It's All Fun And Games Until Steve Bannon Drunk-Dials You With His Butt

He just wants to be friends.

First of all, it is bullshit that Steve Bannon had girl talk with Robert Kuttner, a reporter from the American Prospect , and didn't know he was giving an interview. He may say that, but it's bullshit. The guy ran/runs Breitbart, and knows what a "reporter" is. As Kuttner explains, Bannon "is not exactly Bambi when it comes to dealing with the press." Now, did Bannon's flaky pock-marked ass accidentally dial the reporter when he was drunk? We don't know, but Bannon says he's a teetotaler, so probably not! (We don't understand how teetotalers get skin that bad, but hey, MAYBE he really doesn't drink.)

Regardless, oh boy, what a conversation they had! Kuttner says the call was unsolicited, and you'll pardon us for assuming most human interactions with Steve Bannon are unsolicited. It happened Tuesday afternoon, presumably after Donald Trump did his best impression of the Stupidest Hitler, and stuck up for the Nazis in Charlottesville. (The president is still doing that this morning, on Twitter, bitching and man-baby crying about how every time a Confederate monument comes down, a Nazi angel gets punched in the dick. Sad!)

The most important takeaway is that Steve Bannon, the guy who allegedly told his wife he didn't want his kids going to school with a bunch of fucking Jews, thinks white supremacists are total losers. Yes, this is the same Steve Bannon who used his internet platform, Dead Breitbart's Home For White Guys Who Don't Usually Get Erections, to mainstream white supremacists and Nazis.

“Ethno-nationalism—it's losers. It's a fringe element. I think the media plays it up too much, and we gotta help crush it, you know, uh, help crush it more.”

“These guys are a collection of clowns,” he added.

Well OK then! We're skeptical!

A lot of the interview seems to be Bannon's way of pushing back on the swirl of rumors that he's losing his influence in the White House, or that he might be fired and have to spend the rest of his life picking skin tags off his grundle all by himself in some place that isn't the White House. (Not gonna happen. Bannon is the boss of Donald Trump, and if he didn't get fired for calling Jared Kushner a "cuck," i.e. saying his boss's daughter bones black dudes while his boss's son-in-law watches, he should be fairly safe.)

He discussed his brilliant thoughts about China, and said "there's no military solution" when it comes to North Korea, which is a wildly different stance from when Donald Trump attempted to appear manly and said he was going to do "fire, fury and frankly power" to the pathetic little rogue nation. Considering all that, he sees no reason not to be "maniacally focused" on having a trade war with China, because #reasons.

He also says he's going to fire all the normal people at all the departments and replace them with stinky racist buckets of dick cheese like himself:

“I’m changing out people at East Asian Defense; I’m getting hawks in. I’m getting Susan Thornton [acting head of East Asian and Pacific Affairs] out at State.”

But can Bannon really win that fight internally?

“That’s a fight I fight every day here,” he said. “We’re still fighting. There’s Treasury and [National Economic Council chair] Gary Cohn and Goldman Sachs lobbying.”

“We gotta do this. The president’s default position is to do it, but the apparatus is going crazy. Don’t get me wrong. It’s like, every day.”

OK, whatever that means, big hairy gin-soaked crusty jizz face man.

Fun fact: As we were writing this, MSNBC aired a live clip of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson being very publicly nice to Susan Thornton. Perhaps that is Tillerson's way of saying, "As soon as I wake up from this nap, FUCK Steve Bannon, right in his ear."

Anyway, Steve Bannon is disgusting and we're glad he doesn't call us for unsolicited phone sexxx, the end.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by lovely souls like you! If you love us, click below to pay our salaries!

[ The American Prospect ]