Insert Clever Impeachment Headline Here. Another Impeachment Hearing Liveblog!

It's Monday, fuck it.

GOOD MONDAY MORNING TO YOU! Did you feel like easing into your Monday gently, with a nice gallon of coffee and whatnot? That sucks for you.

Anyway, time for another big impeachment hearing in the House Judiciary Committee, where this time the House Intelligence Committee will be presenting its report. Since there is a bit of overlap between the members of the committee, we hope this means congressmen like Eric Swalwell will be presenting the report to himself in front a mirror, perhaps while wearing a tiara or something, we dunno, these hearings need pizzazz.

For Republicans who are on both committees, like John Ratcliffe, we assume this means this is a day they will literally go fuck themselves as they present their fake Republican report to themselves.

Or something.

We don't really have anything smart to say right now, we were just filling space.

Oh, and the witnesses today will be the lawyers who have been doing the questioning in earlier hearings, so that means Dan Goldman, Barry Berke, and the idiot Republican one.

Here's a video.

LIVE: House Judiciary Committee Impeachment Inquiry Evidence Hearing    www.youtube.com 

And here's a liveblog.

9: 10:Hearing begins! Doug Collins objects. Also a loud protestor objects. Not sure who it was, but they were yelling at Jerry Nadler and seemed very mad about this whole "impeach" thing, so we are just going to guess the protestor was a MAGA Nazi of some sort.

9: 14:Nadler's opening statement is pretty much "Hey, did you watch our hearing the other day? On that day, we learned that not only did Donald Trump do impeachable crimes, but the crimes he committed are pretty much EXACTLY what the framers had in mind when they wrote #INPEACH into the Constitution. You know, just in case you missed it because Republicans were whining about that one witness making a cruel joke about how Donald Trump is not allowed to make his son Barron a literal actual baron."

9: 19:NADLER: To those bitching about this process going too fast , this is literally about the integrity of the next election. Trump "welcomed" foreign interference in 2016, he demanded it for 2020, and oh did you notice that Rudy Giuliani was in Ukraine continuing to commit the crime last week ?

Anyway, time for Doug Collins to say some yappy loud redneck shit that will be entirely unintelligible.

9: 22:Doug Collins says the "I did not have sex with this woman" of the Trump impeachment is "WHAR'S THE CRIIIIIIIIIIIME?"

Jerry Nadler just listed the crimes, and the smart lawyers (not Steve Castor LOL) will spend several hours today explaining the crimes.

9: 27:Collins says Trump is crime-free and blameless because he TOLD GORDON SONDLAND that he did not want a quid pro quo. Remember that we have now learned that the supposed phone call where that allegedly was said probably   did not happen. 

Doug Collins is mad Adam Schiff did not show up for Congress today. (Probably on a date with the whistleblower.)

Doug Collins is worried Adam Schiff will subpoena some more phone records and find DOUG COLLINS'S phone records, like he did with Devin Nunes. 

Wonkette is now wondering what Ukraine crimes Doug Collins might have helped with, that his calls would show up in supboenaed phone records.

Also, Republicans brought a sign that says "WHERE'S ADAM?" because they are very serious people.

9: 32:We KNEWWWWWWWWW that yelly protester idiot looked vaguely familiar. It was an InfoWars idiot!

InfoWars host Owen Shroyer gets ejected from the impeachment hearing https: //t.co/QfcGizKlm7

— Will Sommer (@Will Sommer) 1575900862.0 

9: 36:Hahahahaha, Republicans are SOOOOOO mad, for, like, all the reasons. They want a minority hearing day, they have A OBJECT, Matt Gaetz is bellyaching and caterwauling about Democrats unfairly letting these lawyers just say bad things for Donald Trump without even letting Republicans obstruct Congress's work. Gaetz is also upset that he is being "cut out" of this hearing he is literally sitting in right now.

Anyway, Barry Berke has begun. He is the guy who was so good when he questioned Corey Lewandowski a couple months back. He says the president doesn't have to be a good person, but they really can't be a person who abuses power and acts as if they're above and outside the law.

9: 40:Here are the crimes, as laid out by Barry Berke.

Trump ABUSED POWER when he bribed/extorted the president of Ukraine for political announcements of investigations, in exchange for a White House meeting and for military aid already appropriated by Congress. Trump BETRAYED THE NATIONAL INTEREST by putting his own sad pathetic electoral needs above our national security. And he's literally doing this to CORRUPT THE 2020 ELECTION, because he cannot win without electoral reacharounds and foreign interference.

