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Liveblogging Barack Obama's Latest Victory Speech
So many victories! So many stalemates! So many crushing losses! It's like a Super Bowl every week, forever, between the same two teams. Barack Obama has some new "Obamentum" tonight, so let's enjoy his latest speech which will either be a pretty impressive piece of political stagecraft or another worn-out Barry on the Stump. Wait, AP just reported Obama has yet another victory tonight -- and it's not even an actual state!
10: 21 PM -- That's right, Barack Obama has won the (U.S.) Virgin Islands. We are going there immediately to cover this event.
10: 22 PM -- When, exactly, is Barry going to talk? Because MSNBC just has Pat Buchanan, and CNN has a commercial for old people's remedies.
10: 23 PM -- OK, so Obama's speaking at a dinner of some kind, the "Jefferson Jackson Dinner." Did you know both Thomas Jefferson and Andrew Jackson owned slaves?
10: 24 PM -- Sorry we missed Hillary's speech. We were making dinner for our kids, who (according to Hillary) are the future -- you know, we're biased.
10: 27 PM -- Here comes Barry, to a U2 song we don't know, that sounds sort of pretty. It's too bad they broke up after Achtung Baby .
10: 29 PM -- John McCain just endorsed Obama! Oh, wait. Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine endorsed Obama.
10: 30 PM -- Hey, Barry's speaking!
10: 30 PM -- He comes out swinging. Must be that inspirational U2 song!
10: 31 PM -- Uh oh, Jim Webb's in the audience. Let's hope everybody -- including freshman senators from Virginia -- had to go through the metal detector.
10: 32 PM -- Obama remembers, a little too late, that he's in a "commonwealth." They cheer anyway.
10: 32 PM -- This is one of his better suits. He should rock the plain-black tailored suit all the time. Helluva lot better than wearing a tropical shirt and a lei.
10: 34 PM -- Now it's the sad part: No medicine, no job, Iraq War so wrong, "and it goes on and and on and on , and we become sinners."
10: 34 PM -- Whoops, he said "cynics," not "sinners."
10: 35 PM -- Turn the page, goddamit, new chapter! (Is that a Bob Seger song?) "From the heart of America."
10: 35 PM -- Louisiana, Nebraska, Washington state .... wait, aren't you going to mention the Virgin Islands?
10: 36 PM -- "The name of my cousin Dick Cheney won't be on the ballot. That was embarrassing, when that news came out. When they do these genealogical surveys, you want to be related to somebody cool."
10: 37 PM -- That was actually kind of funny.
10: 39 PM -- He will still be "friends" with Hillary after this is all over, and she puts him in Gitmo forever.
10: 39 PM -- Time to make fun of Walnuts!
10: 39 PM -- About McCain: "We honor his half-century of service to this great nation." Ha ha, because McCain is so freakin' old.
10: 40 PM -- And here's your preview of Obama v. McCain.
10: 40 PM -- Ha ha, McMaverick may finally get what he deserves for spending three decades on Capitol Hill.
10: 41 PM -- Whoa, so he's going to run a Jim Webb-Mark Warner-Jim Kaine sort of campaign? That's not going to please the hippies too much, but there is a sort of "success" history in such campaigns.
10: 44 PM -- RON PAUL GOT 5% in the LOUISIANA GOP PRIMARY!!! GO RON PAUL!!
10: 45 PM -- In five years we'll all have health care, if we live that long.
10: 45 PM -- He's going to bring the Cost of Living down for all of us (who aren't the richest people). He is going to ... we don't know how he's going to do this.
10: 47 PM -- He will do this by ... giving more money to teachers, hooray!
10: 47 PM -- "I want children learning art, and science, and poetry, and music, and all the things that make education worthwhile." So he's killing the stupid, useless, learning-by-rote No Child Left Over There stuff that hasn't done much more than infuriate teachers, bore kids and enrich Neil Bush.
10: 49 PM -- All college kids sent to homeless shelters, huzzah!
10: 50 PM -- He's promising 80% carbon emissions by 2050, which maybe could stop the Earth from melting? Who knows. We are awaiting his Evacuation To Mars Policy.
10: 50 PM -- Biting JFK rhymes.
10: 51 PM -- But he's keeping up the energy tonight, which does not always happen with Barry. (Unless he totally wins the night, which he has done tonight.)
10: 53 PM -- Ha ha, he just mentioned people dismissing him as a "hopemonger." How soon will "HOPEMONGER" show up on Berkeley bumper stickers?
10: 54 PM -- "I was born a poor black child." Oh wait, he actually was ....
10: 57 PM -- Oh man is Obama going to ban Cynicism when he's President of Hope? Are we going to be waterboarded ?
10: 58 PM -- "We will transform this country, we will transform this world!"
10: 59 PM -- So your Wonkette will definitely be waterboarded.
10: 59 PM -- Exit to the usual but still great Stevie Wonder "Signed, Sealed, Delivered."
11: 00 PM -- We'll post the video in a few.
11: 01 PM -- Meanwhile, here's the text of the speech.
11: 45 PM -- Finally, the video of the speech.