Let's Mock Jacob Wohl Some More, Because F*ck That Guy

The stupidest story on the internet gets stupider.

By now you've already read the latest story of young, uncanny valley-looking garbage baby Jacob Wohl setting his own dick on fire and eating it, by trying to trick gay Republican twinks 'n' otters into falsely claiming that Pete Buttigieg sexually assaulted them. (If you haven't, by all means read it!) While what Wohl and his pal Jack Burkman are doing is extremely dangerous, and we're not going to be surprised if Wohl sees prison before the end of his 20s, Wohl is just also just an endless font of DERP. Like, this guy is such a dork . If you knew Jacob Wohl, you'd make fun of him every single day, both to his face and behind his back. If you invited him to parties, you'd probably only do it so you and your real friends could have stories to tell for next time. If he was on fire, you'd probably piss on him to amuse yourself EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD BE JUST AS EASY TO USE THE READILY AVAILABLE HOSE.

The Daily Beast has a follow up on Wohl's and Jack Burkman's attempts to Stranger Danger Michigan college student and gay Republican Hunter Kelly into lying on Mayor Pete. It advances the story of Wohl and Burkman flying the kid from Michigan to Baltimore, and then transporting him across state lines to Burkman's home in Arlington, Virginia, for what appears to be a secret agent sleepover , but more importantly (to us anyway) it just gives us more shit about Wohl to mock.

Like so:

When Kelly woke at around 11 in the morning, Wohl "was already dressed in a suit because he 'can't do a Monday if he isn't in a suit'" ...

OK stop.

We are talking about this guy.

 
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Who doesn't really seem to have a job.

Who used to have sort of a real job doing hedge funding or something, but then he got banned from that, because he was like the Doogie Howser of teen frauding.

And he just can't "do a Monday" if he's not wearing a suit?

Really?

 
 media3.giphy.com 

The stories from the Daily Beast don't exactly exonerate Hunter Kelly from all guilt in this scheme, but he does appear to have had a certain about-face about what he was about to get into. They note that his story has sort of evolved over time, and that it certainly seems like he was pitched on the idea before he got on the big airplane with the ticket bought for him by the strangers.

Once he had arrived -- in the wee hours of Monday morning, you'll remember -- Burkman and Wohl pitched Kelly on the big plan, which Kelly says made him uncomfortable. The Daily Beast reports Wohl "told him to sleep on it," and as our earlier story explained, when Kelly woke up Monday after 11 AM, Burkman and Wohl had already put the story out using fake social media accounts under Kelly's name.

And that, we guess, was when Kelly saw that Wohl was wearing a suit, because, you know, MONDAYS.

Anyway, Kelly was freaked out, but they were like CALM DOWN BRO, THIS IS VERY LEGAL AND VERY COOL.

According to Kelly, Burkman tried to calm his nerves by claiming that he was a "'star' and people are eating me up."

Yeah, that is definitely for real what was happening. It was just a regular All About Eve story, we bet!

So anyway, they went to Subway, because even Eve Harrington gets hungry.

At which point Kelly says the idiots offered to buy him "any house I wanted." (WITH WHAT MONEY? EXCUSE US!)

Just typical stuff. Coming to terms with one's own newfound stardom, acquired in the usual way, by falsely claiming sexual assault against a presidential candidate, chompin' on meatball subs while the dudes who got you there offer to buy you houses because you're scared. WHAT A MONDAY.

Kelly said that, at this point, the duo turned to intimidation, telling him that backing out and leaving was "not an option."

Wait, so now he's KIDNAPPED? Jesus Christ!

Anyway, Kelly extricated himself from his own self-imposed Abducted In Plain Sight situation by pretending to be VERY SWEEPY and once he knew his sister and her husband were there to get him, he got the fuck out of there.

And what has our dear boy learned from all this?

"Jack Burkman may have promised me a lavish lifestyle, but at a price that would cost me the two most important things to me: honesty and integrity. Had I gone forward with this despicable scheme they concocted, I would have lost both of those things and became another one of their useless pawns."

Also apparently he's been trying to say sorry to the Buttigieg campaign (maybe he doesn't want to get sued for defamation), but they're giving him the fuckbutton because shut the fuck up and go away, gay Republican monster child what decided to cross streams with Jacob Wohl and ended up getting bit.

Thoughts 'n' prayers for everyone involved, we guess.

And now it is your OPEN THREAD.

[ Daily Beast ]

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