And of course, in this case, as in all cases with Trump, the other main person to benefit from this is Vladimir Putin.

9: 45:Berke is using witness clips, first from Ambassador Bill Taylor, and now from Dr. Fiona Hill, in her badass answer where she explained how she realized that Gordon Sondland and others weren't doing the same job she was with Ukraine, because they were on a "domestic political errand" for Trump.

9: 50:Very unkind of Barry Berke to dismiss Trump's Russian propaganda conspiracy theories about the 2016 election as mere Russian propaganda conspiracy theories.

Now playing clip of diplomat David Holmes testifying about how Donald Trump doesn't give a single shit about Ukraine besides what kind of political favors they could do for Donald Trump.

9: 53:Berke explains that each and every excuse Trump has made for his own behavior has been stupid and braindead and offensive and contradictory and did we mention stupid?

9: 58:In summary and in conclusion, Trump bitches about hearsay but doesn't cooperate or allow people who were close to his crimes to testify. Trump thought he could get away with it, but womp womp he got caught. He tried to cover up his crimes, but didn't do it very well. And oh yeah, this is about the integrity of our very next election that is less than a year away .

10: 02:Berke doing a very good job showing Trump's pattern of crime, from "Russia if you're listening" all the way up to the present. After he got caught extorting Ukraine, he continued doing it , publicly calling on Ukraine to interfere in the 2020 election on his behalf. Basically no election is safe from Trump, because everything he's ever "accomplished" in life has been the result of cheating. Hell, all his golf "wins" happen because of cheating , apparently.

Meanwhile on the fake news:

Fox News dot com's homepage coverage of the impeachment hearings has been fundamentally absurd. "AWOL ADAM" GOP… https: //t.co/RnYtqTZHmN

— Lis Power (@Lis Power) 1575903117.0 

10: 07:It is time for Republican idiot Steve Castor, but first a moron Republican has a "point of order" because BARRY BERKE SAID MEAN STUFF ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, AND THAT IS NOT "DECORUM." Nadler calmly explains that actually you idiot, witnesses don't have the same decorum rules as members, you literal fucking idiot .

Weird that they want to waste time instead of letting their very awesome lawyer Steve Castor totally exonerate Donald Trump.

10: 13:Steve Castor says NO COLLUSION and READ THEAT STJK;D;JJAIETJIJIVJPIOFUASDRCRUIPT!

Says it is not OK to impeach a president SIXTY-THREE MILLION Americans voted for, like that is some sort of "big number," conventiently omitting the part about how SIXTY-SIX MILLION AMERICANS voted for the other candidate.

10: 14:In "defending" the president, Castor has solid evidence that Nancy Pelosi called Trump an "imposter" (he is) and Rashida Tlaib SAID A CUSS ABOUT "IMPEACH THE MOTHERFUCKER." Those are very good points, just kidding nope.

10: 16:And now Steve Castor says all the Democrats' attempted oversight of Trump is illegal, because they wanted to see Barron's credit card statements OMG THEY DID?

10: 17:Castor says the Mueller Report TOTALLY EXONERATED Donald Trump of collusion and obstruction, which is factcheck lie.

10: 19:And now Castor is whining about the process of House Intel's investigation into Trump's crimes, because they wouldn't even let Republicans out the whistleblower or let Matt Gaetz get skidmarks and pizza crusts all over every hearing, etc.

10: 22:Steve Castor is very mad Democrats ... didn't threaten to hold uncooperative witnesses in contempt? OK.

10: 24:Castor says the Trump White House has cooperated with Congress. Here is a letter from White House counsel Pat Cipollone "cooperating" with Congress by saying Congress is not Trump's real dad and Congress does not exist and LALALALALALALALA PAT CIPOLLONE CAN'T HEAR YOU.

10: 26:And now Castor is citing all the ridiculous BS Jonathan Turley said in the hearing last week, as if Turley didn't step on his dick and eat it the entire time, which led him to be roundly mocked the entire time the hearing was happening , and as if Turley's various theories didn't literally contradict each other.

This is sad.

10: 29:LOLOL OK Steve Castor says Trump wasn't asking for a favor, he was just asking Ukraine to help heal America from the "divisive" and very terrible Trump-Russia investigation. You know, how Ukraine always does for America after we go through a thing. "Time for Ukraine to make America chicken soup and snuggle with us in bed, because we have just gone through a thing!" That is a thing we always say about Ukraine.

