How To Moisturize Better Than Scott Pruitt, Without Assistance From Your Security Detail

I wouldn't go taking any lotion advice from this dude.

It is getting difficult these days to keep track all of the bizarre drama surrounding EPA chief Scott Pruitt. Just this week we heard about his grifty habit of constantly bringing his own guests to the fancy White House eatery in order to get free food, which he's really not supposed to be doing, and also how he tried to use the power of his office to get his wife a Chik-fil-A franchise. 

And now? Now we have LOTIONGATE.  

While EPA security agents are required to protect Pruitt at all times — while he is working and during his off hours — the two individuals said the administrator had asked members of the detail to perform tasks that go beyond their primary function. In one instance, they said, he directed agents to drive him to multiple locations in search of a particular lotion on offer at Ritz-Carlton hotels.

Now, I am not one who is going to shame anyone for taking proper care of their skin. I also think it is weird and gross that skincare is coded as being an unmanly thing to care about. Everyone should care about their skin! However, I will absolutely shame a government official for spending three times what any of his predecessors spent on personal security, and also requiring said security agents to shuttle him all around town on a quest for moisturizer.

I will especially shame that government official when the damn lotion he wanted is literally for sale on the Ritz-Carlton's website, making such a quest entirely unnecessary to begin with:

It is, of course, entirely within the realm of possibility that this is Scott Pruitt's first time ever buying lotion, and he simply had no idea that it could even be purchased outside of a Ritz-Carlton. He is, after all, a very fancy man who also requires that taxpayers cough up over $163,000 for him to fly first class (for "security reasons") during his first year as EPA chief.

Also, dude is only 50 years old. He is the same age as Will Smith and Lucy Liu and Owen Wilson. So either hate has a rapid aging effect on you ( plausible theory -- see also 43-year-olds Alex Jones and Katie Hopkins ) or he is the last person on earth you want to go taking skincare advice from.

HOWEVER, you know who you should take skincare advice from? Me! Which is why I thought perhaps this would be an opportune time to veer off the beaten Wonkette path in order to share my skincare routine with all of you. Consider yourselves #blessed, because I am #notafraidtobeservicey.

Also? This is SELF-CARE, and you NEED THAT DURING THESE DARK DAYS.

STEP ONE: Double cleanse your face!

Double cleansing means washing your face with some kind of oil -- olive oil, coconut oil, etc. -- followed by a gentle cleanser. I have actually been washing my face with olive oil since well before it was hip to do so, because I am just that Italian. Don't be scared! It really is good for your skin!

For a cleanser, I use HadaLabo Gokujyun Super Hyaluronic Acid Cleansing Foam. It's considered a holy grail product for a reason -- it is a super gentle foamed cleanser that will not dry you out, has a pH of 5.5, does not have sodium lauryl sulfate in it, does have three kinds of hyaluronic acid in it, and only costs about ten bucks.

STEP TWO: Exfoliating!

You should really only be exfoliating like two or three times a week, at most. I prefer chemical/enzyme exfoliators to scrubs when it comes to my face (they are actually MORE gentle), and my ride or die is Secret Key Lemon Sparkling Peeling Gel. It's like Baby Foot for your face, basically.

Another option? Smush up some fresh pineapple and just rub it all over your face, leave it on for a few minutes and then wash off.

STEP THREE: Toner!

STEP AWAY FROM THE BONNE BELL AND THE WITCH HAZEL. Most western toners are garbage. What you need in your life is an Asian-style toner that will restore your skin's pH after washing and prepare it for the rest of your skin care routine.

My preferred toner is ANOTHER Hada Labo product, the Hada Labo Rohto Gokujyn Hyaluronic Acid Lotion. It is LOVELY, super moisturizing and makes my skin all nice and plump and pretty. It's great if you, like me, have dry skin. However, if you are more oily/zit-prone than I am, Benton's BHA Aloe Toner may be a better choice for you.

STEP FOUR: Essence!

There are all kinds of glorious essences out there, but I use the Cosrx Advanced Snail Mucin Power Essence. Yes, snail mucin . It is a magic substance that plumps up your face, murders wrinkles, fades scars and dark spots and is generally miraculous. You are welcome.

STEP FIVE: Serums, Ampoules, Sheet Masks and Oils!

I have a shit ton of serums and ampoules that I rotate depending on my mood that day. I like the Claire-ity Vitamin C Serum,   Elizavecca Witch Piggy Hyaluronic Acid Serum, and Mizon Snail Repair Intensive Ampoule. 

This is also the place in your skincare routine where, if you wish, you could just do a sheet mask. My personal favorites are the Dr. Jart's Pore Minimalist Charcoal Mask (DO NOT INSTAGRAM CHARCOAL MASKS!), and the Elizavecca 24K Snail Sheet Mask. However, this 24-pack of sheet masks from Dermal is a great deal for 12 bucks, and they're good to have on hand.

For skin oils -- which I use a lot of in the winter, because (again) I tend to get dry skin, I love Tarte's stupidly expensive but glorious Maracuja Oil, and also the Nectar Face Serum for dry skin from my dear friend Akilah Nisa's wonderful Kissed By A Bee Organics line, which you should definitely go check out ASAP. The body butter is also A+!

STEP FIVE: Actual Moisturizer!

Now it is time to tell you about MY FAVORITE SKIN PRODUCT IN ALL OF THE LAND! Are you excited? Yes, you are very excited. It is Mizon's All-In-One Snail Repair Cream. It is basically magic for your face, and everyone I know who has bought it on my recommendation has thanked me profusely for the beautiful new face they now have. (Results not guaranteed for Donald Trump Jr.) If you buy one product from this list, make it this one. It is a goddamned revelation.

Given that that's a rather light moisturizer, I often follow it up with some Embryolisse Lait-Créme Concentré, a really good and super-bland drug store moisturizer from France. This shit is also the jam for anyone with sensitive skin. It's so gentle and hydrating they actually recommend it for use on burn victims.

Because I am not a fool , I also wear sunscreen every day, even in the winter. For this, I use Biore UV Aqua Rich Watery Essence sunscreen from Japan. Why from Japan? Because America is woefully behind the times in this area, as the FDA has not approved a single sunscreen innovation since 1999 and nearly 70% of the sunscreens we have on the market don't even do anything. I like this one because, unlike our crappy American sunscreen, it protects the skin from UVA rays, is not greasy, and does not leave a weird white cast on your face. For body, I'm also a fan of La Roche-Posay, a French brand that is one of the few actually effective sunscreens you can get in America.

You know who probably hates sunscreen? Scott Pruitt, who has said before that maybe some global warming would be nice! 

STEP SIX: Sleeping pack!

Obviously, this is a night-time only thing -- and if you were wondering if it was going to involve even MORE snail mucin, you would be correct. Because I also use the Mizon Snail Wrinkle Care Sleeping Pack. In the winter, anyway. In the summer I use the Laneige Water Sleeping Mask, which is a little less heavy. These things are GREAT and you will wake up in the morning all moisturized and dewy and going "My goodness, who is this beautiful creature I see before me? Certainly not Scott Pruitt, I can tell you that much!"

And that is it! It may seem a tad excessive -- although not "having people drive you all around town to get a specific lotion that doesn't even have any snail mucin in it" excessive -- but everyone needs a hobby and frankly it is actually very nice and relaxing to take care of yourself in this way.

As we said above, WE ALL have to do whatever self-care we can manage these days.

[ Washington Post ]

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