House Republicans Ain't Investigatin' Stolen Trump Docs, What Part Of Hunter Baaah-den You Ain't Get?

Also a Thanksgiving week 'gobble, gobble, motherfucker!' update about Kevin McCarthy.

GOP Rep. James Comer, the Kentucky hayseed cornfuck on track to become chairman of the powerful House Oversight Committee, says it "will not be a priority" in Congress next year to investigate how Donald Trump stole America's most closely guarded secrets, stuffed them way up high into the stickiest parts of his armpits, and took them back to Mar-a-Lago so he could hide them under Don Jr.'s spare swim trunks and floaties in the storage shed by the swimming pool.

You know, in case you were thinking Comer might make that a priority. Sorry, Charlie. He doesn't care about that. He told CNN he doesn't "get involved in a lot of the drama from the last administration.”

What drama does he get involved in, then?

Well, as he heavily breathed to reporters the other day, CAN WE KEEP THIS FOCUSED ON HUNTER BAAAAAH-DEN? HE WON' TALK 'BOUT HUNTER BAAAAAH-DEN! THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL, WE THINK! IT'S HUNTER BAAAAAH-DEN! 

“Comer doesn't want to talk about anything but Hunter Biden”

— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1668698666 

It's relevant because Oversight has an ongoing investigation into Trump's stolen state secrets. So, much as we imagine that the House January 6 Select Committee investigation into the Trump-incited terrorist attack against America will be replaced by a committee to investigate the psychic QAnon visions Marjorie Taylor Greene divines in her fart clouds, Oversight's current investigations will morph into ... something else. Probably an investigation into the investigation into Trump's stolen state secrets!

All this leads us into a quick Thanksgiving week update on how little maybe-incoming-Speaker Kevin McCarthy has to be thankful for this year. His good brain? Haha. His face? Nothing to write home about. His loyalty from House Republicans, which will definitely assuredly end with him being speaker of the House? Yeah, still bad news.

Moderate House Republicans are whispering to Politico that they are not enthused about the idea of Comer and his fellow idiot Jim Jordan, who will run the Judiciary Committee, doing their paste-eating grandstanding investigations into whatever omens about Hunter Biden they read in the squirrel turds they find on the National Mall. Especially those House Republicans who represent districts Joe Biden won. It's a number of them, perhaps 16 to 18 by the time all the votes are done being counted.

Those people also do not want to be associated with the impeachment investigations Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to start. How embarrassing.

It makes sense, since not even three out of 10 Americans want to see Hunter Biden investigations, or impeachment investigations, which means literally all normal Americans are about to try to start tuning out these dumb hillbilly Republican congressional rednecks. Nobody gives a fuck. 

So here comes Kevin McCarthy, trying to pretend he's going to throw red meat to the House Clownfucking Caucus by kicking Eric Swalwell, Adam Schiff, and Ilhan Omar off their committees. And the loons are barking at him about canceling aid to Ukraine, but from the sounds of more grownup Republicans interviewed this week at the Halifax International Security Forum, both from the House and the Senate, Ukraine's gonna get the money Joe Biden asks for.

So how does McCarthy pull all these competing factions together into something that resembles a governing caucus that will vote to make him speaker? According to Tara Palmeri at Puck News, the Republicans she's talking to are saying McCarthy only has about a 50 percent chance of becoming speaker at this point, with those odds dropping every day. So maybe the answer is that he doesn't .

And what would happen then? Could there really be a scenario where moderate Republicans team up with Democrats to find a speaker they can all live with whose name isn't Kevin McCarthy and who won't even authorize one million Hunter Biden investigations?

We'd say it's unlikely, but never underestimate the capacity of today's Republicans to be just monumental fuckups.

Happy Thanksgiving, Kevin McCarthy! Gobble gobble, motherfucker!

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