Joe Manchin Says He Doesn't Hunt People With Gun, Just Stacks of Paper

Sen. Joe Manchin saw some Republican candidates in the midterms using heated rhetoric about using their guns on people, so he decided he had to do it too. So he went hunting for a wild cap-and-trade bill on some coon trail and shot it in slow motion with his sexy shotgun. Did he field dress it? Did he eat it raw, or did he cook it or make it into jerky? Did he "use the whole animal," Indian-style? We don't know, because the commercial is only 30 seconds. But Joe Manchin needs us to know that he would never actually kill somebody. "I have never targeted an individual, and I never would," he said. Joe Manchin just wants to murder the environment, not you .

“I've spent my whole career bringing people together, avoiding the rancor of partisan politics, and that will continue to be the focus of my work as U.S. Senator going forward. The act of a deranged madman who commits a horrific act should not and cannot be confused with a metaphor about a piece of legislation," he said in a statement.

Joe Manchin avoids the rancor of partisan politics by choosing to disappear whenever votes that are actually important happen, you see. And although he gets angry and takes stacks of bills out behind the Capitol on which to take out his murderous intent with a shotgun, he would never harm a political opponent, because he loves all of Jesus' little children.

"Kids, I want you to know that you should never point all of your guns at a human being. You should only use a hunting rifle, and you should only point it at legislation people have invested their hearts in. Then, after you kill it, you should rub its blood all over your body and report back to the mysterious man in the fedora."

Don't worry. Nobody has ever been inspired to do anything by Joe Manchin. [ The Hill ]