Let's Have A Conclave: Tabs, Mon., May 5, 2025

Morning news roundup! Things to read!

Iberian lynxes! Tabs gif by your friend Martini Glambassador!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

This really happened: the official White House account Xitted an AI picture of Trump as pope. Many Catholics and people with taste are offended. But Lindsay Graham thinks it’s a swell plan! “I was excited to hear that President Trump is open to the idea of being the next Pope. This would truly be a dark horse candidate, but I would ask the papal conclave and Catholic faithful to keep an open mind about this possibility! The first Pope-U.S. President combination has many upsides. Watching for white smoke …. Trump MMXXVIII!” (Guardian)

The papal conclave is scheduled to start Wednesday. (NY Times archive link)

@thejasonforbesTime to choose the new pope. #conclave #comedy #popefrancis #pope rome from above

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Trump went on Meet the Press and told Kristen Welker he “doesn’t know” if he is supposed to uphold the Constitution. And when asked when the economy would stop being Biden’s economy and start being his: “I think the good parts are the Trump economy and the bad parts are the Biden economy.” Oh. And while he insists China is “eating the tariffs,” this Grinch also can’t wait to steal Christmas: “I don't think a beautiful baby girl that's 11 years old needs to have 30 dolls. I think they can have three dolls or four dolls ... they don't need to have 250 pencils. They can have five," said the man who craps in a golden toilet. (NBC)

Marc Elias and lawyers were on 60 Minutes talking about law firms being shaken down by Trump, and how Trump is a felon trying to make us a dictatorship. Oh boy is he gonna hate that! (CBS)

Friday Judge Beryl Howell permanently blocked that executive order targeting the law firm Perkins Coie, in a banger of a 102-page opinion that the order violated the First, Fifth and Sixth Amendments. She also shamed law firms that had given in to him: “If the founding history of this country is any guide, those who stood up in court to vindicate constitutional rights and, by so doing, served to promote the rule of law, will be the models lauded when this period of American history is written.” (WSJ gift link)

And, the White House Xitted another AI picture of Trump, this one all jacked out with a red lightsaber: “Happy May the 4th to all, including the Radical Left Lunatics who are fighting so hard to to bring Sith Lords, Murderers, Drug Lords, Dangerous Prisoners, & well known MS-13 Gang Members, back into our Galaxy. You’re not the Rebellion—you’re the Empire.” Cringe! The Empire was the government, but whatever. Also he wants to re-open Alcatraz, for vibes, and tariff foreign movies, somehow.

On Friday, “Border Czar” Tom Homan smirked and strongly suggested he was planning to arrest leaders of sanctuary cities.

REPORTER: Why not just arrest the leaders who are harboring illegal aliens?

TOM HOMAN: Wait until you see what's coming. You cannot support what we’re doing, and you can support sanctuary cities if that’s what you want to do, but if you cross that line to impediment or knowingly harboring and concealing an illegal alien, that’s a felony and we’re treating it as such.

Then Republican Wisconsin state Rep. Calvin Callahan posted a AI image on social media showing Trump arresting governor Tony Evers, who pissed off the right by publishing guidance for employers if ICE shows up to their place of business. That, plus Trump’s Executive Order saying sanctuary cities are doing obstruction of justice and RICO and conspiring and etc. etc. sure does make it sound like governors and mayors are going to start getting arrested soon. (Baltimore Banner archive link)

The administration has backed down and restored educational funding to Maine. Governor Janet Mills: “I told him I’d see him in court. Well, we did see him in court, and we won.” (MSNBC)

The Onion, April 28: “ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn.” Real life, May 2: ICE agents wait outside of delivery room in Tucson to deport Guatemalan mother, and physically block her lawyer from being able to see her. (Tucson dot com)

The House will vote today on a bill, HR 867, that makes it illegal to boycott Israel, and punish Americans who participate with fines of up to $1 MILLION and 20 years in prison. Wow, that does not sound remotely legal in any way! It’s so dumb even Marjorie Taylor Greene is against it. (Congressman Mike Lawler)

Lil Marco Rubio got into it on Xitter with the German foreign ministry, which has labelled the holocaust-minimizing immigrant-hating AfD as a “confirmed rightwing extremist group,” squealing, “Germany should reverse course.” The German foreign ministry Xitted back, “This is democracy. This decision is the result of a thorough & independent investigation to protect our Constitution & the rule of law. It is independent courts that will have the final say. We have learnt from our history that rightwing extremism needs to be stopped.” (The Guardian)

The administration has reached a settlement with the family of terrorist Ashli Babbitt, amount unknown. (CBS)

“Kash Patel Took $25,000 From Russia-Linked Firm to Appear on an Anti-FBI TV Series.” Oh. (Mother Jones)

Oh look, the Signal clone that Mike Waltz got caught using has been hacked. That was quick. (404 Media)

Secretary of Defense Boozehole has been trying to portray himself as one of The Guys, but The Guys have noticed that for all the posturing and gender-affirming makeup he wears he hasn’t done shit to make troops’ lives better. “You'll see a lot of pictures of [Hegseth] jogging with troops, visiting flight lines, American flag suit ... but what you won't see are ribbon cuttings for new barracks […] When leadership prioritizes optics over outcomes, photos over plumbing, troops notice. When DoD leadership talks about 'lethality' but ignores that soldiers are getting sick from their own living conditions, credibility suffers.” (Military dot com)

How about a gallery of parents who support their LGBTQ+ children? (Out)

The Pope.

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