Stephanie (deadpan): “I had a bit of a headache. That guy who just walked by handed me this pill and said, ‘TikTok, the roast is done on Wednesday.’ I called Dr. Phillip earlier asking for ibuprofen… but this thing is massive.”
Alta (snatching it, squinting): “Oh, honey, that’s not ibuprofen. That’s ketamine. It’s got that slight smell of the South—slightly sweet, dusty—like a Kentucky horse trainer’s hand. I’m guessing it’s vintage 2023.”
Stephanie (shrugs): “Well, baby, I’ll just break off a piece and take it… but I don’t have anything to drink.”
Alta (producing a jeweled flask like couture): “Here.”
Stephanie (side-eye): “Is this… alcohol?”
Alta (snaps): “Do I look like a hydration influencer? I’m not carrying water.”
Felix (alarmed): “Stephanie, you cannot mix that with alcohol!”
Alta (loftily): “Yes you can. I was friends with John F. Kennedy twenty years ago—but now he’s gone all right-wing and yucky.”
Felix (blinking hard): “Wait—wasn’t he just on TV? He fired all his staff, and then hired a nutritionist, a chiropractor, and his best friend—who, if I remember correctly, is also a clairvoyant, a crystal dealer, a Ouija-board repairman, and a spirit-cent analyst.”
David (finally looking up from his shoes): “You mean the guy who had a worm in his head? On heroin? And the worm died?”
Alta (tilts her head, faux sweet): “David, you’re so precious—like someone I wanna kick. That worm only died because it ran out of brain. Don’t blame the heroin. Even the worm had an addiction.”
David (instantly pivoting to his phone): “Hey Google, can you get me an appointment for a vaccine? Vaccine—vaccine—I hear they’re ending.”
Siri (cutting in, deadpan): “Silly goose. David, you buffet menace, that phone isn’t responding—it’s out of memory. I’ll leave a message on Felix’s phone for you. Maybe email—and text you, too.”
Stephanie (snaps the pill in half, flat as death): “I don’t care what any of you say—I’m just going to swallow it. Because we’re all gonna die.” Made famous by a Republican politician. “We’re all gonna die.” #JoniErnst
Ta, Gary. Joni Ernst is trash. If it weren't for the Rules for Radicals, I'd suggest she take those breadbags and put them over her head. But we have rules, so I shan't.
The latest PPP poll has Joni Ernst way underwater, enough that she'd be fighting an uphill battle in both the primary AND the general. And she has never been terribly popular as a Senator, being one of the few who lost ground from her first race, doing even worse in her re-election bid.
Frankly, Iowa looks like it might be a pickup opportunity for us. Trump's shit is gonna hit them harder and sooner than most of the country, and there isn't much of a city vote to suppress. But remember, if you donate here, do it directly, the DSCC and their fundraisers are not trustworthy.
Maybe Ernst will spend the rest of her Senate term being a gadfly up JD ("Just Dance") Vance's ass and/or Trump's for the days or weeks he has before he meets his lover in person.
On that subject, does Satan have the authority to kick someone out of Hell? Like, send some wussy coward to Valhalla for some edumacation in the manly arts?
Yes Gary, JoniE is going back to the farm she loves to live and work. There is nothing that would make our industrious senator more happy than separating a pig from its balls back on the farm.
Or taking long walks in the cemetery making gotcha videos. Or maybe screwing some generals. She is that committed!
What Republican party did She belong to that made Her think She could be in leadership or given a top cabinet post? I can see a hundred red flags to those plans. Okay well really just the one red flag. Joni, may I call you Joni? why don't you go make the guys a sandwich and settle back into doing what you’re told. Sheesh, Broads these days Amirite?
“We’re all gonna die.”
The Republican Party has had better days.
Felix: “Stephanie, what are you even taking?”
Stephanie (deadpan): “I had a bit of a headache. That guy who just walked by handed me this pill and said, ‘TikTok, the roast is done on Wednesday.’ I called Dr. Phillip earlier asking for ibuprofen… but this thing is massive.”
