Hello How Have You Been GIVE US YOUR MONEY

Sorry, who's calling?

Hey, it's me, and I'm going to ask you for money this month, which I normally never do because I'm normally not Rebecca. We know it's late in the month, but Rebecca felt bad about asking people for their hard-earned stimmy. She's not a common pastor pushing snake oil to suckers. In fact, do you need money? Can we give you some? Rebecca would rather be doing that this month than asking. Or so she claims. 

But May's next week and Wonkette is still a seven-day, news and snark machine that has servers and writers to feed. I'm stepping in today because Rebecca might have neck cancer and is feeling PRETTY sorry for her even though I've already tried singing “You'll Never Walk Alone." 

my shoulder hurts radiating from the cap down my arm and also in to the neck, so I either have been having a heart… https: //t.co/XfIkPD72pb

— Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King Of You (@Rebecca Schoenkopf, Wonkette Editrix, King Of You) 1587668545.0 

Neck and shoulder discomfort are in fact symptoms of a heart attack, but it's probably not a heart attack. It's definitely not a tumor. She's probably working too hard like the lady in Donna Summer's “She Works Hard For the Money" video that made 9-year-old SER cry. “Why is she working so hard? Why can't they let her DANCE!"

This is why if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE even during the dark times. SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! You could even do our Patreon! I personally tweet A LOT of content and when my wife asks why I tweet so much, I say I tweet hard for Wonkette's money. (I haven't yet, but I will if you kick a little extra our way.)

Please also swing by our virtual Wonkette Flea Market, where you can stock up on Wonkette tees and mugs. Just because the Democratic primary is over, there's no reason you can't also show some love for your favorite former candidates. There's a shot glass for every one who isn't Tulsi. No one's mad any more! Or should be. Maybe some day there'll even be some apparel dedicated to our hero governors navigating us through the COVID-19 crisis.

We're all thrilled to be here, covering this ongoing crap show. You literally give us a reason to get up each morning, and I get up at 5 a.m. Pacific for you guys and won't stop until the cash dries up. But you'll never let that happen because you're awesome. Thanks always and forever for your support.

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