Intelligence Community Cracking Down On Leaks About Weaponized Armored Dolphin Soldiers Probably

Fox News has uncovered chilling evidence that Bamz is running the least transparent, most fascist administration EVAH. America’s top spy, or department head, James Clapper has attacked freedom, by writing a strongly worded memo addressed to employees of the intelligence community.

The memo dictates that:

“employees ...must obtain authorization for contacts with the media on covered matters through the office responsible for public affairs ... and must also report to that office unplanned or unintentional contact with the media on covered matters"

This is outrageous. How can we expect members of our intelligence community to not immediately share all information they receive with the nearest reporter? What about transparency?! What other organization has ever been subjected to such oppressive secrecy measures as handling media coverage through an office for public affairs? Oh, every organization you’ve ever worked for, you say?

What could possibly have prompted such a crackdown? Some would argue that Clapper’s motivation stems from the seemingly constant coverage of damaging leaks coming out of our intelligence community. The Snowden debacle is just one of the two stories that come to mind immediately. It’s been said, by Fox News, that leaders of the Intelligence Committee believe leaks are causing "imminent and irreparable damage to our national security." 

But, we know the truth. The Russian newspaper Izvestia has a devastating, totally unsubstantiated scoop. The US Navy is taking action against Russia, with super-intelligent dolphin spies. Tom LaPuzza, non-spokesman for not the US Navy's marine mammals program admitted that 20 dolphins and 10 sea lions will be deployed to the traditionally Russian-controlled Black Sea.

Obviously, Clapper’s crack down on the intelligence community was to prevent us from finding out about the Navy’s militarized sea creatures. The squadron has multiple purposes: dolphins will be testing a new anti-radar system, disorienting enemy sonars, while the sea lions are finding sea mines. That’s right, humanity has sown the seas with mines. Because landmines just weren’t fucked up enough. The marine mammal program will also be testing out their newly perfected dolphin armor. Seriously? We have dolphin armor? We spent money developing DOLPHIN ARMOR? Actually, it turns out that there is no evidence anywhere that we have developed dolphin armor, but some Russian newspaper told us about it, so that seems like a reliable source.

This deployment has significant risk. Russia has also acquired militarized dolphins and it’s possible that these dolphins will also be on a training exercise this summer. If the marine mammals were to meet, it’s clear that the fragile truce between these two dolphin superpowers could be broken, resulting in an all-out war for the seas. The Navy's marine mammal program denies that such a battle could occur, arguing that since dolphins can't tell the difference between our enemies and our allies, "it would not be wise to give that kind of decision authority to an animal." They also deny the story has any factual basis, given thatTom LaPuzza is not actually their spokesman. But, we all know this is double speak for dolphin assassins.

If James Clapper were to get his way, stories like this might never reach the public. Where’s your transparency now, Nobama? Why are you keeping us from the truth about weaponized dolphins? And Clapper’s memo isn’t some toothless paper tiger. His latest directive subjects the intelligence community to draconian administrative action if they happen to get caught talking to members of the press about their work. ADMINISTRATIVE ACTION, people. It’s just like a blood oath, except in memo form.

[ Fox News / NBC News ]