Alta (snatching it, squinting): “Oh, honey, that’s not ibuprofen. That’s ketamine. It’s got that slight smell of the South—slightly sweet, dusty—like a Kentucky horse trainer’s hand. I’m guessing it’s vintage 2023.”
Stephanie (shrugs): “Well, baby, I’ll just break off a piece and take it… but I don’t have anything to drink.”
Alta (producing a jeweled flask like couture): “Here.”
Stephanie (side-eye): “Is this… alcohol?”
Alta (snaps): “Do I look like a hydration influencer? I’m not carrying water.”
Felix (alarmed): “Stephanie, you cannot mix that with alcohol!”
Alta (loftily): “Yes you can. I was friends with John F. Kennedy twenty years ago—but now he’s gone all right-wing and yucky.”
Felix (blinking hard): “Wait—wasn’t he just on TV? He fired all his staff, and then hired a nutritionist, a chiropractor, and his best friend—who, if I remember correctly, is also a clairvoyant, a crystal dealer, a Ouija-board repairman, and a spirit-cent analyst.”
David (finally looking up from his shoes): “You mean the guy who had a worm in his head? On heroin? And the worm died?”
Alta (tilts her head, faux sweet): “David, you’re so precious—like someone I wanna kick. That worm only died because it ran out of brain. Don’t blame the heroin. Even the worm had an addiction.”
David (instantly pivoting to his phone): “Hey Google, can you get me an appointment for a vaccine? Vaccine—vaccine—I hear they’re ending.”
Siri (cutting in, deadpan): “Silly goose. David, you buffet menace, that phone isn’t responding—it’s out of memory. I’ll leave a message on Felix’s phone for you. Maybe email—and text you, too.”
Stephanie (snaps the pill in half, flat as death): “I don’t care what any of you say—I’m just going to swallow it. Because we’re all gonna die.” Made famous by a Republican politician. “We’re all gonna die.” #JoniErnst
#AccidentallySideways
#ScriptComs
She needs to sign the petition for the victims before she leaves.
Ta, Gary. Joni Ernst is trash. If it weren't for the Rules for Radicals, I'd suggest she take those breadbags and put them over her head. But we have rules, so I shan't.
Good riddance.
The latest PPP poll has Joni Ernst way underwater, enough that she'd be fighting an uphill battle in both the primary AND the general. And she has never been terribly popular as a Senator, being one of the few who lost ground from her first race, doing even worse in her re-election bid.
Frankly, Iowa looks like it might be a pickup opportunity for us. Trump's shit is gonna hit them harder and sooner than most of the country, and there isn't much of a city vote to suppress. But remember, if you donate here, do it directly, the DSCC and their fundraisers are not trustworthy.
Maybe Ernst will spend the rest of her Senate term being a gadfly up JD ("Just Dance") Vance's ass and/or Trump's for the days or weeks he has before he meets his lover in person.
On that subject, does Satan have the authority to kick someone out of Hell? Like, send some wussy coward to Valhalla for some edumacation in the manly arts?
Can she vacate now…
Simone de Beauvoir Libelz!
ok being petty and all, but what is it with people who 'smile' with all their teeth gritted like that? sheesh?
She’s now going to work on making people hate her in the private sector.
Won't take long
Yes Gary, JoniE is going back to the farm she loves to live and work. There is nothing that would make our industrious senator more happy than separating a pig from its balls back on the farm.
Or taking long walks in the cemetery making gotcha videos. Or maybe screwing some generals. She is that committed!
Ohhh, Justice Bradley has been in the mudpit with a mace herself. She can shut the fuck up about vicious partisanship.
What Republican party did She belong to that made Her think She could be in leadership or given a top cabinet post? I can see a hundred red flags to those plans. Okay well really just the one red flag. Joni, may I call you Joni? why don't you go make the guys a sandwich and settle back into doing what you’re told. Sheesh, Broads these days Amirite?
Truth.
Republicans as they are today will crumple with Jabba. Can’t wait to see it!
Cancel her health insurance. “We’re all going to die.”