Bon jour, Les Terribles! It is time once again to whine and kvetch and holler at you, LE DAMMIT, give us money!
Do not give us money if you do not have any money.
Do not give us money if you have only some money and it would at all be a hardship.
We are not Dead Jim Bakker up in here, lying at you about how we need it more than you do and God will send you more money to replace all the money. “Prosperity gospel” is some reaaaaal bullshit, and that dude was evil.
But Wonkette for sure needs money. Our healthcare premia are rising, everything is rising, and stupid meritless lawsuits that we are nonetheless having to settle (NOT for our pristine journalism, but rather for using screenshots from people’s videos, didn’t know that was a thing!) are poking us right in the bottom!
Also, many of you have become exhausted with The News, and we have fewer paid or free subscribers than we did a year ago. Is that your fault? IS IT OURS? No, it’s
the childrenthe universe who are wrong.
We are all exhausted. You and us! Money will help us feel better because we will buy ourselves nice things like “mortgage” and “freelance,” and it will make you feel better because you will feel BENEFICENT and LORDLY (and LADYLY).
Man, feeling beneficent is THE BEST!
I will give you a prize! If we get 100 more subscribers (the paid kind) via Substack or this here Paypal button, which will take any amount of money one-time or recurring, we will give you A WEEK without any pictures of shit-for-brains on new posts!
If we get 200 more subscribers (the paid kind), we will give you TWO WEEKS!
If we get 250-plus more subscribers, we will give you A MONTH!
Whoa nelly! A MONTH!
Without that fat fuck’s face on our beautiful website, at least on new posts! Or that other fuck’s! Or the other one!
I have been sad lately, and I feel better when you love me.
Mostly you show you love me WITH MONEY.
But I would accept a nice note too.
Where else can you get Evan and Dok and Robyn and Brooke making you feel better about all the shitfuck going on?
NOWHERE, THAT’S WHERE.
Sheeeit, ZiggyWiggy even does Actual Nice Times! And Movie Night! Isn’t that fun? We are like Zohran Mamdani and the DSA doing entertainment and community building! But we did it first!
Another way to give us money is on our Patreon, or sending a check in the mail because you are old to WONKETTE, PO Box 38273, Detroit MI 48238!
Some people have been giving us money for an actual decade! They are great and they should get a break from having to support our whining ass all the time. If you have been thinking, ‘Man, the economy is not as bad YET as I thought it was going to be, I have $5 or $8 or $500 a month, I should really give it to Wonkette some time, for being the WORLD’S LAST WEBSITE,’ well, now is some time!
Shut up yes it is. That is how time works.
We love you.
I said shut up.
It is easy to feel bad, please make sure you
1) stay hydrated
2) do a thing that you love each day. This keeps the flame lit and reminds us why we fight
3) remember, change is constant. This is how I remind myself bad times will not last forever.
Ta, Rebecca. I was SO very grateful when I finally found work and was able to become a paid subscriber! We're retired now, and continue to support Wonkette. When you meet your one and only true love at a WonkMeet, then marry, it's just right and proper.