Dear Sara,
During the pandemic, I stopped going outside my home very often. At first it was for the obvious health reasons, and then after that I just found I preferred not dealing with people unless I really wanted to see them. But I feel the same way now in this era. It isn’t that I’m afraid of catching something. I just don’t want to go out. It’s impacting what used to be a great social life full of in-person friendships. What is going on with me? — Not Afraid To Go Out, Just Don’t Want To
Dear NATGOJDWT,
When you say “going outside my home,” do you mean leaving the physical confines of your apartment/house/hobbit hole? Or do you mean going beyond the limits of your yard/personal forest/vast estate and/or lovely neighborhood? If there is a specific aversion to going outdoors at all, in any weather, I think this one might be above my pay grade. I’ll try to stay in my lane but give advice for a few situations.
If you genuinely feel a revulsion at stepping outside your front door, I would consult a reputable mental health counselor to check in and see what’s what. As an agoraphobic person, I benefit greatly from working with a psychologist and psychiatrist.
I don’t only recommend or believe in conventional American medical treatment, however. When I can afford it, I sometimes go and get a massage or an acupuncture treatment, both of which help lower my anxiety as well. And exercise, though I hate to admit it, really does do wonders for one’s state of mind. Also, if you’re into it, a decent faith community that doesn’t make you want to set anything on fire. Or a nice group of hot atheists.
Not everything requires a diagnosis. Not every change is a problem. If you just don’t want to bother with people outside the realm of your corner of the world, that’s entirely understandable and may simply be what you want right now.
Sometimes people suck. Sometimes streets are loud and riddled with potholes or even ratholes that tragically get filled in. And if you’ve got a comfortable home base where you can welcome individuals you enjoy and avoid those you don’t, well, shit. That sounds pretty fucking great to me.
A lot of us found out during 2020 - 2021 that we didn’t actually enjoy the social and professional routines to which we’d previously been accustomed. Some activities were a waste or time, energy, and money. We began to value things like little walks around the neighborhood, phone calls with friends, and even cooking and tidying and watching the fucking grass grow. Being surrounded by massive death via respiratory illness and depression sort of put things in perspective for many of us.
Some people decided to travel MORE. I met a fellow who worked a very difficult direct responder job in NYC and found that he loved going camping and hiking in all weather. I think that’s wonderful! Others eschewed their former party lifestyles even when it was deemed safe, in favor of one-on-one hang time. I got a cat who rules my entire life. I learned how to use certain hand tools. I promptly forgot how, but the point is, I KNEW HOW FOR A MINUTE.
I leave it to you and a counselor, wise friend, or teacher (perhaps in the form of a book) to disentangle the different elements at play here and figure out if we’ve got a Problem or just, you know, a new way of being for you.
Have a friend over. Just one. See how that goes. Maybe it becomes a regular thing, maybe it doesn’t. Experiment.
Finally, I shall say that if you can figure out which friends are happy to keep up with you via telephone or even old time handwritten cards, it is kind of fun and weird and wonderful. Some folks need in-person time with you, and it is understandable that they will back off if you seem uninterested in that. But others may genuinely delight in finding new ways to relate to you, their dear old friend. They may feel extra special that you actually want to chat with them.
Dear Sara,
I did not go to college. Couldn’t afford it, didn’t see the need. Even though I now realize many university educations are overpriced and impractical, I still feel a little bit of regret about it once in awhile. I’m mostly over that. But I do occasionally fantasize about having four years to just read. I was wondering if you and the commenters would be willing to recommend some books you loved in college so I can just take them out of my local library and skip the tuition. Any subject, any genre, any era. — The Library Is My University
Dear TLIMU,
Ooh ooh ooh. I’m trying to remember the books I loved in college. I am not sure I re-learned how to enjoy reading entire books until after college. In college, I got into reading essays and/or poems. I remember really enjoying the short-form work of David Sedaris, Naomi Shihab Nye, Anne Lamott, Annie Dillard, John Edgar Wideman, and others.
I shall now throw it out to the rest of the horny horde of nerds: What the hell did you people enjoy reading during your filthy, sweaty, weed-toking scholarly days at the University of Butts and Sacks? If you didn’t go to college, please advise on the best books you were assigned in any school/training program. Thank you!
OPEN THREAD
To repeat from last night: my mother's body finally gave out, shortly before local midnight, after four-and-a-half days without a ventilator or fluids or nutrition. My dad and oldest brother were at her side when it happened, while my older brother and I were back at the house, about to turn in. After the long lead-up, the event itself was apparently quick and undramatic: a few extra-labored breaths, one final gasp, and -- finally! -- rest.
We're having the funeral and cremation on Wednesday. In addition to all the local people, my best friend and his mom are also going to come, from Fort Worth and North Carolina, respectively.
After that, my brothers are going to have to return to their own lives, while my dad and I try to make the house presentable for the Hindu memorial ceremony, which takes place (10? 11? 13?) days after death, which takes place in the home, and which will see dozens of people coming to the house.
My brothers will come back for the ceremony, and then go home again. I'm planning on staying at least another week after that, to make sure my dad is stable on a new routine.
Thank you yet again for all the support you have given me this past week. It has been tremendously meaningful. I would have made the same posts anyway, to yell into the void, but because of y'all, the void yelled back words of encouragement and solace.
You all would be very uninterested in my mathematics books from my college years, and even less interested in all the computer science books that are now well out-of-date thirty-something years later. But, one book that stuck with me and I think is a timeless exploration of cognition and interconnectivity between different disciplines is GEB. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/G%C3%B6del,_Escher,_Bach
I might have to find and buy it and reread it. My mom threw out all my textbooks ages ago.