John Boehner to Medicare: Drop Dead!

• For a guy who keeps insisting he will impeach the hell out of Obamacare, Weeper of the House John Boehner sure does seem to like it. A LOT. Now that he is 65 years orange, he's eligible for Social Security and Medicare, as his good friend across the aisle and excellent Twitter troll Nancy Pelosi reminded him. You'd think he'd be so grateful to finally be able to opt out of a health insurance system he hates so he can opt in to the taxpayer-funded socialized healthcare system known as Medicare. But no! 

  When asked at a press conference on Tuesday about his health care coverage plans, he paused and laughed.

  “I’ll continue to purchase my expensive health care coverage,” he said in an obvious nod to his Obamacare policy.

  Isn't that SO WEIRD? We remember when Boehner was forced to enroll in the DC Health Exchange, and he whined on his blog, like a total loser, that the person on the phone who wassupposedto be helping him (anddidhelp him, but that's not the point) put him on hold for 35 minutes! That was an outrage because it really cut into his drunken tanning time, and that proved Obamacare sucks. Except for the part where it's actually a really good deal for an old smoking drunk like him. Lucky for John Boehner: If he likes his Obamacare, he can keep it.

•  This lede is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud. Ready? Make sure you're not drinking milk; we are not responsible for it shooting out your nose all over your keyboard.

  Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) has snatched one of the GOP’s young digital stars from likely primary opponent Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas).

  Told you so. And oh, there's more:

  [Vincent] Harris, who led the 2014 digital campaign for Sen. Mitch McConnell, has ties to several potential Republican presidential candidates. He led Mike Huckabee’s digital efforts in the 2008 GOP presidential primaries. In 2012, he handled Cruz’s Senate campaign and also directed online strategy for Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s presidential bid.

  So clearly this guy is pretty damned good at presidential campaigns, huh? But he reallybelievesin Rand Paul's, um, values.

  In an interview Tuesday, Harris said he picked Paul because of the Kentucky Republican’s commitment to a strong 2016 digital campaign – and because they both are alumni of Baylor University.

  “Rand Paul is a forward looking thought leader who is going to put a large emphasis on technology, probably a larger emphasis than any other candidate considering who he is, who his supporters are and his issue stands,” Harris said.

•  Guess Al Gore can suck it:  

  On Tuesday in Buffalo, you could bask in the sun in one place and shiver in a screaming blizzard in another. That's because a massive current of snow had poured off Lake Erie, and was crashing over the region like a sky-high avalanche.

•  This is one of the handiest lists of life hacks you will ever read:

  How to determine if an egg is fresh: do you remember buying the eggs? If you don’t, they probably aren’t fresh. [...]

  Can’t fold a fitted sheet? Don’t worry, nobody can. Unless you are a wizard or something. [...]

  No time to boil water? You must be incredibly busy if you don’t have time for that. I think you might be overextending yourself. Take a look at your schedule and see if there are some things you could re-prioritize. You may be headed for a burn-out.

•  Here's another handy list:  

  

  
   Yes, those are the Senate Democrats who voted with Republicans on Tuesday to lay down that damned Keystone XL pipeline already, aka, the Mary Landrieu Career Preservation Act. They needed 60 votes to overcome what's supposed to pass these days for a filibuster, and they fell one vote short. You'll note that a number of the Democrats who wanted to be all bipartisanship-y and/or get some nice fat Big Oil checks are also about to be unemployed come January. Probably a total coincidence. Probably.

•  Awwwwwwwwww:  

  John Smid, the former director of Memphis-based ex-gay ministry Love In Action, has announced his marriage to partner Larry McQueen. The two married in Oklahoma on Sunday, November 16th.

  Smid has been living as an out gay man for several years now, and he's been in a relationship with McQueen for one year. Gay marriage just became legal in Oklahoma last month. The couple live in Paris, Texas, where Smid moved from his Memphis home in the summer of 2013.

• You already know that the Duck Dynasty reality teevee show is being turned into a Las Vegas musical. And yes, we are all very excited about hearing some snappy show tunes about God, guns, and gays. But our pals at Happy Nice Time People managed to get a copy of the script:  

  Phil sashays onto the stage.

  PHIL ROBERTSON:

  This country is vexed, with premarital sex,

  Because the girls keep dropping their drawers.

  Everything’d be keen, if they were married at fourteen,

  Because that’s when they start acting like whores.

  JEP ROBERTSON:

  Um, guys, are we sure about this?

  PHIL ROBERTSON:

  I think you’ll find, I’ll speak my mind.

  I’ll take my finger and wag it.

  The Bible said, who can wed,

  So you can’t get married if you’re a f—

  ALL FOUR SONS:

  DAD!!!