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A little pumpkin pie blurb to get you ready for Thursday: https://open.substack.com/pub/martiniambassador/p/pumpkin-pie

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

It is going to require ALL of my self control not to get all nerdy at the forthcoming holiday meal at our oldest daughter's home NOT to engage that same precise method for EVENLY dividing the pumpkin pie.

Meh; the crowd I'll be dining with will be too damned hammered by desert to fully appreciate it.

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

๐˜๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ can anyone slice pies precisely without a laser?

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Jewish people can slice pies from space

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

"You don't expect me to talk, Goldfinger?"

"No, Mr Bond! I expect you to dine!"

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Bravo!

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By using the pie-slice guide tool that they used to sell at the old Poppin' Fresh Pies stores (later called Bakers Square, now sadly all gone). Also sadly, my pie slice guide tool disappeared at some point. It'll turn up in a box eventually, I assume.

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

First person cuts a slice. Second person can accept the slice, or cut another one, letting the first person have the first slice. Third person can accept the slice the second person cut, or give it to the second person and cut another. Repeat the "Accept or Cut?" process until everyone has a slice.

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I just scoop out the filling and leave the crust. Don't even need a knife that way.

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Next time just open up a can of pie filling and get a spoon.

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Eat out of the can? What are you, a cavemen?

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Have you no transit?

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Ah, Chicago-style or tavern style (i.e. the only way to slice thin crust pizza)

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And you know what? I don't think "pie graphs" should be referred to as such unless they are made of actual pie.

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

".... I cut my pizza into rectangles." Oh, are you from Michigan? When I met my wife (of 42 years) in Michigan we went out for pizza, and not only did they cut a round pizza into squares, they served it on a special bent-wire support over a candle! This shocked my California sensibilities, you can be sure.

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deletedNov 20, 2023ยทedited Nov 20, 2023
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Nov 20, 2023ยทedited Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Where's Landshark? He's got a frikkin' laser on his head!

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.....quadrilaterals.....

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf, Martini Glambassador

A friend always gives away pies to fruends on the Monday before Thanksgiving. You can choose pumpkin of apple. This year is apple for me she gave me pumpkin last year. Her ha m e is Bonnie. She is a good one. Happy pie day!

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Yummmm! That's so nice, I'm glad you have such wonderful people in your life.

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I like to share a slice or two, myself.

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You are very sweet that way.

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My fingers are clumsy today.

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Let they among us who have not made a fruendian slip cast the first stine.

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It helps to find one's glasses, before attempting pie comments.

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I picked up a wonderful maple bourbon pie at Spec's last week. It's wonderful.

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What is this magical pie which you speak of? That sounds incredible!

*Rushes off to look up the recipe.*

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Do you have one for slicing around kitten paw prints?

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Nah, that's what whipped cream is for, covering up the evidence.

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Nov 20, 2023ยทedited Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Every Christmas my MIL makes this Italian potato tart thing that is to die for. She makes it in a flat baking pan and it has to cool before you slice it into squares of garlicky potato deliciousness. One year, she had set them in the garage on the floor to cool and she ran out there to get something and stepped on one of them! It had plastic wrap on it so no harm no foul except for the big, grape stompin footprint.

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LOL! Hilarious.

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Nov 20, 2023ยทedited Nov 20, 2023

That sounds like something I would do (step on food), and you had me at "potato tart"

ETA: is it something like this? Because fuck the turkey, I would eat this as a main course:

https://parade.com/864244/theresagreco/gatto-di-patate-italian-potato-pie/

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YUM! I might be able to change my husband's mind on potatoes. He is Irish. Hates potatoes, because he grew up on them. I love them.

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Similar; and yeah, we all stuff ourselves on it and then take our portions home, wrapped up in foil, like bricks of heroin.

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EONS ago I went to a close friends home with the parents for an extraordinary dinner. There we were served POTATO SAUSAGE. It looked really bland but was delicious. There was only potatos with salt and quite a bet of pepper stuffed into a casing. An old home recipe I suppose!

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Nov 20, 2023ยทedited Nov 20, 2023

Step 1: Get the annoying mathematician out of your house by pretending she needs to go to the store to get whipped cream.

Step 2: Slice using the eyesight you have.

Step 3: Get out the whipped cream and top the slices of pie.

Step 4: Enjoy.

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Back when I was still at home working in the BAKERY I would return from school. grab a snack and a glass of milk while reading the local newspaper. At times there was a note from my DAD telling me to make up a batch of PIE DOUGH or BUTTER CREAM ICING. Fond memories!

