Language Is a Virus From Outer Space

• "Patient Zero," a five-year-old Mexican boy who got the H1N1 virus at the beginning of April and then recovered completely, has been found. God knows what the World Health Organization will do to him now -- but chances are your pig/bird flu vaccine will have a little bit of innocent young Edgar Hernandez inside. [ CNN International / New York Times ]

• After all that Bono has done for them, the Supreme Court justices ruled that Bono cannot say "fuck" on live teevee without some sort of penalty. The penalty is anal crucifixion. [ LA Times ]

• The Army dude who approved that Air Force One attack on Manhattan will either lose his job or be anally crucified. [ Washington Post ]

• Today, Barack Obama celebrates his 100th birthday and, coincidentally, the 100th birthday of America. The Centennial will be broadcast on some, but not all, teevee networks tonight, in the form of a Press Conference. It will be Obama's 100th televised press conference, and the 100th anniversary of televised anal crucifixion. [ Reuters ]

• There's a dynamic young Democratic star in the Senate? Have you heard of him? [ New York Times ]

• You know who else is finishing the first hundred days in the White House, today? Michelle Obama! That "Fuck Whitey" video should be released any day now, we bet. [ BBC News ]