It Was Only A Matter Of Time Before You Were Drinking With Your iPhone

Wednesday, January 19: The news that America is fated to become aNation of Whores couldn't have come at a better time for Washingtonians: Tonight you can attend the "How To Be Successful at Internet Dating" event at MadHatter. There you will learn how to maximize your online dating presence, the mysterious art of "meeting someone in person" (Maybe don't have your first date be an early morning jog through Rock Creek park followed by drinks at the Black Squirrel? ) as well as other key tricks to using the internet to increase your economic viability/find love in D.C. [ GregsList DC ]

• Wednesday, January 19: For a while there, you could waterboard yourself with as much beer as you wanted and actually afford your bill. But then came the Recession and PBR got all expensive. Now, so long as you can afford an iPhone, you will never, ever have to go without cheap drinks, thanks to "virtual drinking." The fun begins tonight at The Mighty Pint, where drinks are FREE from 5-6PM and then $1 the rest of the night, so long as you order through theBartabapp on your phone. [BarTab DC at the Mighty Pint ]

• Wednesday, January 19 through Sunday, January 23: The sacred week in which restaurants open their doors to the plebeians and allow them to eat a three-course-dinner for the recession-proof price of $35.11 (or $20.11 in the Atlas District) is once again upon us. You either love Restaurant Week or hate it, or find it unnecessary now that there's not a day where you can't get $70 worth of food for $35. Either way, it's here. Indulge if you want. [Restaurant Week , H Street Eats via What the Hill ]

• Sunday, January 23: If you somehow have 5 hours and $45 to spare, the bottomless dim sum and lychee mimosa brunch atPing Pong Dim Sum is a good option for your time and money. [ GregsListDC ]

• Monday, January 31: At some point the gimmicks will stop, and Washingtonians will too be forced to eat Slim Jims, cat litter and whatever other foodstuffs are stillaffordable. But until that day comes, we will continue to turn anything into a gluttonous excuse to eat the innards of an animal (preferably pig): Birch and Barley will be hosting a Beer Belly dinner on January 31. The five course meal includes samples of goat, lamb, hamachi and other beasts' bellies paired with select craft beers. [ Birch & Barley ]