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Seriously, if theyโ€™re a bit uneven theyโ€™re going to be off by what, a few grams?

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Yeah slicing a pie ainโ€™t rocket science

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Fortunately. Because if rocket scientist Elon Musk was doing the slicing the pie might explode, or spontaneously disassemble or whatever term he used to explain the failed Space X launch recently.

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Quit with all that measuring shit and just cut me a goddamn slice already JEEEEEEEEZ.

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Seriously if you canโ€™t eyeball it how do you get the fork to your mouth even? Literally no one cares. Just gimme NOW!

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Where is the fun with measuring it perfectly anyway? There would be no fights over who has the biggest piece, and how can it be Thanksgiving without fighting over who has the biggest piece?

Spoiler, my mom once cut up a pie and then shaved off bits of half the pieces so they looked more like the smallest one, just to avoid that fight XD

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Amen. This is why my favorite cookbook is a 1920 edition of "La Bonne Cuisine," a French classic with recipes that just say things like, "Toss in a handful of herbs," or "Add a thumb's worth of sugar," or "Bake at a good temperature until done."

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I bet your mom would've enjoyed Festivus.

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My family solved the slice size problem by making a multitude of pies so everyone was practically sick from all the pie.

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Weird brother of mine cut it into TRAPEZOIDS! Hilarity ensued!

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Seriously, by the time we get around to the pie, I'm so full of turkey and wine and everything else that I want the smallest slice possible.

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We solved this problem by having pie first. We meet at noon for snacks (meat, cheese, veggie, and fruit trays) followed by pie. A few hours later we have our turkey feast, them send everyone home.

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This is the correct solution .

*gold star*

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Here's how it works: YOU get to slice the pie but sibling gets the choice of the first slice.

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

"Oh that's too big, I want a smaller slice"

-- pretty much everyone who really wants the whole pie

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People who claim to want a smaller slice have mastered the art of lying to your face.

Do not trust them.

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Sincerity is thrown into question if objection to the portion comes after the cut.

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deletedNov 20, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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David Letterman checks in with his mom to see what pies she made this year:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87CqB0FRIkI

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I'd forgotten the part where she showed what was in the fridge. Too funny.

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my oldest grandson once made himself a dark chocolate pie for his birthday and i would choose that over any other.

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deletedNov 20, 2023ยทedited Nov 20, 2023
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Coltrane's obsession with sweet potato pie is legendary.

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How to save money on groceries?

Don't pay $90 for a turkey.

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Quote/

[Judge David] Friedman questioned if the blowback for Greenfield was entirely Trumpโ€™s fault, asking, โ€œIf you put something out in public and then it goes viral, whoโ€™s responsible?โ€

/Quote

Gee, I wonder if he's also one of those who would say, "Well, if she didn't want to get raped, she shouldn't have been wearing that outfit/been out so late/had a drink with that guy."

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Well, here's a thought, YOU CAN'T RETIRE. I love you all but who would delegate to SER, Evan and the gang?

Enjoy your vacation, Rebecca, and we'll get by somehow.

I will try to list all my thankfuls on The Morning. No turkey, we like little Cornish Hens.

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I got the winter tires onto the car over the weekend, ensuring another four snow-free weeks out here, you're welcome Iowa. Also actually saw a Nikki Haley yard sign?? In the wild, with my eyes, not even a photoshop?? Truly, wild times.

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A nice reminder from Connie Schultz that you don't have to be ever-accomodating during the holidays

https://open.substack.com/pub/connieschultz/p/sometimes-gratitude-doesnt-come-easy?r=mwtl3&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf

The kid just arrived! I did not expect him until this afternoon. I guess he's not a teenager anymore. No sleeping in, even after a big football game in Detroit and a night with his pals.

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So turns out I didn't have a recurrence of HPV, the old scar just got roughed up and slightly infected. That's a huge relief.

Now I just have to do a follow-up test for other gross things I picked up while being a gross pervert as self-medication for depression...

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founding

Good morning.

As you can see, the farce is starting to show its ugly face. The courts are slowly moving to protect Donald from legal harm. A delay here, a successful appeal there, a โ€œYes, he committed sedition but I canโ€™t kick him off the ballot... you know how he is,โ€ and a little more every day. Itโ€™s a farce. Itโ€™s theater. Itโ€™s bullshit.

Vote against every Republican on your ballot in every election starting with the next one. Thatโ€™s all we have.