Also they are still on their whole thing about how Zelenskiy said he felt "no pressure" from Trump. We have explained how offensive and stupid that is multiple times, but mostly here. 

10: 35:63 MILLION (white) AMERICANS VOTED FOR TRUMP! How can you take away their right to have their votes counted more than the much larger number of better and smarter Americans who didn't vote for him, by doing impeachment?

10: 45:After more Republican obstruction bullshit, we move to 45-minute presentations from the lawyers. Barry Berke has been switched out for Daniel Goldman, who is very adorable we mean good at being a lawyer.

It is going to be a recitation of all the facts as we know them. We are not going to liveblog everything he says, because if you are a Wonkette reader, you know what Trump did, AND HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.

Notable so far are that Goldman points out that the White House meeting for Zelenskyy still hasn't happened; Trump's conspiracy theory about Ukrainian election interference in 2016 is Russian propaganda; Trump's crime is ONGOING, because he still is trying to cheat to win next year's election. And so forth.

10: 51:LOL oops, in presenting the findings of the investigation, Goldman accidentally said Trump withheld "391 dollars" in very important aid for Ukraine. That would be ridiculous truly if Dems were impeaching over something like that! What, did Ukraine want to a buy a Yeti cooler or something and they couldn't, because of how they didn't have 391 dollars?

10: 57:Steve Castor said we need to READ THE ATJ;KSDERAJ;JCGOIJAGJDFRRIPT, so Daniel Goldman is REJAK;JSKDJGTINB THE STRASDCIIIIIPLOLPENISRCRITPT!

11: 01:Goldman yet again shows the transcript of the Putin presser in 2017 where he helped seed the conspiracy theory Trump believes, that it was Ukraine that interfered in the 2016 election.

And this time Goldman quotes Putin from last month , saying "thank God" nobody is accusing Russia of election interference anymore.

Um, yeah, Vladimir, here in America we have an expression for quotes like that one, and it is "oh go fuck yourself, you election-stealing motherfucker."

11: 09:Goldman notes again, as he has many times, that for a person who is supposedly so concerned about "corruption" in Ukraine, it's amazing how Trump never ever brought that up on the phone with Zelenskyy. Also, he notes that in the transcript, when Zelenskyy brings up military assistance, Trump talks about ... the investigations he wants! And not corruption.

11: 17:SO IMPORTANT. And what we really think is the "smoking gun" here, which is that, as Gordon Sondland testified, Trump didn't even give a fuck if Ukraine actually really did investigations into the 2016 election and the Bidens. He wanted Zelenskyy to announce that, preferably on CNN . It was entirely to give Trump his "BUT HER CROOKED EMAILS" talking point for 2020.

11: 26:One thing that's just wild about this recitation -- you are watching it, right? -- is that the case they've managed to put together is so very open-and-shut. Every witness's story corroborates every other, with very minor differences. Trump did it. Trump got caught. Gordon Sondland confessed. Mick Mulvaney confessed. Trump has fucking confessed!

Read the Transcripts!

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1575906472.0 

Trump tweeted "read the transcripts!" again this morning. WE HAVE, MORON.

11: 30:And Goldman's presentation is over, and we think they're going to recess, just so Democrats can be dicks and go talk to reporters before Steve Castor has a chance to do his idiot thing. Matt Gaetz is VERY MAD ABOUT THIS, because obviously Steve Castor would have TOTALLY EXONERATED Trump.

Anyway, yes, they are going to recess, because everybody probably has to pee TBH. Nadler says it's only for 15 minutes.

12: 00:OK it was more like 30 minutes. Steve Castor is up, and he is going to TOTALLY EXONERATE Trump just kidding this is going to be bullshit. Castor says the Democrats' allegations about extortion or bribery "OR WHATEVER" are wrong, and he will prove that right now by smirking a lot.

12: 02:Hahahahaha, Castor says there is "no evidence Trump acted with malicious intent." Donald Trump's entire presidency is "malicious intent," go fuck yourself.

12: 03:Castor says there is nothing bad in the READ THE TREAJSKJDKTJIPT, because they were just doing "pleasantries" and "cordialities" and "laughter." This is true if you don't understand English or how mob bosses say things. Also they did not say "2020 election," therefore they were obviously not talking about that.

