I have chosen for personal reasons never to have children. I am extremely happy with this choice as is my spouse. However, I have always taken an interest in the children of my colleagues as many of them have turned out to be interesting people. (The ones that didn’t I don’t ask about). Because of what I do my colleagues are largely interested in their own progress and accomplishments so the parental bragging is truly at a minimum. Of my close friends I have several who also never had children so we may form a commune later when our spousal units pass….who knows?
"It’s fun to treat a walk to the coffee shop as an adventure" is great advice! Any time I'm forced to go somewhere and do something that seems counterproductive or difficult, I remind myself that I love going on adventures. Week at a beach house with the inlaws? Adventure! Crappy manual labor job that's trying to kill me? Adventure! Jury duty? Adventure! Grocery shopping with the missus? Adventure!
If Not In The Mood and Sorry Not Sorry haven’t figured out yet that seventy percent of living in civilized society is smiling and nodding politely when people are talking to you about something you don’t care about (while subtly and politely trying to extricate yourself) I don’t know what to tell them. That’s what I do when people around me start talking about the sporting matches.
Live your life and let others live theirs. There you go, that’s all the advice I’ve got.
Being of an age...I have friends that are obsessed with their grandchildren and it's even less interesting than talking about their kids. I have one friend in particular that I almost don't want to spend time with because the grandkids are all she can talk about. She used to be so interesting and interested.
I recently found out the Kids have a new word for people like my darling husband-to-be Meccalopolis and me. We're DINKs. That means dual income, no kids. I've had visitors who have asked me, "Why do you live up four flights of stairs?" I have always answered that it keeps me in shape for hiking in the mountains. When they asked when the last time I took a hike was, sometimes the answer was years.
Now I'm living weekdays in the city and weekends and holidays in the mountains with my marvelous mountain man. We love our lives, and get plenty of exercise at both locales.
We are DINKs (elders) here too. I miss my hiking and camping days and am happy I only sporadically have to worry about the lives of my nieces and nephews and now grand nieces and nephews. If they didn't live so close to me it would be easier since I would know nothing of their problems and could assume they were taking care of themselves adequately but I would miss out on many silly stories to recall at family gatherings.
Back when I worked at NOAA (in 1984) one of my coworkers called their relationship DINKs so the term has been around for a while but I think it fell out of common usage for some time. Personally, I am single income no children (to speak of) - well, I was but have since retired and may have no grandchildren to speak of
I went 53 years childless and enjoyed it. Now I'm 22 years with kids and I'm enjoying that, too. Both states of being are perfectly fine, never apologize for which one you end up with.
Judge for yourself. I am comfortable going with the racist angle. "In her book Confidence Man, New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman details a number of examples in which the former president made disparaging remarks about non-white people down the years, including thinking a diverse group of Democratic congressional staffers were waiters at a White House reception in 2017."
"While examining whether the former president is racist, the book, a copy of which was obtained by Rolling Stone magazine ahead of its October release, describes the relationship between Trump and model [Kara] Young, whom the former president dated for two years in the late 1990s.
In one section, the book describes how Trump made a joke suggesting Young—who has a Black mother and a white father—inherited her looks from her mother and her intelligence "from her dad, the white side."
wait, which black women? also too he can't be racist because occasionally there's a person of color in the crowd behind him at the Nazi reunions. I assume the person was not paid to be there, so that counts, probably more than whatever black women he "dated".
My idea of an adventure also sometimes includes going outside. If I drive to the mountains to take a walk I call that hiking, it's mind over matter, if you don't mind it don't matter! Trying to live up to the expectations of others isn't living your life to the fullest, following your own desires (with a do no harm caveat) is the best way to forge a path to contentment, in my experience. Vote 💙
The only reason to have friends is so that you have a plus one/two so you don't look like a lonely sad sack in public. Also, to have someone available to roll their eyes at your dumb ass jokes and stories.
