Jim Jordan's Thousand Page Manifesto Just Reads 'All Work And No Play Makes Hunter Biden A Dull Boy'

Also: mad the FBI is arresting terrorists.

Today, Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee published their 1,050-page plan for 2023 should their party take back Congress next week. If Americans will just hand Jim Jordan the chairmanship of this committee, they promise to devote themselves body and soul to chasing down every last rightwing fever dream about woke libs at the FBI murdering American patriots and snorting coke with Hunter Biden. Forever and ever, Amen .

Actually, it's 50 pages, plus a 17-page bibliography, and 983 pages of reprinted congressional correspondence, including 94 copies of the same five-page letter sent to all US Attorneys. And, yeah, the margins are generous and it's got links to the Joe Rogan show, the Daily Signal, and Breitbart. Wouldn't want to strain yourself when you're whipping up your closing pitch for the midterms!

The Republican staff report, denominated "FBI Whistleblowers: What Their Disclosures Indicate About the Politicization of the FBI and Justice Department," is a heady mix of 8chan conspiracies and Rudy Giuliani's freestyle ranting about the "Biden crime family." Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is some crazy shit. Republicans have actually convinced themselves — or least convinced themselves that it's good politics to pretend, anyway — that the FBI is hotbed of liberalism .

They inveigh against FBI Director Christopher Wray, appointed in 2017 by one Donald J. Trump, who "began at the FBI in the wake of James Comey’s disastrous tenure, when the Bureau’s Washington leadership used the power of federal law enforcement to attack President Donald Trump and his campaign."

"Wray had an opportunity to clean up the leadership culture at the FBI, to end the politicization, and to restore trust and integrity in the FBI’s mission," they intone ominously. "By any objective measure, Wray has failed."

And it's not just the FBI Director, but the Attorney General, too.

"Under the malevolent leadership of Merrick Garland, however, the FBI and Justice Department has been a willing participant of the Biden Administration’s weaponization of law enforcement," these brave politicians complain. Why is the DOJ engaged in "protection of anti-life activists [which] borders on thuggish," while failing to "support state or federal laws protecting the sanctity of life"?

How dare the FBI investigate concerned parents who do nothing more than threaten teachers and school administrators? When they should be investigating ...

... can you guess???

LOL, of course you can!

On October 14, 2020, the New York Post published a report detailing how Hunter Biden used the position and influence of his father, now-President Joe Biden, for personal gain with the apparent awareness of President Biden.1 This article raised doubts about President Biden’s earlier denial of ever speaking to his son about his international business dealings.2 The Post reported on an email in which a Ukrainian businessman urged Hunter Biden to “use [his] influence to convey a message / signal, etc. to stop what we consider to be politically motivated actions.”3 In another email, the same businessman thanked Hunter Biden for arranging a meeting with his father, calling it “an honor and pleasure.”4 The Post reported that these emails came from a laptop belonging to Hunter Biden that he had abandoned in a Delaware computer shop.

Laptop DRINK! And if you're deep enough in the weeds that you remember who Tony Bobulinskiis, DRINK MORE! Hunter Biden $3.5 million from wife of Moscow mayor, GO HOME, GOP, YOU ARE DRUNK!

Twitter suppressing links to the New York Post 's story five minutes before the election because it contained hacked material in contravention of the site's stated policy? INPEACH!

There's a whole bunch of insane horseshit in there, including a bunch of whoppers about how cooperative poor, saintly Donald Trump was when the National Archives came asking for the return of all those classified documents he was keeping in his pool locker. Why no LOCK HER UPs for Hillary Clinton, HENGHHHHH????

But their main gripe seems to be that the FBI is finally taking domestic violent extremism seriously. Don't they know those people are the GOP's base? How are Republicans supposed to menace politicians if the Democrats insist upon locking up the goon squad?

The report accuses FBI leadership of cooking the stats to make it seem like there's a plague of dangerous extremists across the land. Here's an actual sentence from this piece of garbage report. See if you can spot the slippage!

Instead of hundreds of investigations stemming from a single, black swan incident at the Capitol, FBI and DOJ officials point to significant increases in domestic violent extremism and terrorism around the United States.

Ughhh, it was just that one day that got out of hand. And now they're trying to make this into a whole big thing!

Here's another absolutely real sentence from this insane document:

The FBI appears to have manufactured at least one DVE case: the attempted kidnapping of Governor Gretchen Whitmer.

Those guys were convicted   last week. 

One of the primary "whistleblowers" is a guy who got fired from his job at the FBI because he refused to participate in arrests ofmembers of the Three Percenters militia , or indeed any participants in the Capitol Insurrection because, in his opinion, "some of the people who entered the Capitol committed crimes, but others were innocent." He also claims to have been fired in retaliation for blowing the whistle, even though his termination preceded his report.

Imagine putting this thing out when the Democratic House speaker's husband is still in the hospital after a deranged man spouting MAGA conspiracy theories invaded their home and threatened to break her kneecaps with a hammer!

Viewers of previous seasons of Republican Congress: The Circle Jerks, will recognize this playbook from the 2017-2018 season. These ghouls have even picked out the new Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, designating former Washington Field Office’s Assistant Special Agent in Charge (ASAC) Timothy Thibault and the FBI’s former Assistant Director of the Counterterrorism Division Jill Sanborn as the liberal masterminds of a dastardly plot to "move cases into the DVE category to hit self-created performance metrics."

It's gross. It's coming. Please vote!

[ House Report ]

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