It's Okay Rich People, There Will Be No New Taxes On Your Private Jets!

Unbate your breath, relax those hunched muscles, the day of Freedom is upon us! If you, like me, are a kajillionaire who pays Swedish lesbians to feed you grapes, you no doubt understand how bullshit taxes are. I am of course writing this from my floating libertarian garbage island, but I have been stressed lately I must say. "Felicia," I have been saying in between grapes, because Felicia is inexplicably the 48th most popular girl's name in Sweden, "I want to install an airstrip on my private island but I am concerned that my taxes will go up! Whatever shall I do?"

But His Most Intelligent Of Leaders has made all my dreams possible now! It is a time for joy! There will be no aviation taxes on private and business aircraft in the new aviation infrastructure plan! This is obviously because we have finally elected a government that knows that people who can afford private planes would be put off by any new 1% surcharges. It's like that South Park episode where Britney can only afford a Gulfstream 3 instead of a Gulfstream 4 and these are the things that try men's souls! Haha, we do not have souls actually, we sold them to get the money to buy the planes! Trick aphorism!

But wait, there's more! September is the deadline for passing a new aviation bill, and our infrastructure is woefully out of date, according to the people who would like the contract to update it. It uses radar and not GPS, which Gary Cohn who is the director of the National Economic Council says is just embarrassing given that we have all the techbros here in this very country and all the OTHER countries got to get GPS like AGES ago and anyway why not turn over airspace to the major airlines and their trade groups? 

I am sure those asshole Democrats will oppose this but I, from my floating libertarian garbage island, would much prefer that Delta or United be in charge of the nation's travel infrastructure. I see on the social medias sometimes that plebes can't figure out how to make the airlines even get their bags to their places on time but this is only because they are far too lazy to get Mega Diamond Platinum Titanium Xenon Status, which I do recommend. (Did you know if you fly first class from Heathrow they take you to a lounge while you wait where your pet can be groomed and a tree is growing out of the ground? True story! But the cheese is subpar, I must say.) Anyway the point is that Nick Calio, who is President/CEO of Airlines Of America which is a lovely trade group of airline execs says this will make everything much faster and safer and if we put the airlines in charge of everything there will be no cost to customers!

Now, I personally do not believe that last because I trust executives to know what's best and we all know that "best" is nearly synonymous with most profitable, but fuck it, they will get better cheese. They will have to. And as I was telling Felicia, I do not mind paying triple for my plane as long as there are NO NEW TAXES. I think Felicia was nearly as excited about this as I was because she stopped feeding me one grape at a time and shoved the whole bunch down my throat and we had to call someone to come punch me in the stomach again to stop me choking. I can always tell when Felicia is excited because I wind up getting punched.

Safety first!

[ SacBee ]

Help us pay our lesbian grape-wranglers! Give today!