The thing is, they will be much less inclined to let your drone on if you do not return the favor. You don't have to be interested in what they say. Unless they are talking about you, that is nearly impossible anyway.
What you have to do is fulfill the fundamental concept of the social contract: If you want to have friends, you have to do friend things. Unfortunately that means hearing about their, ugh, children. Probably their jobs and what they did the other day.
However, if their children are taking up so much social bandwidth that you are not able to bless them with enough of your wisdom, insight and humor, tell them off. Not for having children, but for being bad friends.
Look, I spend a third of my life doing a rather dull job most days, a third sleeping, and I don't have enough money to travel and make stories, and I'm an introvert with social anxiety. So if we're together and you want small talk, you're going to get wienerdog, parenting, and pop culture stories unless you want to deep dive into religion or politics which I know a lot about because the topics fascinate me.
I try to be a decent listener because I don't like to talk, but at some point, people expect words from me and those are the Jeopardy topics on the board to choose from. :)
I don't mean to denigrate the lovely Sara's responses, but here are my own, for what they're worth.
1. Miss Manners is the source for the BEST advice I ever got. If you don't want or can't do something, do NOT give any excuse. They are an invitation to negotiate ( you could do that after, you said that last time, I'll lend you the money, ad nauseum). Repeat after me, "I'd love to, but I just can't". That's all you need to say.
2. This is not advice, rather a mini-rant. At what point did it become okay to brag about your kids? It's rampant now, but when I was growing up it was considered horribly impolite, just like bragging about yourself. In fact the ideal was to be humble, and if anyone was going to say you did something well or admirable, let it be someone who can be more objective. I've heard parents brag about their kids' SAT scores, scholarships, salaries...what's the point? Do these parents think they are really impressing anyone? I just don't get it!
I always told my son, when someone tries to get you to do something you don't want to, just say, I don't care to, thanks. That's all that's needed. (plus points for using "that's" twice in the same sentence).
Well, I brag about my own kids because they are truly exceptional. Other parents simply don't hold a candle to us in terms of child-rearing chops. I'm a scientist, and this is a science fact.
(They're wonderful and we've been incredibly lucky in a million different ways.)
Most parents are going to mention major achievements by their kids but you don't need to be boasting every time they get a B on their report cards or hit a double in little league. And I think a close friend would like to hear your daughter was accepted in medical school at Yale. Which gives you another topic to discuss, how much it's going to cost. But like most things in life, moderation is the key. If you run into an acquaintance you haven't seen in months, you kinda let the conversation flow from "how ya doin" and work from there, maybe giving a kids update of a minute per child if they have shown an interest in the past. Because you have to talk about something, and "how bout them Mets" doesn't catch you up on anything.
But for most old neighbors who have moved and friends you seldom see, about all there is is work, kids, spouse, or any shared hobbies. Until you get old, then it's which doctors you see, where it hurts the most, and who you know in common that died recently. It's unlikely you will keep the closeness of friends in your teens and twenties who are single anyway when you have a family because your time is spent with work and family and you have less in common. Unless you do have some serious hobbies like rock climbing, hunting, or drag racing.
Marshall Quince Goobling
"It's spelled Raymond Luxury Yacht but it's pronounced Throat Warbler Mangrove."
I have chosen for personal reasons never to have children. I am extremely happy with this choice as is my spouse. However, I have always taken an interest in the children of my colleagues as many of them have turned out to be interesting people. (The ones that didn’t I don’t ask about). Because of what I do my colleagues are largely interested in their own progress and accomplishments so the parental bragging is truly at a minimum. Of my close friends I have several who also never had children so we may form a commune later when our spousal units pass….who knows?
"It’s fun to treat a walk to the coffee shop as an adventure" is great advice! Any time I'm forced to go somewhere and do something that seems counterproductive or difficult, I remind myself that I love going on adventures. Week at a beach house with the inlaws? Adventure! Crappy manual labor job that's trying to kill me? Adventure! Jury duty? Adventure! Grocery shopping with the missus? Adventure!
