Let's Liveblog Benghazi Night At The Republican National Convention Slow And Easy Like

Hola nerds, it is time to watch the Republican National Convention, together, for safety! And luckily, tonight is Stop Letting Hillary Murder Benghazi With Her Emails Night at the RNC! We will have so many funs!

Sometimes, shit will get boring, and I will be all SEE YOU FUCKERS, DO NOT CARE ABOUT [OTHER PERSON'S WIFE]. (Of the seven women lined up to speak tonight, of 27 people, only Sen. Joni Ernst of Iowa isn't there as "somebody's mom." Betcha her first line is how she is a wife and mother!) And then you will talk amongst yourselves. Other times, shit will be Fast & Furious, like the guns Hillary Clinton personally sold to whichever Mexican cartel guy is currently trying to murder Donald Trump! (Please do not murder Donald Trump, anyone. Shit will only get more real if that fucker's a martyr.) Also, Chachi will be speaking, and that dude's THE WORST. 

So here we will go! We will write some things sometimes, and update this post accordingly, and you will be terrible, as is your wont, but not TOO terrible, because mama's got some shit going on this week, and she's in NO MOOD FOR SHENANIGANS. (Yes she is.)

Here is a livestream.

Ready? Set? FUNTIMES START NOW!

7: 52 p.m.: A man is doing the Pledge of Allegiance and shouting out UNDER GOD, but you knew that already, as it is the law.

8: 01 p.m.: A black dude is doing some Christian country and I am ... digging it? And then a vampire man is singing the Turtles' "Happy Together" and having to read the lyrics off his music stand. COME ON VAMPIRE MAN. And now a Duck Dynasty man is coming, this is all verrrry what the fuck.

8: 07 p.m.: Willie from Duck Dynasty is talking about disagreements, and how they sometimes turn into fisticuffs. Sounds like somebody's been hanging with the Palins. o.O

8: 10 p.m.: Here is Chachi, and he is not even calling Hillary Clinton a cunt! (Yet.) Instead, he is explaining how everyone who is not voting for Trump is a disgusting maggot who uses an Obamaphone. Being an American? "It doesn't mean getting free stuff. It means sacrificing. Winning. Losing. Failing. Succeeding. And sometimes doing the things you don't want to do, including the hard work to get where you want to be." Aw, that's the spirit, Chonch. The rest of us are disgusting losers and Hillary is a cunt. Got it.

Is Donald Trump the messiah? Nah, he's just this guy.

8: 15 p.m.: RICK PERRY SQUEEEE! He is talking about some Navy SEAL who was "a tall drink of water." Rick Perry, everybody is always saying you are gay (which would be fine if you stopped insisting on being a Republican) so maybe don't TALK ABOUT TALL DRINKS OF WATER WHAT ARE DUDES.

Also, he is saying something about "taking care of our veterans," because that is a thing that Republicans do /sarcasm.

8: 20 p.m.: There is an argument in the chatcave about what is up with Lone Survivor. He is Marcus Luttrell, and he was played by Matt Damon according to people in the chatcave, and he is, like the life of a repo man ... intense. We will leave it at HOPE YOU'RE OKAY LONE SURVIVOR.

8: 25 p.m.: Here is a lady and she is talking about her son who died at Benghazi and she is sad and that is sad :(

People in the audience are weeping with her, and it is heartbreaking. I am sorry your son died, Patricia Smith.

"I blame Hillary Clinton!"

[Applause]

"I blame Hillary Clinton personally for the death of my son." She is mad that Hillary Clinton "blamed it on terrorism" and lied to her and called her a liar. "She looked me squarely in the eye and said it was a video."

Yes, the attacks all over the world at the same time were about the video. But not that one. I am sorry you are sad. I am sorry the GOP has brought you up on stage for this. My heart weeps for you. I am sad they have brought you here and done this to you. I am sorry for your son.

Jesus Christ.

HI, MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR taking over for a minute. Errbody remember, that all the Benghazi dead were dead a couple hours after the attack started. Marines showed up the next day, so their packing and unpacking of uniforms was kind of beside the point.

Whack-A-Mole metaphor for shooting people in the head gets applause, of course.

This script reading for a Tom Clancy movie is not very good, but at least it beats the mini-feature before it.

C'mon, fellas, the delegates can only get so erect, enough with the war porn. Up on the ruff, rounds incoming. Left leg just below the knee almost completely severed off. AND I'm spent.

What's the play-off music for these bros? "Halls of Montezuma?" "Ballad of the Green Berets?" They really have to be jacking with the schedule; we want Melania!

Yeah, fellas, we really appreciate what you did there, but the American People really need to move on to nominating a dictator. You guys take your detailed after-action off-line with the G-3, OK?

