How To Watch The Governors' Races

Just kidding. Put down the bag and have a glass of wine.

Not enough existential dread over those House and Senate seats? Let's talk gubernatorial races! Because 2020 is a census year, and if we want to put a stop to ratfucked electoral maps that ensure the GOP wins a majority of seats with a minority of votes, we have to take back those statehouses! Luckily, it looks like we have a real shot at some pickups here. Let's break it down chronologically.

7 PM: Georgia

• Georgia: Will beautiful princess Stacey Abrams slay the evil demon vote suppresserBrian Kemp? Unfortunately, we might not know tonight. Or, for another month. If no one gets over 50 percent of the vote, they boot out Libertarian Ted Metz and vote again December 4, which is why he's trying so hard to depress her share of the turnout. [Insert bloodcurdling screams HERE.]

7: 30 PM: Ohio

• Ohio: Buckeyes, you're in the doghouse with us.And you know what you did. Please do not put that anti-choice poorfucker Mike DeWine in the statehouse. Vote for Rich Cordray, who spent five years at the CFPB sticking up for consumers against rapacious banks. Don't break our hearts, Ohio!

8 PM: Florida, Connecticut, Illinois, New Hampshire, Maine

• Florida: Goddammit, you cannot make us think about that walking headcoldRon DeSantis today. Listen Florida, Andrew Gillum is THE SHIT, and Yr FDF would be thrilled to have such a wonderful candidate. Don't screw this up!

• Connecticut: This is New England in a blue year.And yet, Democrat Ned Lamont is only a slight favorite over Republican Bob Stefanowski to replace Democrat Daniel Malloy. Vote, ye Nutmegs!

• Illinois: Bye, Bruce! 

• New Hampshire: Gonna be a squeaker! Incumbent Republican Chris Sununu is stillfavored over Democratic challenger Molly Kelly, but recent polling shows the race a statistical tie. Could be a pickup if The Blue Team has a really good night.

• Maine: With Paul LePage noping out toFlorida to go sunbathe with Shifty, Smoothie and D-Money, this seat looks like a likely Democratic pickup. Maine's AG Janet Mills is polling several points ahead of GOP businessman Shawn Moody. Well done, Mainers! Now do Susan Collins.

9 PM: Kansas, Michigan, New Mexico, South Dakota, Wisconsin

• Kansas: Kansans, you really, really don't have to vote forKris Kobach. Vote for Laura Kelly! None of your neighbors have to know.

• Michigan: Likely Democratic pickup, with kickass Gretchen Whitmer pollingwell ahead of creepy toad Bill Schuette. Or Schuster, whatever. 

• New Mexico: Oh, lookie loo! Another likely pickup for the good guys, with Michelle Lujan Grisham likely to clean Rep. Steve Pearce's clock. Lady Power!

• South Dakota: How gross is Rep. Kristi Noem to betied with Democrat Billie Sutton in South freakin' Dakota? Pretty gross ! Weird how people don't embrace the sacred freedom of dying from lack of healthcare.

• Wisconsin: Can it be? Are we really going to be rid of that beady-eyed littlebadger-fucker? Please Crom let Scott Walker go down to Tony Evers. And grant us all the joy of boring, uncharismatic politicians forever and ever. Amen.

10 PM: Iowa, Nevada

• Iowa: Incumbent Kim Reynolds is looking beatable, especially with her campaign co-chair Steve King goingfull Nazi this week. Democratic businessman Fred Hubbell has been closing the polling gap, and it's anyone's guess what happens tonight. Come on, Hawkeyes, you got this!

• Nevada: What are the odds that two guys named after prescription cold medicine would be running for governor in the same state? Nevada, it looks like you'rehaving trouble deciding. Take Steve Sisolak, he's good for what ails ya! Adam Laxalt will give you hives.

And once those races are called, YOU GO TO BED. We're pretty sure Democrat Kate Brown's going to win in Oregon, and Republican Mike Dunleavey's going to pull it out in Alaska. (Oklahoma, probably goes red too, but WHO CAN SAY.) Rest up, Wonkers! We'll see you out there!

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