Liveblogging Barack Obama Trying To Win Health Care On One Of Those Celebrity Shows Part II

Welcome to the President's big health care speech! Everyone is so excited to write about this, because of all the "health care pun" possibilities. "Remedy" can fix things outside the context of medicine too! Ha ha! Let's begin, now that we have pre-gamed . Please drop your pants and cough twice.

8 PM: Obama is 45 seconds late. Unacceptable.

8: 01 PM: Here is Michelle and her fashion bowtie. Ravishing and sparkly.

8: 02 PM: Camera cuts away from Hillary Clinton. Why? Perhaps she is also wearing a fashion bowtie and this would be an embarrassing faux pas? Not very diplomatic, certainly.

8: 04 PM: ...

8: 05 PM: For people who (in theory) spend a lot of time talking together, there seems to be much hand-shaking.

8: 06 PM: All the red suits in the crowd are like pimples on the face of democracy.

8: 09 PM: The teleprompter looks bored.

8: 11 PM: FINALLY HI, YES. Obama, America's President.

8: 12 PM: Obama has given copies of his birth certificate to Biden and Pelosi. They are in envelopes, for security.

8: 13 PM: Nancy Pelosi gives you: Barry!

8: 14 PM: As you know, our economy was very bad. In fact, you might be especially aware of this because it is still quite bad!

8: 15 PM: Obama has posted your resume to Craigslist.

8: 16 PM: The economy has returned from the Brink, which sounds like somewhere in Afghanistan probably.

8: 17 PM: Obama will not let the Bobby Jindal/Levi Johnston administration fix health care in 2016, because he is getting to it first.

8: 18 PM: TAKE A SHOT. "JOHN DINGLE."

8: 19 PM: Our health care system needs reform, is basically his point with these statistics.

8: 21 PM: Two empty seats in the third row! Who is missing?

8: 22 PM: Commence recapitulations of terrible tragedies. Acne, mastectomy, gallstones. Let's all clap to prevent tragedies!

8: 23 PM: Americans cannot afford to open small businesses because they are all dead.

8: 24 PM: Medicare is also a tragedy! This is a FACT and our seniors must pay the price.

8: 25 PM: Here's a Venn Diagram of What Everyone Believes. It is Marxism vs. letting everyone operate on themselves.

8: 26 PM: Congress has worked very hard on reform while it was not in session.

8: 27 PM: Obama is sort of excited, you can tell!

8: 28 PM: Here is the middle of the Venn Diagram: We all agree that ALL dead Americans should be able to open small businesses.

8: 29 PM: Politicians tend to get hyperbolic to achieve short-term goals. CUT THIS OUT YOU GUYS.

8: 30 PM: The Plan is all about security, providing health care for people who don't have it, and health care will cost less for people who do. See? Problem solved. Everyone turn on Dancing With the Stars.

8: 31 PM: JOHN MCCAIN, smirking like a terrible plague of cancerous acne gallstones.

8: 32 PM: DR. JIM NEWELL WILL SEE YOU NOW . Please begin by describing your complete medical history.