I'm Lindsey Graham And I Am Beggin' You To Vote For This Very Sick Fella!

The South Carolina senator wishes y'all a very happy Mexican Christmas.

Hi folks! Lindsey Graham here. How y’all doing? You comfy? Got yourselves some of my special tequila eggnog and my famed cucumber-slices-topped-with-shredded-cotija hors d’oeuvres? Mmm, boy, get yourselves some of them cucumbers, they’re going fast.

I suppose you’re all wondering why I’m hosting my annual Christmas party at South of the Border, the grandest roadside attraction in all the great state of South Carolina. Now, are there more beautiful sites in South Carolina? Yes. Are any of them classier? Definitely. Are any of them even more racist? Well, yeah, we still rent our plantations out for weddings, are you kidding me? Next to that, a roadside attraction featuring a stereotyped vision of Mexican culture to appeal to American road-trippers who wouldn’t know the Mexican hat dance from the Beverly Hillbillies theme song looks positively woke .

But I do love Christmas. Even Mexican Christmas, with its boo-ritos and tamales and whatnot. Y’all ever had a catfish taco while opening the gifts you gave yourself on a lonely Christmas morning in your own home, just you and your AR-15 propped up nearby to shoot at any real Mexicans who might have crossed the border and made it all the way to Charleston so they can overrun it with crime and fentanyl?

I’m tellin’ you, there is no better Christmas morning than that.

But anyway, I’m here for a simple reason today besides celebrating the holidays with giant tubs of queso. And that is to give up whatever remaining shreds of dignity might still cling to my soul after decades of abject toadyism to powerful people in order to beg you to vote for Herschel Walker in the Georgia Senate runoff on Tuesday.

Now I know what you’re all asking yourselves: Senator Graham, what does a vote for Herschel Walker have to do with Christmas? Or South Carolina? Are there a lot of Georgia voters here guzzling your home-brewed Corona and riding the glass elevator to the top of Sombrero Tower? Which, despite sounding like the dirtiest move outside a Beaufort whorehouse, is not a metaphor?

These are all good questions. And the answer to all of them is: Who gives a hoot?

Look, I know Herschel Walker ain’t exactly the brightest bit of glitter in the debutante’s ball gown. I know he ain’t the sharpest talon on the gamecock. I know he ain’t the swiftest sea turtle ever hatched. I know … y’all get the idea.

What's that? Y'all ain't ever seen the South of the Border mascot Pedro dressed up like Santa Claus before? Don't they have Santa in Mexico? They don't? Well, don't that beat all. All right, someone tell Tim Scott he can take off the red poncho and the beard and the sombrero and go get himself a beer.

And sure, we don’t let old Herschel go even on a friendly show like Sean Hannity without half the GOP caucus right there with him , answering all of Sean’s questions before Herschel can open his mouth and remind even the most hardcore Republican voter that everything he says makes an Alexa sound like Cicero. I mean, y’all see him in that debate against Senator Warnock? Or listen to him speak? Lord knows what’s gonna come out of his mouth when he opens it.

Try to imagine Herschel in a Judicial Committee hearing questioning, say, the FBI director about the Bureau’s efforts fighting antifa terrorists. “Director Wray, I’m actually a real-life FBI agent, someone in the Marietta office gave me a badge and everything. So I want to know if y’all need any help? Maybe I could go beat up some antifas for you, or round up some werewolves to turn loose on ‘em, or impregnate some of their women and then not pay child support? I got all sorts of skills besides stiff-arming linebackers while blowing through the A gap.”

Lord help us, but would that be a sight.

But see, here’s the thing about Herschel Walker: He’ll vote however we tell him. You think he won’t know he owes us big-time after so many of us sat next to him on TV and did all the talking? You think he’s gonna take an Appropriations bill home to read and then come in the next morning and tell Mitch McConnell he’s got some concerns about the price tag for farm subsidies?

Sure he will. And I’m a plate of Hoppin’ John.

No, Herschel’ll be the best gol-dang Black friend us Senate Republicans have had since Reconstruction. What? No, I’m not saying anything nice about Reconstruction, what do you take me for? Good Lord but I’d like to still be able to show my face in Charleston’s nicer restaurants without everyone hissing at me, thank you very much.

Do y'all think I'm just being a cynical power-hungry whore by supporting Herschel Walker? Of course I am! I'm Lindsey Graham, do you know nothing of my career?

But at least the Democrats won't be able to call us racist anymore. Now let's have that mariachi band come up here and play "O Holy Night" on some of them giant guitars while I throw these souvenire ponchos into the crowd.

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