Keep Fucking That Dairy Cow, Devin Nunes!

You guys are not going to believe this, but Devin Nunes, the dairy farmer who may or may not have fucked his brain right out his own head during a particularly romantic night with his favorite cow (allegedly, how would we know?), is not done obstructing justice in the Russia investigation. Yes, even though he has shut down the make-believe dog-and-pony show that was the House Intelligence Committee's "investigation" into Trump and Russia, he is not done running interference, in the hopes that he can keep the real truth about his real dad Donald Trump and his other real dad Vladimir Putin (so cute when two guys adopt an ugly baby together and name it "Devin Nunes"!) from ever coming out.

So it is that Nunes has fired off a letter to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and FBI Director Chris Wray, DEMANDING that they provide unto him an unredacted version of the electronic communication (EC) that kicked off the Russia investigation, the one what said Trump campaign "coffee boy" George Derp-a-Potamus had gotten drunk and blabbed to an Australian diplomat that he had gotten a super sexxxy secret preview of how Russia was going to fuck Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election, and thus help Donald Trump steal America.

You see, Fucking Devin has some SUSPICIONS. And according to his letter, Fucking Devin is not concerned about the "supposed sensitivity" of the document, because the SUSPICIONS what live up inside the cavity full of dust and cow fantasies (allegedly) Fucking Devin calls his brain OUTRANK whatever good and patriotic reasons the FBI and DOJ might have for only releasing a redacted version to Fucking Devin. (Maybe they are worried Devin Nunes will immediately take it and leak it to Sean Hannity, COULD THAT BE WHAT THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT?)

Fucking Devin, for his part, knows the REAL LEAKER is not he, himself, but the FBI LEAKERS who told the New York Times how the Trump-Russia FBI investigation really started, which really made boom boom all over Fucking Devin's attempts to lie about how the investigation got started, by blaming it on THE DOSSIER. Unfair to expose Fucking Devin's lies like that!

So yes, Fucking Devin is going to need to see an unredacted copy of this so-called "document," if "document" is even its real name.

And you know what? We have questions too!

For instance, what does FUCKING DEVIN think he's going to find in the unredacted version? Whole sections that start like "DON'T TELL INVESTIGATIVE GENIUS DEVIN NUNES THIS, but we are only starting this investigation because we are in CAHOOTS WITH HILLARY CLINTON to buy a DODGY DOSSIER full of FAKE FACTS"? Does he think there will be naked pictures of those sexting FBI agents Fox News can't stop having ass blow-outs about?

WHAT THE FUCK, DEVIN? WE KNOW YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN LOUIE GOHMERT, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS IN THERE, DEVIN? ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU ACTUALLY DON'T BELIEVE THE TRUMP-RUSSIA INVESTIGATION REALLY STARTED BECAUSE SOMEBODY ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN NAMED GEORGE SMURF-A-LOTTA-PUSS WAS LITERALLY BRAGGING ABOUT INSIDE KNOWLEDGE HE HAD ABOUT HOW RUSSIA WAS GOING TO FUCK THE ELECTION IN DONALD TRUMP'S FAVOR?

Or on the other hand, FUCKING DEVIN, next question!

Do you actually know that every bit of that is true, and this is just you being an anti-American traitor again, like you've been this whole time? It's always the question about you, isn't it, FUCKING DEVIN?

"At any given time, is FUCKING DEVIN motivated by doing light treasons for Trump and Putin, or is he motivated by how he's real fuckin' stupid because the last two brain cells he had fucked themselves to death while he was balls deep in a dairy cow, ALLEGEDLY? Or is it both? ALLEGEDLY?!"

That's the question Wonkette usually has, ALLEGEDLY.

This fuckin' dumbass right here, my God.

Anyway, y'all better recognize that Devin Nunes ain't ever gonna stop with this shit. If he can't find a reasonable way to get the document he wants by stomping his feet and clapping his hands, his letter says he's going to sue in federal court! And when he loses there, Fucking Devin will take the FBI to Judge Hatchett and Judge Judy and maybe even Judge Marilyn Milian, until he finds somebody who will look at the FBI and say, "You wrong for that, FBI! You are ordered to pay 500 dollars and hand over the unredacted letter and say you are VERY SORRY to Devin Nunes, for being mean to him! Also, FBI agents are no longer allowed to make water cooler jokes about how Devin Nunes is probably what happens when mothers drop babies on their heads on purpose, because we are pretty sure they do that a lot. RULING IN FAVOR OF DEVIN! GAVEL GAVEL BANG BANG!"

Wonkette 'bout to sue Devin Nunes for wasting our time writing this post, that's what the fuck is about to happen.

Here, read Fucking Devin's full letter, if you like reading stuff that makes you stupider.

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[ Devin Nunes's Very Dumb Letter ]