LIVE: Republican Debate Or Criminal Arraignment? In America We Don't Have To Choose!

Drink every time somebody punches Ron DeSantis in the dick.

Hello, patriots!

Fox News is having some kind of live fascist masturbation contest and we are liveblogging it. Will one of the people in the picture above be your next president? Is that who is debating tonight? Let’s go with “sure” and “why not.”

Never in American history has a political event mattered less.

Watch it on Fox News or Fox Business or watch it on fucking Rumble, but we’re not linking to that, you have to google it.

No, it’s not on YouTube, because Ronna McDaniel is so fucking stupid that she figured out a way to get FEWER people to watch this, probably even fewer than whoever decides to tune into Donald Trump’s tonguefucking sesh with Tucker Carlson on Twitter.

We’ll be liveblogging below. Here’s a playlist of 290 “Golden Girls” clips, should you choose to do something better with your life.

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9:03: Oh it’s starting. The barfing fascist goats in the audience are cheering for everyone, and also booing for them and OH DOUG BURGUM SHOWED UP! Guess he unbroke his ACL.

Anyway, there was some Jesus lady who sang the national anthem and then there was some Christian nationalist intro about how if a Republican doesn’t win, maybe women will be able to make decisions about their bodies again, BOOOOO.

9:05: Martha MacCallum is literally talking about the pigfuck hick song with the redheaded guy who knows how all his problems were caused by poor Black people eating Little Debbies. This is how we are starting the Republican debate.

This is not a real political party.

But the question is “Ron DeSantis, why everybody like that shithole song?”

9:07: Ron just attempted to smile, it was rouuuuuuugh.

Now it’s Chris Christie’s turn to say why Ron DeSantis can suck his Jersey Shore, and by “Jersey Shore,” we mean nutsack.

9:10: Martha MacCallum says hey Tim Scott, that song says things about welfare too. Why did MacCallum send that question to Tim Scott? No reason.

9:12: Mike Pence tries to cut in because Tim Scott mentioned the Trump administration, but nah, fuck off, Mike Pence. Hey, isn’t he the guy they tried to guillotine on January 6?

Vivek Ramaswamy says blah blah blah blah, he is new, he is different, he is young, he is hot.

Nikki Haley says let’s not attack Democrats, let’s attack Republicans for raising the debt, booooo Republicans, hate them.

9:16: Mike Pence all bitchy, wants to talk about how he and his mortal enemy/BFF crush Donald Trump took away the sluts’ rights to make their decisions and blah blah blah “growth and prosperity.”

Ramaswamy actually has a constituency in the audience. Says he’s going to declare war on the administrative state, so hiiiiii Steve Bannon hiiiiiiiii.

Pence: “I was a House conservative leader before it was cool.” Actual Pence line. Also just said he’d talk slower so Ramaswamy understands him, so ummmmmmm.

Ron DeSantis interrupts to scream about how all the problems are because of “lockdown.” Says he won’t let “Deep State bureaucrats” lock people down. Says way to handle Dr. Fauci is to say “ANTHONY YOU ARE FIRED.”

9:20: LMAO Ramaswamy says now that everybody has done their three slogans, let’s talk about some real shit. Pence is like oh is that one of your slogans?

9:21: Doug Burgum says hi he is Doug Burgum and he fucked up his hoof today.

9:22: Asa Hutchinson says ew gross abortion, please cheer me.

BTW Tim Scott is a total liar fucking liar about Black unemployment and Biden’s record on it.

9:23: QUESTION: Maui, hurricane in California, and climate change is actually real.

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU BELIEVE IN HUMAN CAUSED CLIMATE CHANGE.

Nobody raises their hand, and Ron DeSantis’s entire asshole clenches and he goes bugfuck. Ramaswamy says “climate change agenda” is a hoax and that he’s the only one up there who isn’t bought and paid for.

Chris Christie says Ramaswamy is a SKINNY AMATEUR LIKE BARACK OBAMA.

Nikki Haley says DOWN WITH ALL MEN, starting with all these men.

Good God these fucking people, we cannot even keep up.

9:27: Tim Scott is like hey you guyssssssss stop bein’ silly, let’s be grown-ups, you guysssssss!

