ICE Has Come Up With New Ways To Culture Of Life All Over Pregnant Teens HOORAY

WE ARE MAD, WONKERS!!!! GRRRRRR!!! Maybe someone ought to put our Twitter on timeout for 11 minutes, because we are ready to violate the shit out of some terms of service!

(Just kidding, @jack. Please don't unhook our tweeter right now. Thanks, bruh!)

Last week a federal court ordered ICE to allow J.D., a pregnant teenager in its custody, access to an abortion. After which we promised not to speak of it any more. Because we are not the kind of assholes who exploit the bodies of children to score political points. But the Department of Justice is EXACTLY THAT KIND OF ASSHOLE. So today they filed an appeal to the Supreme Court in this case.

You see, DOJ is very angry that the ACLU actually facilitated the girl having an abortion immediately, rather than giving them more time to drag it out with an appeal to the Supreme Court. With a little help from Samuel Alito, they might have gotten that poor child past the 20-week threshold, after which abortion is illegal in Texas. They'd already forced her into week 16 -- they were so close! Plus, they had Texas's TRAP laws on their side. Not only does the state require a 24-hour waiting period between the initial consultation and the procedure, but they mandate that the consultation and abortion be performed by the same doctor. Because they're all about protecting women! 

At first, it looked like J.D. would have to start the process over again, since the doctor who had performed the initial consultation a week before was not scheduled to be in the office. But anticipating more legal fuckery from ICE, the original doctor agreed to perform the procedure at 4: 15am on the 25th.

In its filing, the DOJ maintains that ICE officials were misled into thinking that the pre-dawn appointment was a second initial consult, and that they would have time to file an appeal later that day. ACLU maintains that they weren't untruthful with ICE; they made a last-minute adjustment to the doctor's schedule. And anyway, the child had already gotten permission from the court, and didn't need ICE to sign off. Because FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES. (Well, that last part was just implied.)

So now the DOJ is asking the Supreme Court to magic away the whole case so there won't be binding precedent that says ICE has to allow pregnant minors in its custody to get an abortion. They pinky swear that they would have gotten their shit together to file an appeal if it weren't for those pesky liberals at the ACLU. And they want the Supreme Court to vacate the case entirely so that next time they have a pregnant girl in custody, they can start all over again with refusing to release her to family, subjecting her to religious counseling, and blocking her access to medical care. Because all life is sacred. 

And while they're at it, the DOJ would like the Supreme Court to write an opinion saying, "The ACLU sucks! They are unethical!" And then maybe ICE can use it to bar ACLU from representing pregnant kids any more. Which is not a thing that the Supreme Court usually weighs in on, but hey, You don't ask, you don't get, right? 

We have no idea whether the Court will agree to hear this case, especially with that asshole Gorsuch parked in the stolen seat. But we do know this:

Jeff Sessions is going to hell. Solicitor General Noel Francisco, the guy who filed this brief, is going to hell. And Scott Lloyd, the ICE official who personally pressures pregnant immigrants to stay pregnant, is going to hell. God sees you using these girls' bodies for your own political ends. AND SHE IS PISSED!

[ Hargan v. Garza , Writ of Certiorari / Buzzfeed ]

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