It All Started With A Dairy Cow Named 'Gem': A Brief History Of Devin Nunes Being Stupid His Entire Life

This is not Gem. OR IS IT?

There is no shortage of articles on Wonkette chronicling the many stupidities of Congressman Devin Nunes, GOP chair of the House "Intelligence" Committee, the man who never gets invited to bring the potato salad to the MENSA picnic, and who may or may not be in a romantic relationship with a dairy cow, how would we know, we are not that nosy. (OR ARE WE?) We have kept close tabs on Nunes ever since that night in March of 2017, when he ninja kicked his way out of an Uber so he could sprint to the White House to tell the White House what the White House had just told him about how there is PROOF that Barack Obama personally put "wire tapps" inside Donald Trump's bottom. (There was not proof. Hey, fun fact! Ezra Cohen-Watnick, the former NSC guy who helped Fucking Devin that night? Trump justordered Jeff Sessions to hire him at DOJ. Weird, right? It's almost like Trump wants a mole over there.)

Point is, posts about how Fucking Devin is Fucking Stupid and also a Fucking Scourge On The Republic and also maybe a Fucking Traitor are nothing new here. But the  New York Times  has a deep dive into how Fucking Devin has been stupid and maybe a traitor FORFUCKINGEVER, long before he became a star of our current national nightmare, doing everything he possibly can to obstruct justice for Trump in the Russia investigations, and doing his level best to destroy our institutions in the process. As they say occasionally on the internet, you should read the whole thing, but here are our favorite nuggets of information about what Fucking Devin was up to when not so many people were paying attention:

It all starts with a dairy cow named 'Gem.'

Know how we are always NOT SAYING Devin Nunes fucks cows and maybe that is why he DEFINITELY DOESN'T have Mad Cow Disease? OK, well, story time! Because back in the day, he had a dairy cow named "Gem," and he was a conspiracy theorist who believed patently false things even then, because Devin Nunes was born stupid.

Fucking Devin was 22 at the time, and had graduated from the College of the Sequoias, and was "utterly convinced that his alma mater was secretly planning to close its campus farm." That wouldn't make "Gem" very happy, would it? It certainly didn't make FUTURE FARMERS OF AMERICA JUNIOR GRAND CHAMPION Fucking Devin Nunes very happy! That farm was where he played with the piggies and stuff! So he ran for the board of trustees at the school, to keep them from doing illegal FISA "wire tapps" to the piggies on the farm, and also to keep them from closing it!

Thing is, they were not closing the farm. Fucking Devin was 'splained TIME AND TIME AGAIN that yes, they were selling the farm, but they were going to take the proceeds to buy a BIGGER FARM, where Fucking Devin could run and play all the livelong day with the piggies. Maybe even one day he could bring "Gem" over on her dairy cow leash and they could moo erotically at the piggies together!

But no, Fucking Devin saw a CONSPIRACY. So he ran, and he won, and he was apparently a big help in ... buying a much larger parcel of farmland, which was the original plan in the first fucking place. Good job, Fucking Devin! You will do many great things in life, we are sure.

BENGHAZI!!!!!11111!!

Once Fucking Devin got onto the House Intel Committee, he was SO EXCITED, because he thought that meant he was a spy! It wasn't that he applied himself or anything. Then, as now, he had a reputation for never doing his homework or reading underlying classified intelligence, because on top of being stupid, Fucking Devin is fucking LAZY:

His lack of preparation could be seen in the committee’s classified hearings, where ... Nunes often seemed out of his depth. “The committee gets to ask direct questions of the C.I.A. director for two hours a quarter, and if a member is using up half his time on questions that he should already know the answers to, it’s not very productive,” [a] former staff member says.

DERP! But why would Fucking Devin listen to briefings or read intel, when he already knew inside his very big allegedly Mad Cow-diseased brain that everybody was doing conspiracies and lies to him?

Even worse [...] was how Nunes did get his information. “He’d go out to these hinterlands and run into security guys there, and they’d give him crazy ideas,” the former committee staff member says. “He wasn’t discerning. These guys might have something interesting that’s one piece of the whole puzzle, but he’d think whatever they had to say was the whole truth.” Then, when Nunes brought back that information to Washington and intelligence officials would try to put it in context for him — or correct any misinformation — he would become suspicious. “He didn’t take people at face value,” a former government official recalls, “and didn’t always believe leadership.”