Iv'e spent many an afternoon walking to the train station and riding just anywhere. At least before I moved to outer Siberia...
That sounds like grand adventure! Like an old-fashioned hobo, going wherever the rails may go, but then going home.
yes!
If Not In The Mood and Sorry Not Sorry haven’t figured out yet that seventy percent of living in civilized society is smiling and nodding politely when people are talking to you about something you don’t care about (while subtly and politely trying to extricate yourself) I don’t know what to tell them. That’s what I do when people around me start talking about the sporting matches.
Live your life and let others live theirs. There you go, that’s all the advice I’ve got.
The other 30% is just showing up on time...
Being of an age...I have friends that are obsessed with their grandchildren and it's even less interesting than talking about their kids. I have one friend in particular that I almost don't want to spend time with because the grandkids are all she can talk about. She used to be so interesting and interested.
I recently found out the Kids have a new word for people like my darling husband-to-be Meccalopolis and me. We're DINKs. That means dual income, no kids. I've had visitors who have asked me, "Why do you live up four flights of stairs?" I have always answered that it keeps me in shape for hiking in the mountains. When they asked when the last time I took a hike was, sometimes the answer was years.
Now I'm living weekdays in the city and weekends and holidays in the mountains with my marvelous mountain man. We love our lives, and get plenty of exercise at both locales.
You give good advice, Sara. Ta.
We are DINKs (elders) here too. I miss my hiking and camping days and am happy I only sporadically have to worry about the lives of my nieces and nephews and now grand nieces and nephews. If they didn't live so close to me it would be easier since I would know nothing of their problems and could assume they were taking care of themselves adequately but I would miss out on many silly stories to recall at family gatherings.
We're the same, no grandchildren but we do have dogs. I try not to talk about them too much, I know people without dogs don't get it or care.
Back when I worked at NOAA (in 1984) one of my coworkers called their relationship DINKs so the term has been around for a while but I think it fell out of common usage for some time. Personally, I am single income no children (to speak of) - well, I was but have since retired and may have no grandchildren to speak of
Thanks, Sara! As someone who reacts to peer pressure in an instant, unmistakable way... let's just leave it at that.
Booze free meetings with neighbors is pretty much my definition of hell.
Mine is booze free weddings.
In either scenario, gone is my primary motivation to even show up in the first place.
I went 53 years childless and enjoyed it. Now I'm 22 years with kids and I'm enjoying that, too. Both states of being are perfectly fine, never apologize for which one you end up with.
Don't worry, NITMTY - I'm doing enough exercise for both of us.
Why am I not surprised that this is a thing Jesse Watters would say given his creepy history with women?
Jesse Watters Says Trump Can’t Be Racist Because He ‘Dated Black Women’
https://www.mediaite.com/tv/jesse-watters-says-trump-cant-be-racist-because-he-dated-black-women/
We literally just went through this with Nikki Haley
https://twitter.com/Fly_Sistah/status/1743151425612357786
Maybe less posting of racist things Jesse Watters says, 'cos they're not newsworthy and they're really triggering?
Judge for yourself. I am comfortable going with the racist angle. "In her book Confidence Man, New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman details a number of examples in which the former president made disparaging remarks about non-white people down the years, including thinking a diverse group of Democratic congressional staffers were waiters at a White House reception in 2017."
"While examining whether the former president is racist, the book, a copy of which was obtained by Rolling Stone magazine ahead of its October release, describes the relationship between Trump and model [Kara] Young, whom the former president dated for two years in the late 1990s.
In one section, the book describes how Trump made a joke suggesting Young—who has a Black mother and a white father—inherited her looks from her mother and her intelligence "from her dad, the white side."
wait, which black women? also too he can't be racist because occasionally there's a person of color in the crowd behind him at the Nazi reunions. I assume the person was not paid to be there, so that counts, probably more than whatever black women he "dated".