12: 06:  Here is another link about why it's such gross bullshit to take Zelenskyy saying he felt "no pressure" at fake value. It has to do with the power disparity between the Ameircan and the Ukrainian president, and the fact that Zelenskyy STILL is trying to stay on Trump's good side, because of how Ukraine still hasn't gotten all the assistance it's supposed to get, Russia is still inflicting a shooting war on the country, and because of Trump, America's commitment to Ukraine is more in question than ever.

12: 09:Now Steve Castor is just going to say "Burisma" and "Biden" a lot and in the process, put America to sleep.

12: 12:Shorter Steve Castor: DONALD TRUMP'S CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN AND UKRAINE ARE NOT AS BATSHIT AS THEY SOUND! NOW HERE IS SOME RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA!

12: 13:One Ukraine person called Trump a "clown"! (Factcheck true.) Another Ukraine person said Trump "threatens the values of the free world." (Also true.)

ALEXANDRA CHALUPA! ALEXANDRA CHALUPA! ALEXANDRA CHALUPA!

Hope this guy is enjoying taking a shit on whatever was left of his professional reputation, because we're pretty sure he's doing permanent damage here.

12: 18:Does Steve Castor really think reading off all the fuckshow insane conspiracy theories Trump believes about Ukraine makes Trump look better ? Dude also thinks you have to flush the toilet 15 times.

12: 21:CASTOR: No, Gordon Sondland made VERY CLEAR that all Trump wanted was an announcement of investigations. He didn't care if they did them!

DEMOCRATS: Yes. Perhaps you could offer some evidence that helps your side and not ours ?

12: 28:CASTOR: Yes, Trump committed all the crimes, but it's OK because he is above the law and also fucking crazy and believes stupid shit about Ukraine.

12: 32:CASTOR: Gordon Sondland had to change his testimony like a hundred times but he finally admitted there was a quid pro quo.

DEMOCRATS: Yes, that's correct.

12: 37:Castor really wants us to believe Ukraine had no idea the aid was held up. They knew. 

Castor really wants us to believe Trump released the aid, not because he got caught, but because Ukraine passed corruption reforms in its Rada. LOL go eat a bag of dicks, Steve Castor.

12: 41:And now Castor wants us to believe that Rudy Giuliani was not working on behalf of Donald Trump. Under the bus you go, Rudy! And that Trump couldn't have fired Marie Yovanovitch for corrupt purposes after a smear campaign led by Giuliani and his chucklefucks Lev and Igor, because if he did that, why did he replace him with a good American like Bill Taylor?

REMINDER: We don't know what the articles of impeachment will be, but "excessive competence in committing crimes" is not going to be one of them.

12: 47:Louie Gohmert mad, y'all.

Anyway, Castor's presentation is over, and nothing of value was accomplished. He said the Democrats' say this case is clear, but he disagrees and says the case is "anything but" clear. In that construction, we guess he means he's leaving open the possibility that Trump committed a lot of crimes, bu the's not sure.

Now we move to 45 minute rounds by Nadler and Collins and committee counsel.

12: 51:OH FUN!

BARRY BERKE is going to lawyer STEVE CASTOR right in his smirky idiot face.

BERKE: Do you think Donald Trump was pretty sure Joe Biden was his biggest rival for the 2020 election?

CASTOR: Nah.

BERKE: For fucking real? Did you know how many times Trump tweeted about Joe Biden during this time period?

CASTOR: Nah. Smirk.

Republicans are losing their shit about this right now, especially Louie Gohmert, who sounds like he's about to cry.

This should be hilarious.

12: 55:BERKE: Did you do literally anything to try to assess Donald Trump's state of mind as he committed these crimes?

CASTOR: Nah smirk nah. Finding facts has a well known liberal bias!

12: 56:Here's how far up your own ass you have to be to be a Republican these days. Steve Castor just said with his mouth that Trump was speaking "on behalf of the American people" when he asked Ukraine to investigate the Bidens.

 On behalf of the American people . Because you know how actual Americans are just so obsessed with Biden conspiracy theories that grow inside Trump's butt.

Republicans were not ready for Democrats to do this.

12: 59:BERKE: Did Trump ask Zelenskyy to investigate the Bidens right here?

CASTOR: How can you possibly tell.

GOLDMAN: It is super fucking obvious.

Dan Goldman also says it is not typical among criminals that they state out loud when they are going to do a crime, like "Bribe time!"

1: 02:This is what it looks like to be outmatched.

