Let's Play 'Russia If You're Listening' Mad Libs! Come On, It'll Be Fun!

Everything is 2016 again.

Just yesterday, we brought you the story of how, in a shocker for the generations, US officials are leaking to Bloomberg that they're investigating whether Russia is already attacking the 2020 election to hurt possible nominee Joe Biden and help Donald Trump. We remarked, with wonder in our eyes, how great it is that Trump and the country he feels the most allegiance to/that owns him ("allegedly") can work so very independently of each other (NO COLLUSION!) for the exact same goals .

We didn't know at the time just how aligned they currently are, but the New York Times   filled in some blanks mere hours later. Turns out Russia has already successfully hacked Burisma, the Ukrainian gas company Hunter Biden served on the board of, in order to find whatever dirt they can manufacture/selectively release during the 2020 election season. If this is giving you deja vu all over again about the 2016 election, it's because it's the same damn play as last time. (The Times quotes an expert who notes that Russian intelligence, while smart, is also kind of lazy. And hell, it worked last time, so!)  

How same? This same:

The hacking attempts against Burisma, the Ukrainian gas company on whose board Hunter Biden served, began in early November, as talk of the Bidens, Ukraine and impeachment was dominating the news in the United States.

So after the impeachment started, after we had been instructed many times to READ TEH TREANSDJFIKAJDFKJAVPFJTCITP!, and after Donald Trump had had adequate chances to stand on the White House lawn and confess and invite other countries to investigate the Bidens for him, Russia just happened to be listening! And good old Igor, he did a hacking.

It is not yet clear what the hackers found, or precisely what they were searching for.

Doesn't matter.

Yes, all of the Biden-Burisma bullshit, which Donald Trump believes in, and which Rudy Giuliani believes in, is a hilariously debunked conspiracy theory. But don't worry, because if they didn't find actually incriminating information in there -- and they almost surely did not -- they'll just manufacture it or curate it in an out-of-context way that muddies the waters and makes it look like there's a "there" there. Because newsflash to absolutely nobody besides a few hangers-on, but the Russians didn't actually find evidence in the documents they burglarized from the DNC that showed Hillary Clinton and Debbie Wasserman Schultz rigging the primary against Bernie Sanders, either. But they sure did selectively release stuff to make it look like there might be the faintest hint of made-up scandal, and TBH, that's all the American public (and the American media!) needs.

More same:

Then, as now, the Russian hackers from a military intelligence unit known formerly as the G.R.U., and to private researchers by the alias "Fancy Bear," used so-called phishing emails that appear designed to steal usernames and passwords, according to Area 1, the Silicon Valley security firm that detected the hacking. In this instance, the hackers set up fake websites that mimicked sign-in pages of Burisma subsidiaries, and have been blasting Burisma employees with emails meant to look like they are coming from inside the company.

Yay, it's even the same GRU assholes who did 2016, asking John Podesta to enter his email password on a fake website! And it worked, just like in 2016! Maybe we'll get Hunter Biden's risotto recipe out of this!

And if the hacking op turns out to be a real limp dick, they got spies on the ground too, don't worry:

The Russian attacks on Burisma appear to be running parallel to an effort by Russian spies in Ukraine to dig up information in the analog world that could embarrass the Bidens, according to an American security official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss sensitive intelligence.

Some of them probably have Rudy Giuliani's phone number! And iPhone password! And mother's maiden name!

All of this is just awesome (NO COLLUSION). Donald Trump bribed/extorted the president of Ukraine (PERFECT CALL! READ TEHT RJAKS;JKJF;AJSD;JFDKSJDKJSIPCIT! ) to announce fake investigations into Joe Biden, and also into fake Ukrainian interference in the 2016 election, in order to exonerate Russia for its culpability in the attack, and he got impeached for it.

Meanwhile, Russia, as ever, is always listening, just like they were that night in the summer of 2016 when Trump said, "RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING" and directly asked them to hack and search for Hillary Clinton's imaginary missing emails, and they directly did so! That night!

And just as in 2016, the Russian trolls and bot armies are still there, ready to cherrypick and disseminate on Twitter whatever bullshit the GRU found in the Burisma servers.

 It's all the same .

Ooh, idea! What about if 11 days before the 2020 election, Attorney General Bill Barr announced a fake criminal investigation into Joe Biden (or whomever the eventual Democratic nominee is), to maybe give Donald Trump the tiny opening he needs to pull off a tiny win in the Electoral College? That would be new and different! 

And if that doesn't work, well, Russia did target all 50 states' voting systems in 2016, according to the Republican-run Senate Intelligence Committee.

So there's that.

In summary and in conclusion, 2016 never actually ended, and never ever fucking will.

[ New York Times ]

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