Jon Stewart Returns From Long Weekend, Finds Out We're Going To War Again (Video)

Jon Stewart got back from the Toronto film Festival and found out from cable TV that America's ready to go to war again. So he immediately transitioned to "network anchor war footing" by putting on the largest Old Glory lapel pin possible. He's ready! This time, the bad guys are ISIS, and darn it, they're just the worst:  

What the fuck is wrong with these guys? You just storm into a country like Iraq, uninvited, and destroy the place in the name of implementing your favorite system of governance? These people aren't just terrorists. They're plagiarists!

And we even got the Coalition of the Willing Band back together, plus a special guest ally, Iran, at least until we need to bomb them to stop their nuclear program.

But what about our old terrorist foes, al Qaeda? Won't they feel left out by our infatuation with the new terrorist kids on the rubble-strewn block? Turns out al Qaeda is just yesterday's news, the last big thing, but their brand shouldn't be counted out, either:

What we’ve got here is a classic Coke vs. Pepsi situation. Two globally recognized brands competing for the same key demographic: "Men 18-24… who don’t particularly care for making it to that next demographic.”

Maybe they just need some new marketing tactics, like naming rights for a f'ball stadium? Then again, they may not want to have their name linked to "something as disreputable as professional football right now.”

</p>