Kill Us Now: Axios's Mike Allen And Mitch McConnell Have An Event

The Face of The Republican Party

Mitch McConnell sucks. He sucks to look at, he sucks to listen to. But he is the boss man Majority Leader (for at least another 320 days) of a Senate that is actively trying to kill us all, so when he says words we have to be bold like a hot pink handcuff shirt stretched over Wyatt Koch's girth , and listen.

In an egregious example of branding hyperbole, Axios held what they called "An Event!" today: Axios Co-Founder/CEO Mike Allen talking to Senators Mark Warner (D-VA) and then Mitch McConnell (R-fuck the poor, KY) on C-Span2 , at 8am, (EST) on a Thursday.

We watched this, so you don't have to, unless you are an insomniac -- because if you have trouble sleeping, maybe give this interview a try. Mitch McConnell's voice for 30 minutes in a row is both sonorous and hypnotizingly boring in a way that might help better than Ambien, even if you still end up binge eating a whole bucket of KFC in a fugue state afterwards.

Mitch explained that he would've loved to have had Democratic (yes, he actually said it right, which we can only assume was a slip because he is 75 years old and forgets to be shitty about saying Democ rat in that way sometimes) support on the tax bill, but since what most Dems want is the exact opposite of massive tax cuts for rich assholes, they "weren't even close" to being able to work with those people: "The Democratic party today, it seems to me, is largely driven by the rhetoric of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren."

We all know how Mitch McConnell feels about Liz and her inability to hear good and sit down like a lady when Mitch McConnell says so. Oddly, Sen. McConnell did not reiterate Sarah Huckabee Sanders's ridiculous poot-lipped lie that the Republicans had been super sweet and sent engraved invitations to each Democrat to please participate in their bill writin' slash pie makin' contest.

Mitch also went and made a funny, saying that the $1300 in tax cuts that an imaginary poor woman gets (allegedly) may be "one trip to Costco for people in Washington" but it is a lot of money to the paupers upon whom this has been bestowed, and he wants to run ads to to "hit" Dems (with votes!) on this point. Hopefully he will include that bit about Costco.

When Mike Allen asked Mitch about Steve Bannon , things got super circular, because what can Mitch say about a man who got the RNC and GOP -- including Mitch McConnell after some hemming and hawing -- to get behind an accused pervert mall predator?

Senate Majority Leader Mtich [sic] McConnell said on Thursday that he will oppose candidates "who have no chance to win," like those floated by Steve Bannon. When pressed by Axios' Mike Allen, McConnell said he had "nothing to say" and "no observations" about Bannon.

Why it matters: McConnell said that in order to make a difference in an election, "you have to run a candidate who can win." He said that Republicans will win out over outside forces and candidates by opposing them as they did 2014 and 2016.

Steve Bannon?

Mitch also says that the Gorsuch nomination, not the tax vote, was the highlight of his year, because "I had been involved in not filling that vacancy during the campaign," because if anything makes Mitch McConnell's whole year, it's the culmination of violating the Constitution in order to personally put Barack Obama in his rightful place one last time. 

Mitch also got tickled when Mike asked him if he thought some of that knob-slobbing fealty proclaimed at the foot of Dear Leader Trump yesterday went "a little over the top" and Mitch laughed shrilly and said "You know I'm not going to answer that," because if McConnell had said "Yeah that shit was ridiculous and embarrassing" Trump would probably start mean-tweeting about him again and stop calling him at "odd hours...all of the time."

Probably the most hopeful thing Mitch said in this longest 30 minute interview ever was a blow to Paul Ryan's hopes and dreams for 2018 , wherein Mitch said he doesn't think that the Democrats are going to be interested in doing any "entitlement reform" and for some reason he thinks he needs Dems to do that. So finally getting to kick Grandma off that cliff and dismantling the social safety nets will not happen, or at least Mitch doesn't "plan to bring it up" -- because the Dems have become nothing but a big old bunch of obstructionists, even though Mitch can't possibly imagine where those sort of tactics even come from or who would engage in such partisan obstructionism, including, for example, confirming judicial appointments fairly.

Also, and not in the interview but in an article by Politico , Mitch McConnell also says that he will "allow" a DACA vote on immigration:

If negotiators reach an agreement on these matters by the end of January, I will bring it to the Senate floor for a free-standing vote, he said. I encourage those working on such legislation to develop a compromise that can be widely supported by both political parties and actually become law.

So yeah, you 800,000 Dreamers who may or may not be sent to a country you've not lived in or probably even been to since you were a small child, all you gotta do is hope like hell that the man who just said repeatedly in an interview that two parties, who don't know how to do a damn thing to get things done together ever, comes to an agreement in a month on one of the most inflammatory issues of present day American politics and works something out for you.

One third of the senate is up for reelection every two years, and in 2018 there will be eight Republican seats out of the 33 who will either be on the ballot, or have to be replaced because of a sex scandal (allegedly) . So probably get ready, stay active even though it is hard and depressing and shitty, and vote your asses off to get these asses out. And for God's sake do something so that we don't all die, or have to watch Sen. Mitch McConnell do "events" like this ever again.

 [CSPAN]