Justice Department Won't Throw Obama In Jail For Doing IRS-Ghazi To Teabaggers

They're gonna need their teddies, their blankies and a nap.

In another stunning defeat for the Republican Party, President Obama's jackbooted thugs at the Department of Justice announced BREAKING NEWS that they have finished their two-year investigation into the sad tea-flavored tears of conservatives accusing the IRS of doing war crimes to the tea party, and concluded NOPE!

"We found no evidence that any IRS official acted based on political, discriminatory, corrupt, or other inappropriate motives that would support a criminal prosecution," Assistant Attorney General Peter Kadzik said in the letter. "We also found no evidence that any official involved in the handling of tax-exempt applications or IRS leadership attempted to obstruct justice. Based on the evidence developed in this investigation and the recommendation of experienced career prosecutors and supervising attorneys at the department, we are closing our investigation and will not seek any criminal charges."

Awwww. And just as conservatives had finished wiping their bloodshot eyes because the WHO WILL BE THE HOUSE SPEAKER OF US NOW?!?! chaos has, maybe, come to an end. Now they're gonna have to bawl their brains out because, contrary to their conspiracy theories, the IRS, while inept, is not a criminal enterprise set on destroying the Taxed Enough Already dickbags who like to do old-timey cosplay when they're not jerking off to Megyn Kelly's bleeding wherever on Fox "News."

In case you got BORED NOW with this particular conspiracy theorygate years ago and have completely forgotten what the big BOO HOO was about, a quick recap:  Teabaggers were certain the IRS was deliberately and criminally infringing their First Amendment right to receive tax-exempt status for their non-profits, by taking its sweet time doing paperwork, and making sure the teabagger non-profits were actual non-profits, like how the IRS does because it's the IRS. And, they believed, the IRSonly took its sweet time with teabaggers, but let all the dirty liberal hippies breeze right through the process without any scrutiny whatsoever.

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Naturally, it was the complete opposite of that, and investigations showed the IRS did more scrutinizing of liberal groups, ACTUALLY. Surprise! Unless, of course, you are not a wingnut teabagging A Idiot, in which case, no, you are not the remotes bit surprised at all.

And now it's all over, and the DOJ is done looking into this bullshit that we all figured was bullshit, but now we know for sure.

Poor dumb bastard conservatives. (Shut up, Bristol, we're not talking about your kids. This time.) Every single one of their conspiracy theories is falling apart right before their very eyes. At this rate, they should probably go back to the golden oldie of how Obama was born in the far-off distant Muslim socialist land of Hawaii and demand to see his birth certificate again.

Sure, that one was debunked years ago too, but what the hell -- we love reliving the moment when Obama whipped it out and shoved it right down their throats.

[ CNN ]