It's The Most Wonderful Night Of The Year (OR ELSE): Liveblogging The 2022 Midterm Elections!

Take a breath. We're gonna be fine.

Hey! Hey guys! Hey you guys! Remember 2: 45 a.m. on Midterm Election Night 2018, when I was drunk? 

MEMORIES! FUCK YOU I'M DRUNK! 

I was so mad, and so drunk, and my whole 2: 45 a.m. post was just about farts. I had expected a Lection Night Whompin', because I am a cockeyed optimist, and then it was just sort of middling, and I cussed you out and said "fart" at you and was so so mad.

And then a couple weeks later, it turned out we won Georgia (BOTH Georgias)* and the House, and all of my old stomping grounds, Orange County, CA, and I come to you tonight serene and ready to liveblog at you any results we can get, and if there's a Red Mirage I'm ready for it, and if shit goes sideways, give it a while.

*I am informed by Evan, that we did not win Georgia in 2018, that was just 2020, in which case why did I write this in that drunk farty post? " *Georgia, you get a fuck of an asterisk, I mean GODDAMN." 

 It is an asterisk with an asterisk, and NOBODY KNOWS WHY. 

Oh, Evan knows why, that was the election when Brian Kemp voter suppressed Stacey Abrams out of winning, and that is why I keep him around, besides his way with vicious invective.

Who, my dear terrible ones, is ready to rumble?

7: 20 p.m.:What do we know so far? We don't! Vermont will stay Dem in the Senate; South Carolina will stay Republican in the Senate, both with like zero percent reporting. It is what we call "a gimme" and what 12-year-old me insisted on staying up till 2 in the morning for because 97 percent reporting IS NOT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT REPORTING. I think we can believe those two though.

7: 30 p.m.:How's your blood pressure? We should all do "breath training" (not the same as "breath play," ew gross) and have a daily ... I don't know, calisthenics or some shit. That will be order number one in the cult I'm working on (not working on, you're already in it).

New York Times, go fuck yourself. 

“Elections and anxiety often go hand in hand. Here are some evidence-based strategies that can help you cope. https: //t.co/Bu9Bq5AVqh”

— The New York Times (@The New York Times) 1667948706 

8 p.m.: Hey you guys seeing anything? Evan keeps trying to force feed me "results" in the chatcave (MIAMI BAD!) and "analysis" about the results. Like, I KNOW EVAN, LATINOS DONT LIKE THE TERM LATINX (and LOL now I'm seeing some outlets use "Latine" instead, STOP THAT, OUTLETS, JESUS). Here'sa nice story about college women at an HBCU going voting, yay : )

8: 05 p.m.:Maura Healey is the first chick governor of Massachusetts, congratulations, Massachusetts, that took you a while, I say smugly from Michigan where I've lived with a chick gov for all of six months.

Ooooh, and HELLOOOOO MD GOVERNOR-ELECT WES MOORE!

File: Wes Moore credit Amunankhra House Ltd.jpg - Wikimedia Commons    commons.wikimedia.org 

8: 25 p.m.:Chatcave right now is just telling The Needle (New York Times) it don't know, and also to suck some dicks. It is possible The Needle is not well-regarded by your Wonkettes.

Wonkette: very cultured, very couth!

8: 40 p.m.:Let's meet this nice young man, Maxwell Frost, who may end up being the only good thing out of Stupid Florida tonight. (OR NOT! SIXTY PERCENT ISN'T A HUNDRED PERCENT, RON DESANTIS. Good lord I hope you never ever ever expect me to be "good at political prognostication," that has just never been my bag.) Anyway, 25-year-old March for Our Lives Congressguy-elect Maxwell Frost! 

8: 50 p.m.:Jen Psaki is explaining on Twitter that a) Latinos are not monolithic (WE KNOW!), that Florida is home to many olds (KNEW THAT TOO!), and that the Spanish-media disinformation is LE BAD (I WAS JUST YELLING THIS AT EVAN!). Whoooole bunch of Q shit all over Spanish radio, and Democrats better get an answer to "are you eating human babies" sooner than never!

Anyway, Ron DeSantis and Marco Rubio probably "won."

9 p.m.: Read theINSPIRING STORY of how Sarah Huckabee Sanders ROSE UP against the discrimination of somebody wouldn't let her eat her snack plate at their restaurant once just because she defended putting immigrant babies in cages and then BEAT THE ODDS to become Arkansas's First Walking Asshole elected governor!

I am just kidding, there have been A LOT of walking assholes elected governor in Arkansas.

9: 05 p.m.:Oh hey, it turns out the pomegranate juice I had in the pantry out of which we made some nice vodka ginger beer pomegranate cocktails was supposed to be refrigerated for the past some months.

I hope I don't die while I am blooging at you. That would be : (

9: 30 p.m.:WHOOPS I WAS GONE A LONG TIME, bet you were worried I was DEAD, well TOO BAD, I'M NOT.