8: 53 Applause for Qaddafi plus Toyota shoutouts.

8: 54 Just realized I'm not giving time checks LIKE A FUCKING POG.

8: 55 These guys have been going on about five times as long as Chachi, how is that even fair?

8: 56 STAND DOWN. Drink!

8: 57 Hey, they're back on script, and sounding completely robotic. WE NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL LEAD WITH STRENGTH AND INTEGRITY, AND I BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS DONALD TRUMP, PAUSE FOR EFFECT, USA! USA! USA!

8: 58 To sum up, "As day broke over the minarets, I had a hard boiled egg for breakfast, and it was cold like Hillary's heart."

9: 00 p.m.: Rebecca again! Sorry I made Major Major Major Major livebloog for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS while the Hilarious Brothers told lies that the Republican Benghazi committee already debunked, oh well. And now it is the Mexicans Will Kill You portion of the program, hooray!

9: 02 p.m.: My name is Antonio Sabato Jr., and I came to America the right way ... in your pants. 

9: 06 p.m.: We are halfway through the Million Mexican-Murdered Moms. I am sorry your sons were murdered by "illegals," in drunk driving collisions, which definitely is never something a normal white person would do. There are no "accidents." Only Mexicans. You guys, this night is weeeeeird.

9: 11 p.m.: Jamiel Shaw's dad is here to talk about how Jamiel was shot by a ganbanger; Jamiel Shaw went to high school with my son at Los Angeles High. That's all I got, it was super fucked-up. "Only Trump called me on the phone to see how I was doing." That's fair! If Hillary Clinton had called Patricia Smith, maybe Patricia Smith would not want to see her "in stripes." Who knows, this is all bugfuck nuts.

9: 17 p.m.: Some Texas douche is on, and he would like us to please "end sanctuary cities." (SEE YA CHICAGO.) Because small government means telling cities what to do. This is kind of a low energy speech. Things should perk up with the next setpiece, a live waterboarding. See you then!

9: 29 p.m.: Batshit crazy Milwaukee Sheriff David Clarke is batshit crazy, black, and hates black people. He still sounds a lot smarter and more sane than Donald Trump. And that's all I have to say about that, because dude's EXHAUSTING.

9: 33 p.m.: Real World Congressman and Real World Congressman Wife Sean Duffy and Lisa Campos-Duffy have a little comedy routine about how their kids aren't allowed to do Benghazi or lie to the FBI.

Guys, would it fucking KILL them to put in a commercial break?

9: 45 p.m.: I missed the black guy running for Senate in Colorado but he sounded good? Charming? Youthful? Don't care, here is Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton, who by all readings of Chapter 115 of the US Code maybe is a little bit of a traitor, with the negotiating with foreign enemies and all. BUT BESIDES THAT ... Dear Penthouse: Let me tell you a story about an Arkansas farm boy who became a soldier. His name was James Tiberius Kirk. Cotton is saying some words about becoming an "instrument" of the US Army and killing some folks and being generally boring like that and BOO NOBUMMER WHO WANTS TO END A WAR.

9: 50 p.m.: Tom Cotton's dad served in Vietnam. Unlike his presidential candidate. Tom Cotton served so his children can live in peace. So it is weird to me that he is mad at Obama for wanting to "end wars." Fuck that guy.

9: 54 p.m.: A lady says that her son died because stupid Obama makes the Troops abide by the Geneva Conventions. She says it better than that; she says it real enthusiastic and she is good at speeching. But yeah, she is REAL MAD at the LUDICROUS rules that say we can't waterboard because we wouldn't like it if we were waterboarded, and we can't go shooting people's kids, like John Yoo wanted. This lady is terrifying.

Major Major Major Major has a point for us about the "ludicrous" Rules of Engagement: "ROE is not restrictive. Marines killed the shit out of a house full of womens/kids in Haditha and were cleared as following ROE." So ... why won't we let our troops WIN????

10: 01 p.m.:

Alabama Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. Don't know what he's saying, cause he sounds just like Boomhauer.

[...]

10: 15 p.m.: Trying not to break my promise to myself and to you to ignore everything Thuffering Thuccotash up there is saying, but, coming off a primary season where half the people were mad KILLARY KKKLINTON murdered too many people, it's odd to see people complaining that Hillary Clinton refuses to kill any people. (Except the heroes of Benghazi.) I will leave it, for now, at that.

10: 22 p.m.: What the fuck is Donald Trump doing here (coming out to "We Are the Champions," no less, because if anyone would have loved Donald Trump, it is Freddie Mercury)? (Did you hear that "they wanted" him to speak every night, but he said "no no no, that would be unsuitable"?) Anyway, gross. Here comes Melania Trump, let's listen to her talk, it will be fabulous.

