542 Comments
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Doktor Zoom's avatar

Sigh. Now that I've had to remind two people, let me clarify that the Rules remain in effect. Yes, the administration is full of ghouls. No, you do not have to say anything nice about them. But we are fucking sivilized around here, so you will also not post your own sick torture fantasies, which will not be seen by their targets, but which *will* steer the tone of this good place toward the toilet, when our minds belong more properly in the gutter.

https://www.wonkette.com/p/kristi-noems-feral-emergency-management

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lordpnut's avatar

Allow me to retort. A: There is no rule six. B: It's not torture fantasy to make one's calculations and then state whom one would rather fight and why, a la FIGHT CLUB. Like so:

"I'd fight Miller. Those bald guys can blind you with a moonbeam. You?"

"Katie Britt. That bitch is a True Believer."

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Goonemeritus's avatar

I'm a dick, I have always been one, I suppose I can pass my comments to my ombudsman prior to hitting Enter.

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The Blessed Reverend's avatar

Our minds may be in the gutter but we are looking at the stars

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Joe Schmoe, Troublemaker's avatar

It's okay to *be* a filthy fuckaduck, just don't *comment* like one.

Show some respect and restraint like a good comrade instead of acting like a questionable, offensive one. HARRUMPH! 🧐

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Karen Krebser's avatar

Maybe Wonkette could set up a "Willful Violence and Sick Torture Fantasies Against Disgusting Ghouls and Other Non-Human Pieces of Shit" cave where those of us who are not ordinarily violent could go and just cut loose with the verbiage because of how awful and rageful and completely beyond civilized we feel after reading some of these blog posts...

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Miss Grundy's avatar

But I can't stop thinking of Cardinal Torquemada and his goon squad......

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blueicebank's avatar

"You can't Torquemada out of anything." -- History of the World

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Fender Deluxe's avatar

Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?

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Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

That has to be one of the most viciously funny things I've ever seen on a movie screen.

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WokeGrandma's avatar

Are you referring to the Mel Brooks movie?

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Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

Yes.

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TootsStansbury 🇺🇦's avatar

“Bring in…the nuns!”

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Mike_Cramer's avatar

You have to wait until he get's back from the Auto-da-fé.

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Mustlovebirds's avatar

Auto-da-fe, what's an auto-da-fe?? It's what you oughtn't do but you do anyway!

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SethTriggs's avatar

May these ghouls find themselves with only bathroom stalls that have questionable flush and only five squares of institutional-grade single ply.

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Zap's avatar

Just like where they’re holding immigrants!

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Joe Schmoe, Troublemaker's avatar

Outstanding suggestion, Lord Seth of Triggs! 🫡

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TalentNotAutotune's avatar

You KNOW they'll ask the person next to them if they can spare a square.

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Kateorite's avatar

Why yes, here, have this pre-owned paper. Reduce, reuse & recycle.

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oscarphile's avatar

They'll take ALL that person's paper and claim they were merely preventing waste and fraud

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TootsStansbury 🇺🇦's avatar

Like the Far Side cartoon where the moment Pinocchio turns into a real boy is right in front of some hungry lions, I simply wish a sudden onset of self-awareness for a lot of these people.

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Richard S's avatar

That's better than what the kidnapping victims have in the ICE gulag.

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SethTriggs's avatar

I'm trying to avoid vomiting and crying at the same time.

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Underdawg23's avatar

You mean I have to stop practicing uppercuts? But, but Steven Miller.

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Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

I've seen him referred to as Stephen Mitler.

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justifiable's avatar

Whoever came up with "Pee Wee German" is a goddamn genius.

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RefillingThorsBeer's avatar

can we pine for legos to magically appear on their hardwood floors in the middle of the night when they get up to pee?

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

That's too mean.

But acceptable in this case.

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Bobathonic's avatar

LEGO

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

"Lego! Le-e-e-e-go!"

-- Harry Belafonte is not here, man.

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Major Kong's avatar

Daylight come and me wanna go home.

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CzechJournalists's avatar

or giving Cricket some of that ReAnimator juice?