Also “China.”

9:29: Oh thank Christ, a commercial.

9:33: Abortion abortion abortion abortion abortion!

Everybody loves abortion! Every time Americans vote on abortion, you losers lose!

NIKKI HALEY: I hate abortion because my husband was adopted. But stop demonizing all the abortions! Just some of them! Can’t we all agree on not giving ladies the DEATH PENALTY for having abortions?

RON DESANTIS: Oh I banned the shit out of abortion in Florida. Six week ban in Florida. I heard a heartbeat one time in an unborn babby. Ron DeSantis knows a lady named Penny who used to be an abortion, but now she isn’t HAHA SUCK IT DEMS.

MIKE PENCE: Oh I’ve been fucking up women on this for YEARS. Jesus Jesus Jesus. I am complete Christian fascist and if you elect me we will go so goddamned Handmaid’s Tale your heads will spin.

Also, Nikki Haley is my friend, but she is a woman, therefore a lib.

9:38: Haley is like goddamn, stop lying, there’s not gonna be an abortion ban because there ain’t no 60 percent of the Senate to do that.

Martha MacCallum says let’s get Governor Bergman in here! Come on, Governor “Bergman!”

He says no federal abortion ban. Fuckin’ Goverman Burgner! Or whatever!

9:41: Asa Hutchinson also too hates abortion, and now there is a split screen between Hutchinson and Burgernor Govman, because they are fighting for last place here we guess.

9:42: Tim Scott will not let California and New York and Illinois abort all their babies on the last day of pregnancy, as is currently required by the laws of those states. Also we think he just started crying or something.

Did Chris Christie and Ramaswamy just get out of all the whole abortion discussion or did we miss it?

9:46: Anyway, next questions are about crime, so we guess it’ll be a racist dogwhistle contest.

Mike Pence is closing the Department of Education or something.

BTW, gun crime is far worse in red states. Just FYI.

9:47: Chris Christie will make his US attorneys prosecute all the violent crimes if the lib DAs won’t. Chris Christie will also reduce violent crime by “Hunter Biden.” Good job, Chris Christie.

Ramaswamy says cops shouldn’t have rules and that we are in a “national identity crisis.” He will make America “purpose and meaning” again. “Tonal reset from the top!” Fuckin’ nerd, lame, shut up.

Mike Pence says America ain’t got no identity crisis, we love Jesus real good!

9:51: Bret Baier is like hey Ron DeSantis, crime is going batshit in Florida, how you gonna fix it? DeSantis says crime is FINE in Florida. DeSantis says GEORGE SOROS-FUNDED DAs. DeSantis says PUDDING. DeSantis says MICKEY MOUSE VIOLENT TERRORIST.

Darryl Boogernut says try “small town values” in a small town!

Asa Hutchinson will confiscate all the “fentanol.”

Asa Hutchinson is actually lightly criticizing Donald Trump for being super fucking indicted, gets hardly any claps.

But after the commercial we will talk about the criminal indictments of the by-far winner of this debate, who is currently playing “Never Have I Ever” with Tucker Carlson in Melania’s she-shed.

9:57: Now we are back, Bret Baier called Donald Trump an elephant who isn’t in the room and people booed Bret, because he called their god a heffalump.

Will all these trashass garbage people still support Trump if he is convicted of things? Yes, probably. But Chris Christie needs to talk about why Trump’s behavior is beneath the presidency, blah blah blah.

Ramaswamy says Trump was best president of the 21st century, because he doesn’t want a racist nickname we guess.

The anchors have lost complete control of the disease-infested cows in the audience, who need to boo Chris Christie more.

10:01: Christie says “Constitution.”

Now we move on to new question, did Mike Pence do good things on January 6, or should we hang Mike Pence?

SCOTT: Mike Pence did right thing on January 6. Fire Merrick Garland! Fire Chris Wray! Put a blindfold on this one lady named “Justice!” Parents who go to school board meetings aren’t terrorists! Anti-abortion fascists should be allowed to commit crime!

LMAO.

10:05: DESANTIS: Will not answer whether Mike Pence is good or hang Mike Pence.

Wussy ass priss.

10:06: Mike Pence says he deserves to know if anybody up there would hang Mike Pence.

