Justice Department Says It's Cool For Meatball McDumb To Be Acting Attorney General, So All Y'all Can STFU
It was probably his magic toilet that keeps even super long penises dry that won DoJ over.
The Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel, after the fact and amid much controversy, has released a statement assessing that Matthew Whitaker, literally the biggest fucking idiot in the world this side of Donald Trump, whose very nomination may be unconstitutional according to such legal brains as former solicitor general Neal Katyal and possibly soon-to-be-former Kellyanne Conway's husband George, is "unquestionably" qualified to lead the departrment, even without Senate confirmation. In making this argument, DoJ explained how the Vacancies Reform Act doesn't mean what all these other legal scholars think it means, and that senior staffers such as Whitaker are totally valid choices.
DoJ rejects the argument that "principal officers," i.e. those who only answer to the president, must only and always be subject to Senate confirmation, saying that doesn't count if somebody is only playing a "principal officer" on TV, like Whitaker is:
"Although an attorney general is a principal officer requiring Senate confirmation, someone who temporarily performs his duties is not," the opinion stated. "As all three branches of government have long recognized, the president may designate an acting official to perform the duties of vacant principal office, including a Cabinet office, even when the acting official has not been confirmed by the Senate."
DoJ also says this has totally happened before, in 1866, when this General J. Hubley Abston was acting attorney general for half a Scaramucci and nobody made a stinky about it then, so STFU about it now. Maybe Meatball McDumb should put a framed pic of old Hubley on his wall, for inspiration.
Here is what the report from the OLC does not say:
The Justice opinion did not address any issues related to recusal or whether Whitaker's authority is limited in any way.
So get ready for Republican asshole liars to go on Fox News and say the exact opposite of that.
We are curious what won OLC over to this interpretation of the law, when so many are arguing the opposite. News reports continue to come out about what a swell guy Meatball McDumb really is, so maybe it's one of those things.
Is it because he's constantly weighed in on how if HE was the boss of the Robert Mueller fake news witch hunt, he would find clever ways to kill it with his meatball paws? Oh that's right, DoJ didn't address recusal issues.
Is it because he thinks one of the touchstones of our democracy, the Marbury v. Madison Supreme Court case of 1803 that established judicial review, was decided poorly ? No, the DoJ didn't examine the question of "is dude a dipshit."
Is it because he believes judges should have to pass religious tests to prove they love Jesus many bunches?
Is it because of that time a company he ran in Iowa defaulted on a $700,000 construction loan on a taxpayer-funded project and failed to pay contractors, and when he got sued for it, he hid from process servers under his bed? Because that seems like an eensy bit of an ethics issue to us, possibly even something that might put his security clearance in danger.
Is it because he was on the board of a scammy scummy fraud-y invention investment company called World Patent Marketing that scummily scammed people, including veterans, out of their life savings, and is now under investigation by the FBI?
For instance, maybe DoJ was just really impressed with how World Patent Marketing argued that DNA has proven the existence of Bigfoot, because that's just obviously #science.
Maybe it's the video scammy scummy World Patent Marketing put out extolling the virtues of fellow shitty scammy scummy businessman Donald Trump, because of how they are all total con-men.
OH WAIT, WE KNOW WHAT IT IS.
As Dana Milbank explains at the Washington Post , World Patent Marketing, while Whitaker was on the board, heralded the invention of (finally!) a toilet that won't make your peen wet if you have a very long peen. Some people save the whales, others cure cancer, but Matt Whitaker's company was dick deep in the physical challenge of making sure the longest dicks among us don't end up wading in the kiddie pool every time Big Daddy takes a dump. Here, learn about the Masculine Toilet, because that is what it is really called:
Changing the shape of the current toilet system is only half of the equation. The second half of the equation involves changing both (a) the height of the rim (which needs to be increased), and (b) the surface of the water level (which needs to be decreased). This will prevent contact with the water [and its contents] itself, whereas the first solution only prevents contact with the porcelain. The distance between the rim and the water surface needs to be long enough to ensure there is no risk of contact. The average male genitalia is between 5" and 6". However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that. I estimate that a 12" distance is adequate enough for most well-endowed men, though I would not be surprised if there are cases who need a greater distance. Nevertheless, for the time being, this is a good starting point. An "extra long" [XL] version can always be created if needed.
"Hey guess what? Derek is PACKING HEAT!"
"He has a gun?"
"No, I used the bathroom at his house and I fell into a sinkhole because he has the MASCULINE TOILET. I think I broke my pelvis! Or maybe DEREK broke my pelvis!"
"YOU LUCKY FUCK!"
This is probably a conversation that happens a lot in America because of Matthew Whitaker's contributions to society.
Maybe DoJ was just impressed that, as Milbank reports, back in 2003 Whitaker listed a personal injury lawsuit as one of the "most significant cases" he had ever used his lawyerin' skills on.
Oh hey maybe it's because of all the steroids. No, hear us out! We have been making jokes and calling Whitaker "Meatball" and saying he maybe is totally 'roided out, but look what happened when the Federal Trade Commission raided World Patent Marketing's Florida offices:
A photo places him in the Florida offices where "there were always handsome, 'well built' guys coming and going," according to an FTC filing , and which overlooked a "full nudity" strip club called Tootsie's Cabaret. When the FTC searched the Florida offices, it found 115 prescriptions, "primarily for testosterone and syringes."
Of course. Why wouldn't they have found a shitload of testosterone prescriptions at the offices of the company where the acting attorney general of the United States used to be on the advisory board, which was just across from "Tootsie's," where the ladies are guaranteed to be all the way naked?
Yep, we're stickin' with "Meatball." It is his name now, because he is that much of an unfuckable douchebag moron.
[ USA Today ]
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