Ill. Senator Mark Kirk Turns Out Not To Be Gay, Actually Has Tons Of Lady Problems

 
 Mark Kirk is the Republican who ran to succeed beloved Greatest Senator Ever Roland Burris, and you probably remember him for two reasons: that he was rumored to be gay , and that his ex-wife stopped supporting his campaign because he got too conservative under the sway of mysterious svengali Dodie McCracken . And then you forgot about him, because you get all your political news from your Wonkette, as is proper. What's he been up to in the meantime? Well, he won his election (not funny) and had a stroke (not funny) but is recovering nicely (inspiring, not funny) and then his ex-wife filed an FEC complaint because he was paying Dodie McCracken in a dodgy roundabout fashion, and also fucking her (DING DING DING DING).

So, yes, in our last hilarious episode of Mark Kirk's Women, Kirk's "amicable" "still good friends" "shared custody of their beloved Shih Tzu" ex-wife Kimberly Vertolli gave a really long interview with Chicago Magazine  about how, more in sorrow than in anger, really, she would have to stop supporting the senate campaign of her ex because the evil Dodie McCracken, who had for years exercised a mysterious power over Kirk, was forcing him to be a sinister conservative instead of the middle-of-the-road blue state Republican he was in his heart. That was in August of 2010! The next month, Vertolli was hired by the Kirk campaign (on the condition that McCracken be de-hired) to do "legal research" and stopped bad-mouthing him, and then the fun was over -- until Vertolli receiv[ed] documents sent to her by an unknown person last July from a location in Highland Park which PROVED that Kirk was paying McCracken in SEC-violating ways (and also sexing her, heterosexual-style).

Actually, we have no idea when Vertolli found out about the McCracken-Kirk love connection? Her August 2010 interview was obviously rife with McCracken-hate, though she didn't come out and say they where doing it, but Vertolli and Kirk were separated by 2008, and he and McCracken were frolicking in the Aegean not long after, so probably Vertolli was in the loop on this? Still, as late as January 2010 Vertolli was posting earnest pro-Kirk comments on blogs, leading Kirk to send her this email:

hey, can I ask you to not post on the blogs? You have unique authority and power with our message, wasting it on the blogosphere is beneath you and me -- there will be moments for you to comment but I would not add your name to a post -- sort of like Jackie O cmmenting [sic] on a blog ...

Which, mixed messages to a heartbroken lady much, Mark? At least Jackie got to stay married to JFK, while he boffed other women! ANYWAY, the actual legal complaint (as opposed to the no doubt long litany of emotional complaints) was that, rather than firing McCracken as he promised, he just paid consulting money to The Patterson Group, an ad agency that subcontracted Kirk's campaign work to McCracken. This is more or less legal, though if you're doing it specifically to obscure the actual identity of the person doing the work for you (to hide her from your ex-wife, the law does not specify) then it's an FEC violation.

Oh, also, probably Vertolli's complaint would have more moral weight if not for the fact that she received her payment from the Kirk campaign via a phony baloney shell corporation, "Athens & Sparta Counsel LLC," that Vertolli created specifically for purposes of receiving her own payment from the Kirk campaign.

ANYWAY, Kirk also pays a salary to his mother and paid for a car for his stepmother out of campaign funds, proving that he's generous to all the women in his life, not just the ones he is currently or was previously fucking! And, Kirk and McCracken have broken up, so now's your chance, ladies. Kirk's rehab seems to be going well , so we wish him good health and hope he'll be back in the saddle soon. ("Back in the saddle" here is meant specifically to be a euphemism for "having sex with women.") [ Chicago Tribune ]