1: 05:Now Berke is giving Castor a lot of shit for saying besmirches about impeachment witnesses, suggesting they came to the hearings with a predetermined conclusion about impeachment. Basically asking Castor if he's for real acting like these Trump administration officials are some kind of anti-Trump Deep Staters.

Speaking of Deep State, the IG report is out. SURPRISE, it debunks every dumbass conspiracy theory Trump has about the Russia investigation.

1: 07:Hahahaha, now Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-Old) is whining that everything in this hearing right now is TOO FAST and MATT GAETZ CAN'T SEE THE SLIDES and just LOL wow.

1: 08:Surprise, turns out the Republican minority report is literally full of bullshit and misrepresents what all kinds of witnesses said. Surprise.

1: 09:Example: In Jennifer Williams's testimony, she said Trump's call was "unusual" and "inappropriate" and "political in nature." The Republican report says she just called it "unusual." Which is quite a difference!

Now Sensenbrenner is whining that Berke is "badgering the witness."

1: 14:Look, you guys, impromptu MENSA meeting.

1: 17:BERKE: Did you really say with a straight face that the Trump administration has cooperated with Congress?

CASTOR: Yes I did! I said it with my face!

BERKE: Here is a list of 5,000 people Trump banned from coming to testify to Congress.

1: 30:Interesting little exchange just played out with both witnesses. Castor REALLY wanted to talk about a July 19 meeting between Ambassador Kurt Volker and Rudy Giuliani, as Berke knocks down the idea that Rudy was going rogue or something and wasn't working directly for Trump.

There were lots of tweets from Rudy where he basically confesses, and finally Dan Goldman was like "actually? Yes let's talk about that July 19 meeting! Because I seem to remember how Volker told Giuliani that all his Biden conspiracy theories were bullshit, and Rudy agreed with him ." In other words, Rudy may be well aware he's chasing debunked bullshit, just to smear Joe Biden to help Trump cheat in the 2020 election, assuming Biden becomes the eventual nominee, which is still very possible if not probable!

1: 36:BERKE: Did literally anybody testify that anybody involved in this didn't know that "Burisma" was code for "Biden"?

GOLDMAN: Only two of them pretended they hadn't figured that out (Sondland and Volker) but everybody else said that was bullshit.

1: 39:And now Berke's first round of questioning is over, and it goes to the idiots. Doug Collins is barking loud country twang words and screaming "WHERE'S ADAM!" Because they want to see Adam Schiff, you see. Unfortunately Adam Schiff and the whistleblower are in Venice doing one of those romantic boat things, PROBABLY.

1: 43:Oh you guys this is sad. We guess Doug Collins is gonna try to do a lot of this himself. He just tried to ZING Goldman by revealing the BOMBSHELL that Joe Biden told Ukraine it wasn't going to get a billion dollars if it didn't fire the corrupt prosecutor general that the Obama administration and the entire rest of the western world agreed needed to be fired, if Ukraine was to continue receiving aid. Goldman was like "Yeah, Joe Biden delivered American foreign policy directives to Ukraine."

Unfortunately for Collins, Goldman doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about with a lot of his questions, because people like Doug Collins believe weirdo shit that sounds like gibberish to normal people.

1: 47:Hahaha, Doug Collins is really mad because he thinks somebody gave a literal order to subpoena call records and then search for things like "Devin Nunes" and "the gross John Solomon conspiracy theorist guy who thinks he's a journalist but just looks like he's never met a bathtub." Goldman is calmly trying to explain to Collins how subpoenas work and how literally nothing Collins believes about this process is subpoenas, how do THEY work ?

GOLDMAN: Maybe you should be asking Devin Nunes why he was on the phone with all Trump's co-conspirators while they were committing Ukraine crimes.

COLLINS: ANGRY BANJO .GIF!!!!1!!!!!!!

1: 53:LOL OK and now Doug Collins is upset that Dan Goldman noted that Gordon Sondland bought his ambassadorship for a million dollars.

COLLINS: YEW KNOW WHAT YEW DID!

GOLDMAN: Whhhhh ... aaaaat ?

Also Matt Gaetz just lost it screaming at Goldman, because Matt Gaetz wants to talk to Adam Schiff, who is not in the room. : (

2: 00:This is so stupid. The GOP counsel takes over, at which point Castor pulls out a list of lots of things he needs to clear up, and they are out of order, and the GOP lawyer is just nodding her head and not asking questions and Castor thinks he's being very clever and you know, this is the best the GOP has.