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Homero's avatar

Or do that thing like in “Pet Semetery”(or however he spells it)

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CzechJournalists's avatar

"not fair"

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Living in the upside down's avatar

or a burst implant (or two)?

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Chicken ate my Ballot's avatar

* scroll down.. blinks”

Dok! I do believe that our new poster down wind wants to be featured on

“Dear Shit 4 Brains”

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Doktor Zoom's avatar

sorry to be late in getting to that.

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MRK's avatar

I was going to say "that's not a new poster," but then I scrolled down further and saw who you really meant. Some people really don't think, do they?

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Chicken ate my Ballot's avatar

This one seems to definitely be lost,

And still talking…Lort 😳

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MRK's avatar

I notice that both of those who got warnings responded to them, rather than just recognizing they'd overstepped and moving on.

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Chicken ate my Ballot's avatar

Clarifying to say that I’m talking Frank?

That’s a serious potty mouth he has.

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MRK's avatar

No, I knew who you meant. I just had to scroll through the whole thread to see it, so I noticed the other one as well.

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Rooster Cogburn's avatar

Can we imagine them barefoot in a dark room full of LEGOs?

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PuraVida's avatar

Or mousetraps.

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Lionel “8647” Hutz's avatar

"Lego."

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

OMG! You are such a cruel person!

Come sit at my table!

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RefillingThorsBeer's avatar

GMTA....

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Doktor Zoom's avatar

At a minimum!

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gnomemansanisland's avatar

Can euphemisms be used?

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PuraVida's avatar

I've found that using the passive tense or the some people say like orange foolius does will pass the test. Suggested that someone might want to waterboard Elno until he confesses to stealing the election and his methods for doing so. Didn't get the hammer.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

Well, I tried that. Dok's welts heal quite slowly indeed!

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VwllssWndr's avatar

Some days I really wish the people in this regime would suffer a terrible case of euphemisms.

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WokeGrandma's avatar

The permanent cure for a case of euphemism is Euphemnasia.

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42tontom's avatar

*wink, wink*

NO

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Bobathonic's avatar

With votes.

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gnomemansanisland's avatar

I gotchyer euphemism right here, buddy!

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DaveB's avatar

I hope it's in the rules to note that if we'd gone to the Noem farm to bale hay, that we'd have gone uptown for lunch rather than eat her cooking. There's no harsher civil penalty than that.

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Bill Door's avatar

My mind is always in the gutter.

"It can't help it, it's attached to my body." --Trapper John McIntyre

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Trux Mint In Box's avatar

I quote that all the time. Best part is almost anyone under 45 thinks I made it up myself.

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Pauly2coffees's avatar

“We are all in the gutter. Some of us are looking at the stars.”—Oscar Wilde

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TootsStansbury 🇺🇦's avatar

*checks notifications to make sure it wasn’t me this time*

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Carrie Deitzel's avatar

Wow. I worked for a federal agency that did emergency response & what this article reports is a travesty. I had great respect for the response efforts that I witnessed prior to Trump’s first term. There is vast experience & expertise among federal workers, as well as great commitment to their mission, but politics do interfere even in the best of times. Unfortunately, we are now experiencing the worst of times, & government workers are not responsible for the destruction of public services and government agencies

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Megan Macomber's avatar

Act of God. Thoughts and Prayers. Nothing to see here. Time to move on.

Didn't you hear that? It's time to move on. God says so. Move the fuck on.

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Rosemary Orlandi's avatar

Where are the protesters?? I keep reading that people in texass are unhappy, but they continue to elect losers !

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Melanie Sizemore's avatar

HFS. Noem needs to be fired.

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PuraVida's avatar

Out of a 105mm howitzer of votes.

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CzechJournalists's avatar

i'm afraid the cranks and creeps in red rural counties aren't looking for anything like rational explantions or productive solutions. definetly going for weather modification deep state government conspiracy theories instead.

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kmblue187's avatar

Good for Ken.

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SkeptiKC's avatar

[fights to unclench fists in order to use keyboard without breaking anything...]

The bodycount is just going to keep increasing.

Rethuglicon "governance" is a danger to ALL living things.