“Mike did his duty, I got no beef with him!” Those are words DeSantis lit’rally just said.

Asa Hutchinson did not raise his hand when they asked if he’d support Trump if he’s convicted of all the crimes, BOOOOOO ASA HUTCHINSON, AUDIENCE FULL OF DOMESTIC INSURGENTS MAD BOOOOOOOOOO.

10:07: Chris Christie is firmly on the side of NO hang Mike Pence.

Nikki Haley also is a no on hang Mike Pence. But she trusts America to decide whether Donald Trump the criminal should lead them. “Trump is the most disliked politician in America. We can’t win a general election that way!”

Bill Dougums says he is no on hang Mike Pence.

Oh wow, all these people are gonna lose so hard! None of them are for hang Mike Pence!

10:10: Ramaswamy says also he’s the only one who has the If Mike Pence As The Courage to pardon Trump on DAY ONE! Pence is like PFFFFFFFT who is this little boy.

It’s so funny how Pence always pretends like he’s about to start crying when he talks about God. Fucking crybaby, fuckin’ weenus, fuckin’ loser, if you love Jesus so much why don’t you marry him.

Pence clarifies for some reason that Kamala Harris also will not be able to overturn the election when Republicans “win” in 2024.

10:12: Vivek Ramaswamy will do Putin’s bidding and quit supporting Ukraine, will send the military to our own border instead. Calls Zelenskyy the “pope” of everybody else on stage. DeSantis said some bullshit about it, we missed it.

Christie says Vladimir Putin is a piece of fuck, and to his credit is actually calling Russia out for kidnapping 20,000 Ukrainian children and raping their babies. Says this is the Putin Trump wants to lick on his grundle. The audience doesn’t care, because Republicans are monsters.

Pence also being good about this, says if you don’t defend Ukraine, then before long, Russia will roll into a NATO country and we’ll really have to go there.

Ramaswamy tries to score points because Pence called Putin a “communist.” Pence says fine he’s a dictator. (Ramaswamy forgot Republicans use “communist” as a catchall term like “woke.”)

Sweeeeeeet lord.

And the moderators have lost all control again.

10:18: Nikki Haley, why is Ron DeSantis a piece of shit about this?

Because Americans need to have moral clarity and Ukraine was invaded by a thug, some European countries have given more of their GDP to Ukraine than we have. Also hey, remember how Russia and China are 69-ing all the time? So all y’all shut your holes about GIIIIIINA is the real threat GIIIIIIIIINA.

Actually Nikki Haley just kicked ass, called Vivek a little bitch, and she’s still going.

10:20: Vivek wank wank wank what’s good about Israel is its border wall wank wank wank.

Know what’s hilarious about this debate? How absolutely irrelevant Ron DeSantis has been. Says he will NOT send troops to Ukraine. Mispronounces fentanyl like Asa does.

OK now we talk about China.

Burgerking Douglington says … something, we already forget. Oh, Russia is China’s gas station. Also just said Joe Biden “greenlighted” Putin going into Ukraine.

So it turns out Doug is actually fucking crazy.

10:24: Tim Scott will fix China by firing Joe Biden’s 87,000 IRS agents and hiring some new border agents and LMAO he’s gonna build the wall and also he can’t say “fentanyl.”

POP QUIZ REST OF THEM: Say “fentanyl.” The dipshit who broke his hooves this morning can’t say it either.

Mike Pence babbling, Bret Baier like no I am talking.

BAIER: Are cartels coming across the border an invasion? Asa Hutchinson! Is it your turn? Sure why not!

10:27: Is it time to talk about the child furries pooping in the litterboxes? No, it is time for Ron DeSantis to say he’s going to invade Mexico, as if even Mexico gives a shit when he says something like this.

Ron DeSantis is pretending to have an emotional reaction to a lady in Texas whose son died of “fentanol.” This is silly, Ron DeSantis does not have feelings.

10:29: Mike Pence, people say you did not finish the wall. How is this a lie, even though it isn’t?

Mike Pence built the wall, he and Jesus dressed up like the Village People with their hammers and their big bulges and they hammer hammer hammered the wall, macho macho man, Mike Pence and Jesus are a macho man.