GOP LAWYER: Mr. Castor, you've been talking for 75 minutes today.

CASTOR: My WIFE likes it when I do the talking when she is not around!

No really.

2: 05:Notice that the GOP lawyer is not asking Dan Goldman a bunch of questions, like Berke did to Castor. That is because these GOP idiots are just not that good.

2: 07:GOP LAWYER: I will slowly ask a question about something Jonathan Turley said.

CASTOR: I will make a very cool point, which is that Jonathan Turley does not like Donald Trump! I will not mention the part about how Democrats mock him like he's Alan Dershowitz's long-lost son.

GOP LAWYER: I will slowly agree with you while looking at my notes a lot, because I am not ready for this at all!

2: 11:Sorry, this is even less productive than when Steve Castor is doing the questioning, asleep now ZZZZZZZZZZ.

2: 18:Oh my god this is the worst Congress we have ever seen. Castor and the GOP counsel are talking to each other at a rate of five words per minute, Castor is searching his witness table for something he cannot seem to find, if their goal right now is to get people to turn the TV off, then they are achieving it.

2: 26:Republicans want a 30-minute break and they are currently voting to not let them have it, sorry no poops for you right now, Republicans.

Anyway, the GOP counsel time is over, and we are not kidding when we say it put us to sleep. Like, we literally caught a couple of Zs.

Five-minute questioning rounds!

NADLER: How is it different, what Biden did when he told Ukraine they weren't going to get money vs. when Trump did it?

GOLDMAN: They are not remotely alike. Joe Biden was delivering the Obama administration's foreign policy message. America supported it, EU supported it, IMF supported it, everybody supported it. When Trump took money from Ukraine, it was for his benefit, and to extort them into announcing investigations. Also the prosecutor general in Ukraine at the time was corrupt . Hell, firing that guy made there more of a chance Burisma would have been investigated, not less .

NADLER: Explain to these idiots how subpoenaing phone records works, because they are so stupid.

GOLDMAN: Explanation! Everything was normal and standard and if Devin Nunes's name came up, we should be asking him why he was in contact with Trump's crime buddies while they were committing crimes .

2: 31:NADLER: How would you describe the evidence of Trump's crimes, as a former prosecutor?

GOLDMAN: Overwhelming.

Cool, it is time for Doug Collins to yell jingle-jangle redneck words about how Joe Biden delivering the Obama administration's foreign policy must be extortion, QEW EEEEEE DEEEEEEE!

(That is how you spell QED in "Georgia Hillbilly" language.)

He is still very mad they released those phone records where Devin Nunes was all full of moos for Trump's co-crimers, allegedly.

2: 38:ZOE LOFGREN: Hey, is it normal to announce investigations without doing them?

GOLDMAN: No, that's the opposite of normal. Usually if you're going to do an actual investigation, you don't announce it, so that you can do the fucking investigation. This was a political favor.

3: 17:Oh oops it is back! Sheila Jackson Lee is questioning now. Hi, we are back!

3: 22:Steve Chabot the very big Republican idiot says we are investigating the wrong guy because we should be investigating Joe Biden and Hunter Biden, did you know we are investigating the wrong guy, oh shit we are investgiating the wrong guy, our bad.

Says the weirdo right wing conspiracy theories about Hunter Biden are not conspiracy theories.

3: 25:Chabot says we are sweeping the Biden corruption under the rug! You know, the Biden corruption the GOP just suddenly became very concerned about in the year of our lord 2019, long after Biden left office.

Steve Chabot shows videos of Bidens doing corruption, they were big videos, OMG.

3: 30:A few minutes ago, Steve Castor said something VERY SPOOKY about a Ukrainian PAYING A BRIBE, like he was making some kind of point about the Bidens, we dunno, we fell asleep again. Woke back up for Dan Goldman, who is very calmly explaining the difference between doing an official act for an official reason, vs. an official act for a political favor for Donald Trump .

Louie Gohmert wanted to use his time to talk to Democratic lawyer Barry Berke, who has not been a witness since opening statements this morning. He cannot do that, so he's just going to yap his shitmouth for five solid minutes without asking questions.

3: 34:Louie Gohmert says DONALD TRUMP doesn't think he's a king, OBUMMER thinks he's a king!

Louie Gohmert is also very mad that the Democrats accused Trump of treason. (They did not.)

Loser looks like he's gonna cry again.