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Hank Napkin's avatar

A Good Ken from Texas!?! Pan Be Praised!!!!

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Birb-General of the US's avatar

Those rescue helicopters should just bill for their time in 15-minute increments to stay below the $100,000 threshold. That would be 𝘴𝘰 much more efficient.

/s.

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TalentNotAutotune's avatar

There WAS no way to rescue anyone during the time the Guadalupe River was 20 feet over its banks. All roads to the riverside were impassable.

The rescuing needed to be in the form of warnings because once the roads are flooded, you're on your own.

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CzechJournalists's avatar

get to the chopper. . .

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Laura Reich's avatar

I watched Noem on Meet the Press blatantly lie that she and her office had the “ best response ever!” She also said Tom Homan and company were not racially profiling 🙄

I am still amazed that you have an entire administration that never ever takes responsibility for anything and just goes on attack. In their fantasy world they never do anything wrong.

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fair_n_hite_451's avatar

Admitting to being wrong is a fatal weakness for them, therefore it is to be avoided at all costs.

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phantom_stranger's avatar

Imagine if Biden's FEMA had responded to just this disaster in just this way.

I know you're sick of hearing it, but I'm going to keep saying it.

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CzechJournalists's avatar

Kerr county leadership are still blaming them for this one. trust.

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PuraVida's avatar

I can't unsee that line of 20+ old white men standing in their boots and hats at the press conference trying to believe that no one was at fault and the Good Lord works in mysterious ways. Knowing full well that they took the millions given by the Biden admin to install a flash flood warning system and gave to the sheriff for god knows what.

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ᴄᴏɢꜱᴡᴇʟʟ's avatar

At this point you could write an entire 20 volume Encyclopedia Imagine-ifica for Biden and Obama.

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Pauly2coffees's avatar

They complained and criticized his responses to the Hawaiian fires and the North Carolina floods, so we don’t have to imagine how they’d react.

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lmurr's avatar

They would claim he was trying to murder conservatives because Texas didn't vote for him.

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Daniel's avatar

He let them die because they weren't trans.

Then he transed them. He made them Transkensteins, and he was unrepentant.

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Pauly2coffees's avatar

He also forced them to shit in a litter box.

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Daniel's avatar

Misread that as “letter box” and thought “yeah, that sounds like something he’d do”.

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Pauly2coffees's avatar

You reminded me of the Reno 911 episode where somebody shit in the children’s book bin. I almost pissed my pants laughing at that one.

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Mysterysurf's avatar

At what point do people get that we're in a totally different reality and there really aren't any comparisons to be made? It's a losing proposition.

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PuraVida's avatar

We are following the fall of the Roman Empire script only with high tech and media collaboration.

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Pisto75666's avatar

As long as they can avoid blaming Taco and his merry band of cruel losers, that point is never going to come.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

Imagine if Biden did anything that Trump routinely gets away with scot free.

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Pauly2coffees's avatar

Or ANYONE else, frankly.

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MRK's avatar

Shit, remember when the Biden administration responded competently to a train derailing? The media didn't, even when it happened.

Or remember when the Biden administration helped recover from a massive bridge collapse quicker than anyone thought possible? That sure faded quickly.

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Daniel's avatar

That train derailed in East Palestine. I am horrified he could have supported anyone from there. I have yet to hear him condemn Hamas.

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phantom_stranger's avatar

I do remember the train derailment. I remember that the admin called, and were told to STAY AWAY unless asked.

I remember the info graphic going around saying that there had been about a hundred derailments when McConnell's wife was SecTrans, and she did not visit a single one of them.

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Karen Krebser's avatar

EDITING COMMENT TO REMOVE WISHFUL VIOLENCE AGAINST PERPETRATORS OF MALFEASANCE AND INJUSTICE ... *erase* *erase* *erase*

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Pauly2coffees's avatar

Can I say that I wouldn’t bust out bawling if it happened?

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Karen Krebser's avatar

Me neither. There would be zero bawls and also maybe a Leonidas-style "THIS IS SPARTA"-type roar, I'm just saying.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

Be careful now. With votes, of course.