When Fucking Devin thought he was being lied to, he would get in airplanes to go find out for himself, and 100% of the time, he'd come back having found out exactly NOTHING and having wasted time and taxpayer money, which definitely probably means he was getting TOO CLOSE TO THE CONSPIRACY.

The Times details one time Nunes was sure the Obama administration was lying about Benghazi, so he forced the committee to chase a false lead about a drone operator with SECRET VIDEO of what REALLY HAPPENED that night (probably Hillary personally ordering the attack with her emails), and what they ended up finding was a guy who wasn't even there, who was lying to his parents about what he allegedly did in Benghazi.

Another time, five CIA contractors were swearing up and down they had been given a "stand down" order to stop rescuing people at the embassy in Benghazi. Fucking Devin made such good friends with them, he even invited them to his office for cigarettes and devil juice the night before their testimony! Long story short, their testimony was determined by other Republicans on the committee to be horseshit, and they didn't include it in their report, which is why Fucking Devin didn't support the committee's report.

For his acts of stupidity and constantly fucking goats (we mean that figuratively, "Gem," do not get jealous!), John Boehner rewarded him by making him chairman of the intel committee.

That's when the fun really began.

Before Fucking Devin was doing Russia's bidding, he did PORTUGAL'S BIDDING.

When Nunes got the chairmanship, he was ready to tackle America's most important intelligence issue, which seems to be doing unofficial foreign agent work for Portugal, specifically the Azores islands, where Fucking Devin's kin come from. He had specifically been obsessed, the entire time he had been on the committee, with an American military installation there called Lajes, and was convinced it should be America's intel/military outpost for PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING.

Fellow congressmen and intel chiefs were constantly telling him, "No, Devin," because putting NSA listening outposts and drone bases and F-16s there wasn't strategically smart, was too expensive, and was just generally all around fucking stupid. (They WOULD say that, wouldn't they?) They even said things like, "You can't put an NSA listening post in the Azores, because Portugal isn't in the Five Eyes alliance," the group of five nations that share just about everything with each other, intel-wise. PFFFFFFFFT FAKE NEWS!

Once he was chairman, it was time to show everybody his AUTHORI-TAH:

Nunes unveiled a new proposal for Lajes: making it the home of the Joint Intelligence Analysis Complex (JIAC), which included a huge new “intelligence fusion center” for the United States and its NATO allies. But the Pentagon was already planning to build the JIAC at the Croughton Royal Air Force base near London. Not only was Croughton deemed to be the ideal location for the complex, but Lajes was also singularly ill equipped for the job. [...]

Although Nunes claimed that locating the JIAC at Lajes instead of Croughton would save the Pentagon $35 million a year because of the lower cost of living in the Azores and other efficiencies there, the Pentagon estimated that the infrastructure improvements needed at Lajes would cost $1.3 billion more than those at Croughton.

LIES! said Fucking Devin.

Nunes liked to call the Azores “the Hawaii of the Atlantic Ocean, only closer to America’s homeland.” But Hawaii, of course, has the advantage of being part of America.

Oh, that little detail.

But yet ...

Nunes persisted.

So he took a congressional delegation there, and swore up and down to the Azorean president that he would make sure they got all their hearts' desires. Fucking Devin didn't actually deliver on that promise, but in the process he did make some of his colleagues wonder whose side he was really on, since he seemed to be more worried about Portuguese interests than American interests, and he seemed to constantly be leaking intel to the Portuguese. ( SOUND FAMILIAR? )

Anything but America, right, Devin?

Key quote:

Looking back on the episode now, [Obama deputy assistant secretary of defense for European and NATO policy Jim] Townsend views it as a harbinger of sorts. “When all this stuff happened with the Russians, I laughed like hell,” he says, in reference to the Intelligence Committee’s investigation descending into chaos. “Of course it’s Nunes!”

FUCKING DEVIN.

OK, this post is really long now, but we encourage you, once again, to READ THE WHOLE THING, to give you a nice, full picture of Devin Nunes, a man who has been remarkably stupid his entire life, who may not ever be working for the interests of the United States, and who still gets a little tingle in his man parts when he thinks of a simple dairy cow named "Gem."

Allegedly.

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[ New York Times ]