I Am The Lord Thy God And Donald Trump's Ballroom Is Very Low On My Priorities List

Our Lord and Savior has bigger fish to fry.

I am the Lord your God. I am Yahweh, Adonai, El Shaddai, the Almighty, whichever name you wish to use. And I promise you, from the bottom of My heart, that I do not give a tinned shit about the White House ballroom.

Seriously, Eric Metaxas. As the kids say, what in the actual fuck is this?

Buddy, I promise you, it did not take Me, the Lord, 200 years to raise up a great man to put that ballroom in place. Do you know why? Because I never cared enough to bother. It was not a matter of no president being worthy before. It was not a matter of none of them being available. Do you think if I had told Millard Fillmore to put up a giant White House ballroom, that he would have refused? Do you think that if I had wanted to, I could not have raised William Henry Harrison off his deathbed long enough for him to build a great ballroom at the White House if that had been My will?

Shoot, I could have had Nancy Reagan nag Ronnie into building a ballroom, she would have loved that instead of doing anti-drug cameos on Diff’rent Strokes. Maybe she should have put her faith in Me instead of Joan Quigley.

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But no, apparently in your shriveled brain — and if I wanted, do you not think I could have given you a better one? — I looked at all the men who served as president before Donald Trump, accomplished men, Jefferson, Lincoln, both Roosevelts, shoot, even the mediocre dipwad that was Franklin Pierce, and I said Donald Trump! Finally! An energetic go-getter who can build the gilded palatial ballroom that I have always wanted for the White House!

Please. If I thought the White House needed a ballroom, I’d have done better than raising up Donald Trump to build it. The White House is a classy building. I’m not putting it in the hands of a guy with taste so tacky that King Solomon would have told him to take it down several notches. Solomon could have risen from his grave and warned Trump explicitly about the dangers of idolatry, and that idiot would still be praising the giant gold statue of himself that some of My weirder supporters put up at his golf club.

No one wanted to read the Book of Kings, huh? No one wanted to learn a lesson? No one could at least break it down into bullet points with his name all over them so Trump would pay attention? Everyone figured it would be more fun to rewatch 30 Rock for the millionth time? Maybe I need to send 20 plagues next time I want to get a point across.

While I’m here, Eric, do you mind telling Me where in the Bible I told you it was OK to sucker-punch someone and then run away, backpedaling jauntily like the least skilled benchwarmer on a Division III basketball team? So much for all that “muscular Jesus standing up to the unbelievers” crap your kind is so fond of. My son is a sensitive boy, and even he thinks you’re a cowardly twatwaffle.

Allow Me to tell you some other things I don’t give a tinned shit about besides the ballroom: public displays of your alleged piety. And yet there many of you were, participating in that whole Rededicate 250 crap-fest on Sunday with all those yahoos who, in a better world that I may one day create when I get fed up with this one, would not be allowed within 500 feet of an elementary school. I don’t usually micromanage man’s affairs at such a granular level, but for these people I’ll make an exception.

Y’all skipped Matthew at the same time you were deciding the Book of Kings was optional, huh?

What a mess. There’s Pete Hegseth yammering about George Washington winning the Revolutionary War because he knelt in prayer at Valley Forge, which is one of those apocryphal stories that you would expect a braindead nimrod like Hegseth to take as gospel, no pun intended. There’s Marco Rubio doing this:

Even your “great man” Trump couldn’t be arsed to make it to this great event. No, he was too busy golfing like he does every Sunday. In his place, he sent in a video that he had recorded for a different event three weeks ago, and the lemmings in the crowd ate it right up.

Dude is sitting in a room decorated like King Midas threw up all over it and has the gall to read a Bible verse where I told people to be humble.

And don’t even get me started on Mike Johnson, who seems to think Christian Nationalism is some brand-new term the left recently made up just to insult him. Then there was Franklin Graham whining about transgender people and gay people and whatever other allegedly un-Christian behavior that’s had his tits in a wringer for 40 years or so.

A hint from Me, though I’m pretty sure the people do not need Me, the Lord your God, to tell you this: sometimes when a guy is that obsessed with other people’s naughty bits, you should check his browser history. And again, keep him 500 feet away from elementary schools. In fact, when I create that world, Franklin Graham is the top of that list.

Listen, Eric, I know you and your kind would love it if America had been created as a Christian nation, particularly if we’re talking about your version of Christ and not the namby-pamby guy who healed the lepers and preached tolerance and maybe (wink wink) even got laid once in awhile.

But Medammit, you’re all out of control. Look at what government Twitter accounts are putting out, for crying out loud:

Okay, I am the Lord thy God, and even I find this level of religious intrusion on government to be creepy. Especially with Homeland Security. Like, where in My works did you people get the idea that shackling people and sticking them on flights to Liberia was a requirement for you to receive My glory? Shut down all the detention camps, and then we can talk about grace and eternal rewards.

It’s my fault. I should have been a little clearer in my communication with people. I could have flat-out said every time you Americans claimed the protection of the Kingdom of Heaven that I would like to be excluded from this narrative.

So let me say this to you once again: I the Lord did not raise Donald Trump up to build a ballroom at the White House, because I the Lord do not care. If I wanted to look at that much tacky gilded crap, I’d hang out with Middle Eastern sheikhs. In fact, maybe I should start doing that more. Maybe I should start going exclusively by the name Maybe, then you’ll all shut up.

THY THREAD OPENETH.

[WaPo]

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