Kinky Shit

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn't. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her .

This week: the numbers game. And sex, sex, sex. You sickos.

What percentage of congress people have slept with their staff? Will you name some?

and

So how many young hot girls actually do screw their bosses on the Hill? 1 in 4, 1 in 5?

So, this is the most common question I seem to get in my Inbox these days... Which, how would I know (except insofar as they're not trying to get any lobbyist ass that I know of)? I'm not a Hill staffer anymore, so I'm not as tied in to the who's-fucking-who gossip these days.

That said, there are two types of staff-fucking Members these days. There are the ones that fuck their own, as in the golden ages of yore. These ones are more of the Newt Gingrich / Henry Hyde school of thought in which you don't have to go very far out of your way to get some ass, probably enjoy the daily contact/power differential aspect of it all and have safe enough districts that if you get caught, no biggie. It's as creepy as it is in the private sector, like when the boss is banging his secretary, but it's definitely still practiced.

The other variety of staff-fuckers are the ones that go after other people's staff, in the same way that a VP from legal might hit on the women in the accounting department. Some are married, some are not and, in my opinion, it's all way less sketchy than shitting where you eat. It's also way easier to say no without consequences. In my experience, these types tend to be Democrats, by and large (don't ask me why), and it's not an uncommon experience for any Hill staffer that's been there for a while.

That said, I'm going to guess that the big reason I keep getting these questions is either than people are trying to win Larry Flynt's $1 million without actually having to fuck a Congress Member, or that they're trying to figure out if Hill chicks are slutty enough to fuck them, too. If it's the latter... dudes, you're writing into a website to see if there are chicks slutty enough to have sex with you. The answer's probably no, at least until you put the Cheetos down and leave your mom's basement.

If watching the film "Thank you for Smoking" made me want to be a lobbyist, am I a bad person?

Maybe. If you now want to be a lobbyist because it will allow you to be wealthy, get your pretty face on TV, and hang out with people as important as yourself without having to do much work, then, yes. By my count that's at least 4 of the 7 deadly sins - envy, avarice, pride, and sloth. If you just want to be able to drink/smoke/carry guns in the office without anyone hassling you, possibly not- but, I'm not totally sure it's worth becoming a lobbyist for

What advantages do female lobbyists have over males? Vice versa?

Well, if we're talking on average, male lobbyists (especially the older ones) can take male Members out for "friendly" golf and do buddy stuff in a way that few women (even the older ones) can. I mean, what non-lecherous Member is going to consider me an honest-to-goodness (and ethics-rules-compliant) friend given the age/gender difference? So, I'm always at a disadvantage there. And, while one might argue that the reverse would be true for female Members, I'd say that most of the female Members are friends with as least as many men as women because there are so many more men than women in the high levels of politics, so I'm still at a slight disadvantage numbers-wise (and, it's not like we are all going to get pedicures together or something).

On the other hand, in if we're not talking long term advantages, I do tend to stick out in a crowd (and thus be slightly more recognizable) than the average white guy with brown or grey hair (unless we're talking health care policy, which is like 80% women, I swear). Being recognized is an important part of being effective as a lobbyist, because if the Member doesn't recognize and remember you, you're just pissing in the wind if you do get face time (and I'm definitely not into that kind of kinky shit).