They are all so mad Barry Berke got to question Steve Castor. Obviously, Dems pulled a fast one on the Republicans, who are very stupid.

When I get upset my accent come out...    www.youtube.com 

3: 42:Oh by the way, have you heard that Donald Trump is already just lying about what's in the IG report? How shocking!

Anyway, Jim Jordan, just screaming. Here is another funny Kenneth from "30 Rock" clip that is also kind of like Louie Gohmert.

30 Rock - Donkey Spell    www.youtube.com 

3: 44:Jim Jordan is super pissed that the Dems ended up relying a lot on Gordon Sondland's testimony, because he isn't credible. (And it's true, he's not.)

This is funny because Sondland used to be Trump's star witness, because he was Trump's guy who bought his ambassadorship, etc. But then he got caught kiiiiiiinda fibbing to Congress and decided to save himself by telling the truth. Funny how that happens!

3: 46:JORDAN: Dems published phone records of a journalist!

WONKETTE: Hahahaha, John Solomon is not a journalist.

JORDAN: Dems published phone records of Devin Nunes!

GOLDMAN: That happened, yep.

3: 54:GOP IDIOT KEN BUCK: Russian propaganda Russian propaganda Russian propaganda.

CASTOR: OK!

BUCK: Here is more Russian propaganda. Ken Vogel wrote it! I am going to lie about what that article says now. Doesn't it make sense that Trump, who believes Russian propaganda about Ukraine like I do, wanted them to investigate his Russian propaganda conspiracy theories?

CASTOR: OK!

Ken Buck ends with an unhinged conspiracy theory that somehow Adam Schiff improperly blew Gordon Sondland's whistle and convinced him to change his testimony. Or something. Fuck if we know.

4: 07:John Ratcliffe blah blah blah blah accusing whistleblower of lying accusing Adam Schiff of lying. Remember when we said at the top that Republicans on both Judiciary and Intel committees would be fucking themselves during this hearing? John Ratcliffe is literally fucking himself right now. OK maybe not literally, this is a FAMILY-FRIENDLY HEARING.

4: 12:Rep. Cedric Richmond just verifies real quick with Dan Goldman that when Republicans say Ukraine didn't know about the military hold, they are lying. Goldman confirms that. Also says any excuse about how Trump did the hold because he was supposedly concerned with burden-sharing with Europe over aid is bullshit.

4: 14:Martha Roby is stunned just stunned. STUNNED. Also this is BIZARRE.

Boring.

4: 18:Steve Castor just reasserted the lie that Ukraine didn't know about the hold on the aid.

Also Doug Collins and Steve Castor agree that it is very bad that we are calling Zelenskyy a "liar" when he says he never felt pressured by Ukraine. Been over this before. It's not that he's a liar, it's that the power disparity between the two leaders coupled with Ukraine's current war with Russia puts a proverbial gun to Zelenskyy's head, where he still can't afford to piss Trump off.

Everything about that Republican argument is so fucking gross. 

4: 24:LOL, it's Matt Gaetz's turn, so MSNBC is like "this is a good time for a break probably." They are talking about the IG report that fucks Donald Trump's conspiracy theories right up.

Anyway, what is Matt Gaetz's face? Seriously, what is it?

It just doesn't work as a face.

4: 28:Gaetz is such a moron. He's yelling at Goldman for giving donations to Democrats (he is a Democrat) and he's yelling at Goldman for sending tweets that were mean to Donald Trump and oh just shut your unfortunate facemouth, Matt Gaetz.

Meanwhile, Goldman is like ... what ? Gaetz is demanding to know if Goldman regrets some tweet he sent, and Goldman is like ... what ?

The rest of Gaetz's monologue was him jerking off into a soup can about how Democrats aren't accomplishing things for the American people, when the reality is that the Dems have passed one million bills and they're all sitting on Mitch McConnell's desk collecting dust.

4: 40:OK we're getting close to 5: 00 PM, and this hearing is going to go forever, and the news is trying to cover the IG report too, and everything is just CRAZY! So stay here and watch if you want, go read Liz's post on Rudy Giuliani, and also go do The Holidays shopping at the Wonkette Bazaar! We have impeachment things here , here and here! 

Oh yeah, and if you love Wonkette remember that we are 100 percent funded by YOU, and NOBODY ELSE. So hit those buttons below to send us holiday cheer, by which we mean MONEY DONATIONS!

Thank you we love you.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE! 

Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.