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Karen Krebser's avatar

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I commented before I read Doc's admonition against wishful violence. My entire bad.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

Understood. Have an extra helping of the cake we like.

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Karen Krebser's avatar

YAY! THIS COMMENT IS ALLIE-BROSH GOD-OF-CAKE APPROVED!!

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AIB's avatar

Ah, so when my specialty service station repairs my Saab convertible with parts from junked Saabs, that’s cannibalism? Got it.

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blueicebank's avatar

OT.

"Cancer cells go up in flames—thanks to this deep-sea sugar"

Scientists have discovered a sugar compound from deep-sea bacteria that can destroy cancer cells in a dramatic way. This natural substance, produced by microbes living in the ocean, causes cancer cells to undergo a fiery form of cell death, essentially making them self-destruct. In lab tests and in mice with liver cancer, the compound not only stopped tumors from growing, but also activated the immune system to fight back. This finding could pave the way for entirely new cancer treatments based on sugars from marine organisms.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2025/07/250723045659.htm

"Sugar. Give me sugar." -- Men In Black

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

We need to feed this sugar to the magachuds.

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Teen Laqueefa's avatar

Imagine if cancer were curable!

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Dr. Rrrrrobotnik's avatar

I'm skeptical in the extreme: cancer can be treated and on an individual basis cured, but never totally prevented from returning because it's ultimately caused by entropy itself, the body's own systems inevitably breaking down and turning against itself. People have been saying that a cure for cancer is ten years away for the better part of a century, and anytime someone says that it's near my "scam" detector starts pinging.

That said, I'm hopeful we can find a way that it can be permanently managed, but I'm not holding my breath.

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blueicebank's avatar

Curing cancer is like fusion power: Always 10 years away.

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CzechJournalists's avatar

i did like Kim Stanley Robinson's Mars books. when the telomere hack life extension treatments were being administered, one was encouraged to tan and smoke as cellular damage helped catalyze the process.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

I can imagine a distant future where we invent artificial "nanosomes" that would provide error-correction mechanisms that would prevent cancer. And if that can be done, all manner of things could be done that are impossible now. Do I think this would ever happen? Oh, fuck no! Chuds will have killed us off long before then--they are worse than cancer.

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Dr. Rrrrrobotnik's avatar

An error-free system is unfortunately an impossibility: such a thing doesn't exist in nature. Even the error-correcting mechanism could itself break down, or lead to new and horrifying problems we haven't even thought of yet.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

Entropy in a system can, in principle be halted with the expenditure of energy. The heat will raise the entropy of external things--we can move that heat to the chuds and make them have entropy poisoning instead. We will all become walking refrigerators or something. It might bring the heat death of the universe about a millisecond sooner. {{{Shows off pile of envelopes containing calculations.}}}

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Teen Laqueefa's avatar

A Dr I knew said if you live long enough you'll get cancer.

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Dr. Rrrrrobotnik's avatar

They're right: eventually through time, exposure to radiation/environmental hazards, lifelong habits, or just bad luck, your body's DNA will make an error that leads to cancer. It's unpredictable, but it is inevitable.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

We can't live longer than about 700 years because the radioactive potassium in our bodies will kill us off before that long. Mostly from cancer, I suppose.

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Dr. Rrrrrobotnik's avatar

Honestly, who wants to be 700 anyway? You'd spend the latter 620 years pretty much non-ambulatory and shitting into a box.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

I'm not sure if I want to get to 70. And I'm 66 right now.

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gallbladder's avatar

Can it be put in Coke or ice cream? That might be a way to fake-out RFK Jr.

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CzechJournalists's avatar

maybe Coke and ice cream. much better than root beer floats.

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WokeGrandma's avatar

I haven't had a Coke float or a root beer float in years. It's 95 degrees F. ("feels like 104") in the Boston area today, so I'm mighty tempted.

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

You'd have better luck putting it into a dead baby roadkill bear.

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lmurr's avatar

And whale head juice.

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Androgenous AF's avatar

Now I've got the refrain..' Fish heads, fish heads...eat them up...chum'

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Hamilton & The Crew's avatar

Well, there goes my luncheon plans.

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