How To Trump-Proof The Next Debate, For America's And His Own Safety

YOU'RE WELCOME, DEBATE COMMISSION.

Sep 30, 2020

After Tuesday night's, ahem, SHITSHOW, everybody said "Hey maybe they shouldn't have debates anymore, not when Donald Trump, the Un-American Authoritarian Wannabe, is a candidate." Barring that, they said the Commission on Presidential Debates was gonna need to respond today, to figure out how to make the second and third debates work, what with said un-American president bullying and just in general being INTERRUPTING COW FASCIST LIKE BENITO MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- SOLINI!

The Commission has indeed responded and said it's going to try harder, but isn't being real specific about what that might look like:

"Last night's debate made clear that additional structure should be added to the format of the remaining debates to ensure a more orderly discussion of the issues," the CPD said in a statement. "The CPD will be carefully considering the changes that it will adopt and will announce those measures shortly."

OK, so they're in the "Call a hasty meeting on Zoom and set up a shared brainstorming document" phase of this.

Wonkette would like to help,~~free of charge~~for ten thousand dollars, please.

Here are some ideas for some rule changes that might make the next debate go smoothly.

Eliminate Donald Trump from the debate.

Y'all, let's just cut to the chase. Trump agreed to last night's rules, and he broke them for 90 straight minutes, because he pisses on your debate rules like he pisses on the Constitution. It doesn't matter what you come up with, he won't follow it. So if you just want to make a rule that will make things run more smoothly next time, ban Trump from the proceedings.

It won't be that hard. Just drop him off at a golf course or put him in front of the TV and turn on Fox News. Won't see him for hours.

We're not saying the GOP ticket shouldn't be represented or get equal time. Just play some old Hitler speeches or hire a racist clown. His cult supporters won't even notice.

Barring that, just put a 300-pound pile of wet roadkill and candy corn (for orange and for Halloween!) behind his podium. No one will be able to tell the difference. They will say, "Look, it is Donald Trump, and he is being very well-behaved!" Donald Trump Jr. will yell "DADDY!" and tell the pile of dead animal and candy corn that it looks very handsome tonight. "We're twins!" Junior will say, to "Daddy," who won't respond because again, dead animal and candy corn, but Junior doesn't expect his real Daddy to acknowledge him either.

It'll be fine.

Give the moderator the power to cut the mic when it's Joe Biden's turn.

This is an obvious solution, but it needs to be done. And it appears, according to late breaking news, that this is one of the changes they will make. Good.

Plus, it will be HI-LARIOUS to watch Trump yelling and pounding and nobody can hear him.

Give the moderator a Big Mac launcher.

If President Shitmouth is yapping his open maw, throw something in there he likes! It will be like a fun, presidential game!

Give the moderator a taser.

Can be used in conjunction with Big Mac launcher, to combine positive and negative reinforcement.

And a laser pointer.

Is Trump being a total bully and yelling, or is he just fidgeting and can't stay still? A nice laser pointer might help.

Give the moderator whatever Bill Barr used on protesters in Lafayette Square.

We've been assured it was all very legal and very cool.

In which case, goose, gander, etc.

Give him a balloon.

I mean, worth a try.

Give him a copy of Playboy .

Maybe he can find his fourth wife!

Tell him he is going on a treasure hunt, for Hillary's deleted emails!

And if he solves all the clues, maybe he will find them at the end!

Or maybe the treasure hunt will just lead to a ramp ( scary! ) which leads to some stairs ( scarier! ) at the bottom of which will be a shark ( scariest! ).