Also too bad: Colorado litterbox lady did not win her race to ban litterboxes from all the state's schools, now by law are children are fuzzies. It Was Never 'Litterboxes,' Colorado GOP Gov Nom Lady Just Mad Little Kids Wearing Cat Ears, See! 

9: 40 p.m.:WATCH OUT, ANALYSIS INCOMING! 

“HUMAN BUTTHAIR SCULPTURE, MUST CREDIT @WONKETTE”

— Master Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King (@Master Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King) 1667961414 

9: 45 p.m.:MSNBC calls Colorado Senate for Democrat Michael Bennet. Whoever from The Bulwark said he thought that would go to the somewhat less crazy than the rest of them Joe Odea. Good thing the Bulwark is full of shit.

10 p.m.: Here isa tweet for you, while Twitter still exists!

“This is not a red tsunami. In fact, it might be shaping up as the best midterm cycle for an incumbent president's party since the rally-around-the-flag election of 2002.”

— Tim Alberta (@Tim Alberta) 1667961795 

Did I tell you guys I got a little bit of a gambling problem on Senate races yesterday, or did I explain that in tomorrow morning's tabs? ANYWAY, I got a little bit of a gambling problem on Senate races yesterday. (And House. And gov.) It might take some time for me to collect all my winnings while all these House races are counted.

10: 20 p.m.:HEY NOW, we should probably for the very first time meet this fella, Adam Frisch, who with 70 percent of the vote in seems to be beating Lauren Boebert in her crazy-conservative Colorado district right now. Hi Adam! 

10: 35 p.m.:MSNBC is calling PA gov for (((Shapiro))) instead of the terrifying Christian Nationalist Mastriano. They're not calling Senate for Fetterman because they are COWARDS!

COWARDS!

10: 40 p.m.:RED WAAAAAAVE!

Shining Stephen King GIF    Giphy 

Just kidding.

10: 45 p.m.:Look who's a piece of shit, it is Rep. Andy Biggs. 

“Congressman Andy Biggs at the AZ GOP watch party tonight just said this: “Nancy is losing the gavel but she is finding the hammer… too soon?””

— Kyung Lah (@Kyung Lah) 1667964606 

The Right is getting better at comedy and the sheep are getting nervous.

10: 55 p.m.:People claiming stupid bullshit about litterboxes having a tough night : (

GO WAY DON BOLDUC!

11 p.m.: Well fuck a duck, JD Vance gonna rub his butthair all over the Senate for the next six years.

Senate seats I'm counting on for my TERRIBLE GAMBLING PROBLEM looking bad. Cheri Beasley is down; Tim Ryan seems out; and at the moment Astronaut Sheriff Herschel Walker is UP over the Rev. Sen. Raphael Warnock, gentleman pastor of Martin Luther King Jr.'s church??? THE FUCK.

Mandela Barnes real close to Stupidest Man in the Senate (for now) Ron Johnson though. I got some Wonkbux on that!

And famous running back Mark Kelly (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) looking real good in AZ.

WAIT WAIT, did you guys know Gavin Newsom was up for election again today? How many times a year they gonna make that poor handsome man run???

11: 40 p.m.:WHO GOT THE MONEY FOR THE KIDS?

 www.youtube.com 

GRETCH DID.

11: 45 p.m.:It's Kathy Hochul, Dem gov in New York, staying the Dem gov in New York, and the only thing I have to say about that is these people actually made us worry with their bullshit "narrative" and WHY ARE WE LISTENING TO THEM?

11: 55 p.m.:Bye bye bortion-panel Bo! New Madison Cawthorn Stupider Than Old Madison Cawthorn, Somehow 

And in Maine, former Gov. Paul LePage, who wouldn't even be a piker in the lunatic eye of these Neue Republikaner, has lost his bid to unseat Democratic Gov. Janet Mills, and will have to go accuse Shifty and D-Money of knocking up white girls somewhere else. Maine Gov. Paul LePage Sure Black Men Go To Maine To Sell Drugs, Sex Up White Girls 

12: 05 a.m.:  Thanks Linds. 

“"Definitely not a Republican wave, that’s for darn sure." - @LindseyGrahamSC”

— The Lincoln Project (@The Lincoln Project) 1667967536 

12: 30 a.m.:Tudor Dixon in Michigan is not conceding. Doug Mastriano in PA is not conceding. And I ... have literally zero problem with that. The votes have not all been counted, by all means, COUNT THEM ALL! And then it ain't matter if you concede or not, and if you try to march your thugs on the capitol, go to jail!

12: 55 p.m.:And per MSNBC, it's John Fetterman, your next senator from the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania and I still don't know what a commonwealth is : )

Man, those Trump endorsement kisses are like THE GODFATHER kisses! IT MEANS DEATH!

Also oranges. I am informed by "Sopranos" commentary that oranges in The Godfather mean death.

I think I am going to leave you here amongst yourselves and sleep the sleep of the VERY TIRED and NOT WICKED and QUITE JUST. I will see you bright and early unless I see you first.

Now BE GOOD and SEND ME MONEY and also SLEEP TIGHT or DON'T, if you are young or insomniacal. THE END.

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