Kevin McCarthy Went To The White House And He Met A Lady With 200 Boobies And Then She Kissed Him!
Fantasy fiction.
As we discussed when the Wall Street Journal’s Annie Linskey published her mash note to Fox News about how Joe Biden’s brain is deteriorating, former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy has said in the past that, contra all that noise, Biden is actually an extremely sharp and prepared negotiator, that the noise simply isn’t true.
Of course, McCarthy was behind closed doors when he said those things, where his preening ass didn’t feel the need to try to look cool in front of anybody. He said very different things to the WSJ, now that he’s lost his speakership because he couldn’t win a fight against Matt Gaetz, now that he’s left the House in embarrassment, now that he’s outside desperately looking for a way back in. He’s like a little boy who got locked in the backyard in the rain during a birthday party, and nobody will let him back in because nobody really liked him anyway, and besides it’s not his party.
So he has no choice but to beclown himself further.
Last night McCarthy sat with human windowless van Jesse Watters and spun a fantastical tale of obvious bullshit about his visits to the White House.
McCARTHY: He’d always go with the cards, right? So what I learned early on, he has to read from them, and once he starts reading, I’d always interject! And then he didn’t know what to do, and he would stumble, and then he would close it and just stop! And then Kamala would have to start talking! So it was a play I used every time!
It was a play he used every time! Kevin had a play! Because he’s a clever boy!
McCARTHY: There was one time we were sitting there, and he’s taking us on a tour, then all of a sudden he goes, “Do you wanna go out to the pool?”
WATTERS: What?!
What?!
McCARTHY: Yes! And then Jill’s on the other side of the table with me, she goes, “No! They don’t want to go out!” He goes, “You DON’T want to go out?” Then he opens the door and he walks, it’s wintertime! And he walks us down to the swimming pool into the changing room!
And that was when Kevin McCarthy realized they were all naked.
WATTERS: What?!
McCARTHY: Yes!
WONKETTE: Yes!
McCARTHY: And then we walk back up, and he’s created this room outside of the Oval Office to be a little office for him! Now, President Trump had it as a gift shop. Clinton used it for something else. But he’s made it a little office for himself like 10 feet from the Oval Office! Why?!
A little room!
Now, the Oval Office has always had a little study and dining room off of it, which presidents have always used for more informal things, but Fox News viewers don’t have access to modern conveniences like Wikipedia to learn that.
Frankly, we’re at a loss as to “President Trump had it as a gift shop,” which surely we would have heard by now if it were true, and also does anyone for even a second doubt that it is? Melania’s NFTs, a few of your classier Jon McNaughtons, and shit from the commissary, marked up 3000 percent and payable directly to Donald J. Trump.
WATTERS: Like a little mini-office! Not the grand Oval Office, like a cubbyhole!
Ha ha!
McCARTHY: Between you and I! And it’s all it does it have a little desk in there. And then it has one of those valets, and when I walked in, it had a blue dress shirt all wrinkled! Like, when does a president take his shirt off in there?
WATTERS: He’s taking his SHIRT OFF in the OVAL?
Ha ha! Joe Biden changed clothes, in the private room next to his office! Ha ha!
McCARTHY: No, but why didn’t they clean it up? I don’t know where he’s changing, and then we come walking back in, I”m thinking, please don’t show this to any other world leader!
Um, so that was a cool story from Kevin McCarthy that had a point, and that he certainly didn’t make up on the fly, especially considering his giddy conspiratorial tone of voice.
Jesse Watters responded that he “can’t believe” Joe Biden showed Kevin McCarthy all these things, and that was the day Jesse Watters accidentally became a real journalist, but the pigfucking viewers at home didn’t notice because they were busy eating all the rabid red meat McCarthy had just thrown at them.
The end.
[clip via Aaron Rupar]
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As always, I remain gobsmacked that all these people genuflect and debase themselves before DONALD TRUMP. THAT guy. The illiterate grifting loser wannabe mobster with the fake orange spray tan and extra large fupa and the shellacked combover and the IQ of a goldfish. THAT guy is their god king. Goddamn. If I felt like worshiping a mortal man as a God, currying favor I know could be taken away at any moment due to some capricious whim, I'd at least choose, like...Idris Elba or Jason Momoa.
“human windowless van Jesse Watters”
Succinct, poetic, accurate.