218 Comments

I would add a backhanded compliment in there.

Or treat the hostility as a sign of personal problems and ask if they want to talk about whatever is bothering them.

Expand full comment

I've been equally cursed and blessed with being oversized in stature, so I get very little of this nowadays. I also helps that I have the resting face of a forcibly-retired boxer, complete with broken nose lumps, cauliflower ears and scarring.

I'm actually delightful, but the kayfabe is helpful.

Expand full comment

Ta, Sara. I've never heard of Biff Tannen; I assume he's from some TV show I didn't watch. The BIFF method is self-helpy AF, and I like it.

Expand full comment

He's the villain from the "Back to the Future" series of movies. Which is why you see him playing (and interacting with!) himself at multiple ages, because time travel.

Expand full comment

Minor irony, Biff Tannen is really one of the more intelligent and adaptable characters in his franchise.

Expand full comment

An article about communication and Biff Tannen is the perfect nucleating center to mention researcher, author, and professor of linguistics Deborah Tannen.

Expand full comment

I can't even Biff. Or

I can't even, Biff.

Expand full comment

It looks like BIFF is the successor to Suzette Haden Elgin’s Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.

Expand full comment

It looks like BIFF is the successor to Suzette Haden Elgin’s Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.

Expand full comment

Could you please make up a response from Patti Lou so I can get some closure on this? Results of the cabbage labyrinth also appreciated.

Expand full comment

I too would like closure

Especially if the neighbor is a true cluster b and not just relationally aggressive at the "alumna sorority girl" level

Expand full comment

I gotta say that I'm pretty curious about this cabbage labyrinth.

I hope it's not like some salads I've been served.

Expand full comment

When people get unreasonably aggressive with me (communicatively), I get cold and litigious. I'm not a lawyer, but I know how to sound like one.

It gets results. People get scared when they think you might be able to do something to them.

Expand full comment

Same!

Expand full comment

I had only one Neighbor from Hell. That was enough. No amount of BIFFing would have worked on this guy. I only regret I didn't punch him out when I had the chance.

Expand full comment

I must have bought your old house. I live next door to someone who is both extremely stupid, and also low class and mean. You can tell he was a high school wrestler in some small town, where he was a big deal, and when he entered the real world, and nobody gives a crap about his dumb ass, it was a shock. He hasn't aged well.

He's such a big man that he comes over on to my property, and threatens me, a 63 year old woman, to show how tough he is. The last time he came over, I greeted him at the front door with a baseball bat, since I'm sick of him spitting in my face - he works himself into such a lather that he has rage spittle. He then called the cops to have me arrested for A) parking in my own driveway, and B) telling him he was trespassing and to get off of my property.

He claimed he was filming me, and I said "good, then you're filming me telling you to get the fuck off of my property, repeatedly, and you failing to comply." He's unaware that South Carolina has not only a stand your ground clause, but also a "homestead" clause, where if someone advances on you on your own property, you can do whatever you feel necessary to protect yourself.

Since then, he hasn't returned to my property, but he did call the police and tell them I was beating my mother up, in an attempt to have me killed by the police. The police were uninterested in who had called in a false alarm. They assured me that they'd take care of him the next time he bothered me. I said "you've never done anything to him when he comes over and threatens me."

Expand full comment

I blame that goddamn movie.

When the Cubs won the series, I knew we were done -- and sure enough, Biff got elected.

Expand full comment

OH DEAR GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! IT ALL FITS NOW!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry I ever was a Cubs fan. So, so sorry. Not only did the Cubs win lead to Biff's election, but it was a prelude to one of the most horrible years of my life -- my brother died suddenly and I lost my job.

Attention God: If I'd known this would be the price, I never would have prayed for a Cubs victory. Let's never do this again, OK?

Expand full comment

I am unfailingly polite to the trolls and fucksticks I encounter on the internetz.

Ha ha, I kid. I find that a well-timed f-bomb clears the air like a good thunderstorm.

Expand full comment

I've done this with people, completely pretending I had no idea they were being offensive, and it drives some of them nuts.

Expand full comment

I used to reply to trolls with:

You're funny! I like you! and then as they dialed UP their fury I would respond as if I thought they were being intentionally funny....Its a time waster, but kinda fun...you NEVER let them have the last word, unless you get bored and just don't care

Expand full comment

I am a grey rock, I am an island?

Expand full comment