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I'm voting against every Republican on my ballot in every election starting with the one in 2012.

That's when the WA State AG who was camouflaged as a 'moderate' Republican showed his true colors by putting his thumb on the initiative to ban gay marriages.

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I knew it was inevitable. I keep hoping for something to happen.

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Republican = Nazi, full stop. Literal actual. See vermin comment. Game over.

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Yup, I started that in 2016. Until that election, I still naively clung to the idea that some "balance" in government was a good thing. There is no such thing as a "good Republican" on any ballot anymore. If you have not abandoned the party of fascists and TFG, then you are supporting fascism and TFG.

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All of the morning chores are done, except putting the medicine drop in Serendipityโ€™s eye. I didnโ€™t finish getting the snow off the porches and decks and steps, but I got a good start on it. Wood is in, plants are watered, etc. My back doesnโ€™t seem too much the worse for wear. Reset my alarm clock for a solid snooze and I am going to turn off the light and go back to sleep for a little bit. Try to not get too raucous, please.

ETA: eye drop is now done also.

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what is this "snow" you speak of? I thought climate change did away with that in the 20th...

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We're six weeks and change into it, and somehow didn't get the memo. I've got enough of it in front of my house to do the annual chore of banking the south wall up to the windowsills. For insulation. From the cold. Irony is not dead.

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as a pee wee, I spent winter mornings earning $0.25 or $0.50 shoveling snow from the neighbors' driveways before catching the school bus. The rub was, as rent on the shovel, we had to do dads first, for free.

Glad I did the Snowbird thing 45 years ago and fled South!

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Hey, and if you had saved up that money and bought your own snow shovel, he probably wouldโ€™ve charged you rent on your boots. Dads can be terribly clever.

I had never intended to be here this long. I had a vague, general escape plan in mind. And then it turned into sticking around until I got vested out of a labor union, and then I till I got my bachelors, and then, my masters, and then, till the kids were a little bit older. And I think there were a few other โ€˜and thenโ€™sโ€™ in there as well. Tempus fugit.

And then these guys moved in: https://substack.com/profile/1687878-1d57a1d5931d/note/c-44004536?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=106di

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Yes, I read the George Santos Botox story and why am I not more shocked that he went to the sketchiest of quacks to get it done? I guess grifters only trust other grifters.

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Its my birthday today. One of my favorite breweries promised me a free beer today. And I have nice dinner plans with a friend. Spent family time on Saturday. The Dawgs beat Tennessee and Auburn lost - a nice birthday present.

However, the rest of the family is having a ton of drama and dragging me into it. SIGH. Look, dear sister, if you're going to write a 1000 word apology letter to your daughter, maybe start out with "I am aware I am the one who messed up" and not "This letter is to help you heal." You can't make other people heal from the trauma you put upon them just by writing a nice letter. My niece told her mom she wanted space.

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Happy birthday! My b-day wish for you is that you can somehow resist being dragged into family drama, unlike myself who allowed it to ruin my Sunday. Enjoy that free beer and all the good things this day may offer!

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Molotov. Enjoy your free beer!

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Happy birthday. May your next trip around the sun bless you with love, health, peace, grace, abundance, prosperity, integrity, longevity, laughter, tears, friendship, courage, compassion, creativity, community, and joy. ๐ŸŒบ

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Happy birthday to you.

Did you ever see the Squidbillies episode where he sings "I like big trucks, Auburn sucks"?

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Yes indeed. I quote it multiple times a season. We also routinely quote the "beat Florida" rant. Early Cuyler was the original Gator Hater! Fun fact: A lot of Georgia graduates end up working in Atlanta at Cartoon Network.

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That was such a good show.

"Ain't gonna be no cheesy bread!"

and the public service announcement about pigs on meth.

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Congratulations on your most recent trip around the sun, and may you have many more, each more delightful than the last.

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Editor: Write an article about what to get for your 9 year anniversary.

Writer: 9? Why 9? I mean just wait a year and you can celebrate the big one. A whole decade!

Editor: *coughs* Yeah, well not everybody makes it to 10 years.

Writer: What do you mean?

Editor: I'm just saying, some people won't make it past 9.

Writer: Some people? Are... are you some people?

Editor: Look just write the damn article, ok.

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I've ranted before, we can't understand how weird 1920s politics were. It was also the peak of white people who thought they could create and perform jazz.

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The History of American Music: The desperate search by black people for a beat to which white people could dance without scaring the livestock.

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Nov 20, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf

I'm sure that's what led to the Great Depression.

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