Latest SALACIOUS TRUMP GOSSIP From Michael Wolff 100% Fucking True: A Wonkette Fact-Check!

Good Brain.

Thursday morning, Donald Trump's idiot lawyers sent a cease and desist letter to Michael Wolff and his publisher for writing a SALACIOUS BOOK OF LIES about Dear Leader and the neverending shitshow that is his White House. This comes after Trump's idiot lawyers sent a cease and desist letter to Steve Bannon for violating his nondisclosure agreements and hurting Donald Trump's feelings by telling his secrets, which essentially means they're admitting the shit in Wolff's book, or at least a lot of the Bannon shit, is completely true. Legal strategy! Get some!

Of course, Wolff says he has tapes to prove his shit, so LORDY WE HOPE THERE ARE TAPES.

Trump and his lawyers are sure to be successful with their letters and the lawsuits they will never file, so we should pick through the new column from Wolff about his book published in  The Hollywood Reporter  today, before it's deleted from the internet forever! We should also use our powers of discernment to decide whether these claims are true or not, based on wild speculation and also based on our knowledge of Trump.

Let us begin:

"You can't make this shit up," Sean Spicer, soon to be portrayed as the most hapless man in America, muttered to himself after his tortured press briefing on the first day of the new administration, when he was called to justify the president's inaugural crowd numbers — and soon enough, he adopted this as a personal mantra.

POOR SEAN SPICER! He never did look comfortable lying to the American people the way Sarah Huckabee Sanders looks when she lies to the American people. Like, if they make an American Girl doll of Sarah Huckabee Sanders, it will be called "Lying Sarah," and not many little girls will want one. Therefore, WONKETTE FACTCHECK: PROBABLY TRUE.

Kellyanne Conway, who would put a finger-gun to her head in private about Trump's public comments, continued to mount an implacable defense on cable television, until she was pulled off the air by others in the White House who, however much the president enjoyed her, found her militancy idiotic.

Yep, we believe that one too. According to the "Morning Joe" kids, Conway has been known to say "Blech, I need to take a shower" after finishing TV segments spewing #AlternativeFacts for the president, so WONKETTE FACTCHECK: YEAH PROBABLY DUH.

There's a thing in the latest excerpt about how Trump staffer Sam Nunberg is known for saying Trump is a "fucking fool," and Wonkette can factcheck that one too, by confirming that Trump is indeed a fucking fool. If Sam Nunberg has a working brain in his head -- he's the one who reportedly tried to explain "Constitution" to Trump but couldn't get the baby to pay attention -- he probably said that.

Moving on:

Here was a man singularly focused on his own needs for instant gratification, be that a hamburger, a segment on Fox & Friends or an Oval Office photo opp. "I want a win. I want a win. Where's my win?" he would regularly declaim. He was, in words used by almost every member of the senior staff on repeated occasions, "like a child."

Factcheck true, he is definitely a big fucking baby.

"What a fucking moron," said [Rupert] Murdoch after one call.

Factcheck true, Trump is definitely a fucking moron. Rex Tillerson and H.R. McMaster agree! On that note:

For Rex Tillerson, he was a moron. For Gary Cohn, he was dumb as shit. For H.R. McMaster, he was a hopeless idiot. For Steve Bannon, he had lost his mind.

Golly, nothing Michael Wolff is saying is any different from EVERY OTHER GODDAMN THING WE HAVE HEARD SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.

And regarding the matter of Trump's Very Good Brain:

Everybody was painfully aware of the increasing pace of his repetitions. It used to be inside of 30 minutes he'd repeat, word-for-word and expression-for-expression, the same three stories — now it was within 10 minutes. Indeed, many of his tweets were the product of his repetitions — he just couldn't stop saying something.

WONKETTE FACTCHECK: WE CAN SEE TRUMP DOING THAT ON OUR TELEVISION SETS. Remember the unhinged interview he gave the New York Times  just before the new year, when he said SIXTEEN TIMES that "no collusion! no collusion! you are the collusion!"? Remember how he says that every time he gets in front of a camera? Wonkette is not a brain doctor, but brain doctors note that this can be a sign of dementia and an early warning for Alzheimers. Brain doctors are JUST SAYING.

On that note:

At Mar-a-Lago, just before the new year, a heavily made-up Trump failed to recognize a succession of old friends.

WONKETTE FACTCHECK: Sad. And entirely believable.

The Daily Beast has a couple other quotes from the book, including the time Trump allegedly called former acting attorney general Sally Yates a "cunt," and the time he told his real daughter Hope Hicks (Ivanka is more of his work wife, according to Wolff) that she was the "best piece of tail" Corey Lewandowski ever got. Hicks reportedly fled the room in response.

In summary and in conclusion, all of this shit is true, unless it isn't, in which case it isn't, but if Wolff made it all up, he sure does do a good impression of the Donald Trump we all know and loathe!

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[ The Hollywood Reporter ]