“The founding fathers couldn’t have been racists because some of them had sex with their slaves.”
Also Jesse Watters
My idea of an adventure also sometimes includes going outside. If I drive to the mountains to take a walk I call that hiking, it's mind over matter, if you don't mind it don't matter! Trying to live up to the expectations of others isn't living your life to the fullest, following your own desires (with a do no harm caveat) is the best way to forge a path to contentment, in my experience. Vote 💙
The only reason to have friends is so that you have a plus one/two so you don't look like a lonely sad sack in public. Also, to have someone available to roll their eyes at your dumb ass jokes and stories.
The thing is, they will be much less inclined to let your drone on if you do not return the favor. You don't have to be interested in what they say. Unless they are talking about you, that is nearly impossible anyway.
What you have to do is fulfill the fundamental concept of the social contract: If you want to have friends, you have to do friend things. Unfortunately that means hearing about their, ugh, children. Probably their jobs and what they did the other day.
However, if their children are taking up so much social bandwidth that you are not able to bless them with enough of your wisdom, insight and humor, tell them off. Not for having children, but for being bad friends.
Look, I spend a third of my life doing a rather dull job most days, a third sleeping, and I don't have enough money to travel and make stories, and I'm an introvert with social anxiety. So if we're together and you want small talk, you're going to get wienerdog, parenting, and pop culture stories unless you want to deep dive into religion or politics which I know a lot about because the topics fascinate me.
I try to be a decent listener because I don't like to talk, but at some point, people expect words from me and those are the Jeopardy topics on the board to choose from. :)
I try to relate by bringing up my cats when friends start talking about theirs kids.
That's cool. You can drop a cat. Try doing that with a baby!
But they have soft heads so it's cool.
I don't mean to denigrate the lovely Sara's responses, but here are my own, for what they're worth.
1. Miss Manners is the source for the BEST advice I ever got. If you don't want or can't do something, do NOT give any excuse. They are an invitation to negotiate ( you could do that after, you said that last time, I'll lend you the money, ad nauseum). Repeat after me, "I'd love to, but I just can't". That's all you need to say.
2. This is not advice, rather a mini-rant. At what point did it become okay to brag about your kids? It's rampant now, but when I was growing up it was considered horribly impolite, just like bragging about yourself. In fact the ideal was to be humble, and if anyone was going to say you did something well or admirable, let it be someone who can be more objective. I've heard parents brag about their kids' SAT scores, scholarships, salaries...what's the point? Do these parents think they are really impressing anyone? I just don't get it!
I always told my son, when someone tries to get you to do something you don't want to, just say, I don't care to, thanks. That's all that's needed. (plus points for using "that's" twice in the same sentence).
Well, I brag about my own kids because they are truly exceptional. Other parents simply don't hold a candle to us in terms of child-rearing chops. I'm a scientist, and this is a science fact.
(They're wonderful and we've been incredibly lucky in a million different ways.)
Most parents are going to mention major achievements by their kids but you don't need to be boasting every time they get a B on their report cards or hit a double in little league. And I think a close friend would like to hear your daughter was accepted in medical school at Yale. Which gives you another topic to discuss, how much it's going to cost. But like most things in life, moderation is the key. If you run into an acquaintance you haven't seen in months, you kinda let the conversation flow from "how ya doin" and work from there, maybe giving a kids update of a minute per child if they have shown an interest in the past. Because you have to talk about something, and "how bout them Mets" doesn't catch you up on anything.
But for most old neighbors who have moved and friends you seldom see, about all there is is work, kids, spouse, or any shared hobbies. Until you get old, then it's which doctors you see, where it hurts the most, and who you know in common that died recently. It's unlikely you will keep the closeness of friends in your teens and twenties who are single anyway when you have a family because your time is spent with work and family and you have less in common. Unless you do have some serious hobbies like rock climbing, hunting, or drag racing.
I personally prefer not to mention any accomplishment unless the friend/relative asks.