Sorry, we may be hallucinating at this point.

10:31: Chris Christie will fix immigration by blah words, Republican talking points, China is sending the chemicals that make the “fentanol” and OOH, next section is about education, it’s time for DRAG QUEEN LITTERBOX BONER WOKE!

This continues to be a serious debate by candidates from a serious party of real humans.

10:36: American children are dumb. Is this why you want to eliminate the Department of Education, Ron DeSantis?

Yes, this why he doesn’t allow mention of homosexuals in Floridian schools, and why Mickey Mouse is banned from giving critical race theory and top surgery to the Florida schoolchildren.

Vivek Ramaswamy will fix education by eliminating all departments and giving American parents 80 million dollars. And now he’s bitching about “national identity” again. Crowd eating it up like the morons they are.

10:39: Ramaswamy is mad about how the government keeps paying all the ladies money “not to have a man in the house.” So that was a thing.

Now let’s shit on transgender kids!

Bug Durgwood says c’mon, he fucked over trans kids real good in Bismarck, but you can’t just one-size-fits-all this, different places have different problems, also he doesn’t really want to talk about trans kids. But yes he will eliminate the Department of Education, like all the grunting fartsacks on the stage.

Nikki Haley, remember how fucking vile she has been about trans kids? Said teenage girls contemplate suicide because of trans kids in locker rooms. Being a gross shit about it tonight too.

10:43: LIGHTNING ROUND, SHOULD PRESIDENTS HAVE TO PASS MENTAL AND PHYSICAL TESTS FOR OLDS?

Pence says no presidents who are too old, no presidents who are too YOUNGASWAMY, he will shut down department of Ed., says all of DC needs a mental test.

Ramaswamy says no mental tests for olds, but Mike Pence definitely too old.

Moderators lost control again.

Asa Hutchinson has forgotten the question, says he built computer education, China, and also China.

10:46: How will Tim Scott force Americans to accept “Judeo-Christian” as their personal savior? He says “break the backs of teachers’ unions” for some reason.

Would Ron DeSantis support required military service? ONLY FOR MICKEY MOUSE. More words.

Chris Christie, are you a UFO? Are you gay on aliens? Will you tell us Martian secrets? Chris Christie says presidents should tell the truth about stuff, so yeah fuck it, we guess he’s gonna show us all the nakey aliens.

10:51: Wow, Fox News commercials are really geared toward the absolute stupidest and most irrelevant people in American society. We never watch it, we just see Twitter clips. We knew it was shit garbage before they fired Tucker, but even during a supposed “event,” it’s just heeeeeey all you gullible idiots.

10:54: CLOSING STATEMENTS.

DOUGLET BROWNHOLE: I say “Fentanol” and I grew up taking showers at night. When I ride horses it’s like wow, that is a big sky. And that is not the “fentanol” talking!

ASA: Sarah Huckabee Sanders has my old job, can you believe that shiz? No idea what he said, passed out.

TIM SCOTT: I have been present in this debate. My mom fed my family. “If God made you a man, you play sports. Against men!” OK. Hear that, beach volleyball queers?

CHRISTIE: I can beat Democrats, I am just like Ronald Reagan, something something we forget.

NIKKI HALEY: My husband is in the military and he’s on deployment and if he’s doing that, I should be president, IDK, seems like something to do.

PENCE: Mike Pence did not have the courage to overturn the election, but he has the courage to lose to Joe Biden again! He has faith in America! He has faith in JEEEEEEEEEESUS BOO HOO BOO HOOO MIKE PENCE KNOWS JEEEEEESUS.

RAMASWAMY: I was born in 1985 and this is why I am expert on 1776. I hate transgender people and dumbfuck conservative parents should make all the educational decisions for their inbred conservative children. Go my website.

DESANTIS: It is amazing that I get the last word here, I am nothing. I am less than nothing. I smell like stale armpit. I hate myself. You hate me. All the Disney furries could beat me up. I shall now leave for crying time.

And so shall Wonkette.

The winner of this debate was Joe Biden.

TIP YOUR FUCKING BARTENDERS, by which we mean us.

Goodbye.

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Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

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@evanjosephhurst on Threads!

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