10: 25 p.m.: So Melania is talking (she sounds just like Ivana! maybe they come from the same factory) and she says she has been with "the Donald" (THE NAME IVANA GAVE HIM) for 18 years. How the fuck old is she, anyway? "22," my husband says. I love my husband.

10: 28 p.m.: Be honest. How many of you dudes have Dude Boners right now?

10: 31 p.m.: Listen, I don't wanna make fun of the wife, even though she married that guy. And puts caviar on their kid. And it is hard to listen to her. And I have some questions on the "grueling" amount of work she did in "faaashon" and also what you have to do to be an "active member" of the Police Athletic League.

I'm just saying "I'm not feeling it." The gentlemen in the chatcave would care to differ. (One of them just said her English is excellent. Which I think means they are listening to her with the dicks in their ears.)

But oh, ouch:

Major Major Major Major here, because fuck this fucking muscle-headed piece of shit.

10: 42 Lt. Gen Michael Flynn, fired because he wanted to invade Iran and Syria because he is a goddam moron, tell us your thoughts?

10: 44 I think Hillary's OK with being called an Obama clone, as are the American people.

10: 45 Is he getting choked up, or is that bullshit cutting off his air supply?

10: 46 Our new American Century. Same as PNAC's brilliant idea that led us into Iraq. If this guy had a hair on his ass, he'd have led an unsuccessful military coup by now, but he's as gutless as he is stupid.

10: 48 OK, Mike, thanks for listing accomplishments by Democratic presidents. And thanks for quoting Reagan at the '64 Republican convention, when Reagan supported Goldwater's opposition to the Civil Rights Act.

10: 52 War is not about bathrooms. Thanks for clearing that up, Mike, although a little weird to mention it.

10: 55 "I am infuriated when our president bans criticism of our enemies." As opposed to banning criticism of the president before he's even elected?

10: 57 Our enemies mocked American willpower?

'Sup, bitches?

11: 00 Apologies! Drink! Wow, that's about the most contemptuous use of the word "she" we've ever heard. We're starting to think Flynn wishes he were a member of the Sacred Band of Thebes, if you know what we mean.

11: 02 Fuck, why do I get the most long-winded assholes?

11: 05 Flynn, you're aware that no one but C-SPAN insomniacs is listening at this point, right? Let's wrap it up, soldier. We already know all the catchphrases. The sheeple are not going to wake up at this point; they're tired.

11: 10 Dok Zoom taking over the liveblooging, just in time for Joni Ernst to schlep out onstage in her bread-bag shoes and castrate some hogs. She's remembering growing up poor, on Walton Mountain. Can we just all say "Goodnight, John Boy"?

11: 13 Joni is telling us about her rumspringa to Ukraine, and the simple Ukrainians who asked her what freedom was like. It was like, the best. Only now Obama is president, and we wonder the same thing.

11: 16 We love it when R's talk about how we've let down our allies, when in reality, our allies are scared shitless of Donald Trump. (And the remaining 19 people in the room applaud sleepily.)

11: 18 ISIS terrorists are in every state! Yes, boo.

11: 22 In case you were wondering, that's not actually what FBI director James Comey said:

"We have investigations of people in various stages of radicalizing in all 50 states," Comey told a winter meeting of the National Association of Attorneys General.

"This isn't a New York phenomenon or a Washington phenomenon. This is all 50 states and in ways that are very hard to see," he added.

So yeah, he was talking about investigations of people considering going to join ISIS in Syria. It's different.

11: 25

11: 27 Major Major Major Major in the Sekrit ChatCave: "I've heard more applause at an improv open mike night."

11: 30 We need a president who'll go batshit over Iran detaining two navy boats for a night. Why the hell aren't we at war yet?

11: 32 COMMANDER Ryan Zinke is proud of his disobedient daughter, vows we'll keep Gitmo open forever. Also, dude, Montana is not actually in the house any more. They went to bed like all sensible people.

11: 34 Within the space of a minute, Commodore Zinke praises the raid that killed Osama bin Laden and then accuses Barack Obama of being an "armchair quarterback."

11: 35 After 8 investigations, several run by Republicans, find nothing could have been done to save those who died at Benghazi, Zinke says they could have been saved. By Donald Trump, who can teleport, we guess.

11: 37 Now it's time to stand and pray. Everyone is already standing, because they're leaving. IT'S OVER, GO HOME. The Four Days' Hate will continue tomorrow night with a live waterboarding.

11: 40 Rev. Paula White didn't resurrect anyone, not even with four "Amens." Disappointing!