Liveblogging Hillary Clinton Schlonging Donald Trump, WITH VOTES! (Hopefully!)

THAT'S RIGHT!

Here we go, ya WANKETTE WANKERS! It's the night we have all been waiting for! The polls are about to start closing and we will find out whether Hillary Clinton has broken the glass ceiling with her vagina, or whether America has decided that our little 240-year experiment as a free country was LOL, and would rather surrender to Mother Russia. Not that the stakes are high or anything!

So here is your livebloogity thing, which will last about an hour, and then you fuckers are on your own. HAHA WE KID, we are going to be on internets with you until shit is over. WE PROMISE. So!

First polls closing, and we have the first call of the night! Donald Trump takes Indiana! That is not a surprise! Second call of the night: Kentucky for Donald Trump!

ALSO TOO! Bernie's Vermont for Hillz!

We can also too report that, via MSNBC, Rand Paul (R) and Pat Leahy (D) are keeping their Senate seats. So ... news!

Oh, and just now according to MSNBC,40 PERCENTof Georgia's voters are nonwhite. Yowza!

7: 15:Wanna read a funny while we wait for #news? Turns out a buncha folks hacked Donald Trump's website today to make it say he's conceding and stuff. READ IT! 

7: 30:Polls just closed in Ohio, North Carolina and West Virginia, and Hillz WINNED THEM ALL! Just fooling, Trump won West Virginia and everything else is too close or too early to call.

7: 32:Oh, and Rob Portman The Republican kept his Senate seat in Ohio.

7: 34:SAD TROMBONE, HILLARY HAS OUTLAWED PRAYER:

7: 42: Ooh, Dave Weigel with some SEXXXY NEWS UPDATES?

7: 48: Hey, you guys, Doktor Zoom has made the wild and crazy prediction that Trump will win his home state of Idaho. #WonketteProjections

7: 55:HOPE HE'S PRACTICING IT!

7: 58:MSNBC has called South Carolina for Trump. Not a big surprise? More polls closing in RIGHT NOW ALSO TOO.

8: 00:Hillz takes Illinois and New Jersey and Massachusetts and Maryland and Connecticut and Rhode Island and Delaware and DC, according to MSNBC!

Tennessee and Alabama and Oklahoma have been called for Jill Stein, HAHAHAHAHAHA WE JOKE YOU! They are Trump states.

None of this is unexpected.

8: 05:TAMMY DUCKWORTH WILL BE A NEW SENATOR FROM ILLINOIS! YAY! WE ARE FOR EXCITED! She is a badass and Mark Kirk effing sucks. 

8: 08:Little Marco Rubio #winned his Senate seat back, but Dems kind of abandoned that Florida race for nobody knows why, so.

8: 15:Bernie Sanders replies to The Onion:  

8: 20:You know who is A Idiot? Donald Trump Junior is A Idiot.

8: 26:Everybody is reporting that lame, fake Democrat Evan Bayh -- who made Obama's life a living hell because the "public option" was "socialist," has officially shit the bed in Indiana, so ... 'k.

8: 31:Arkansas polls have closed, and surprise, they did not vote for that dastardly lady who wouldn't take her husband's last name "Hillary Rodham."

8: 33:MSNBC projecting that GOP holds on to the House, so yayayayayay, Jason Chaffetz gets to keep investigating Email-Ghazi!

Also too, if you are looking at Virginia and getting scared, note that WAY LOTS of Fairfax County is still out.

8: 40:Aw, y'all are freaking out because Virginia and Florida, do not worry! All will be well! Here, have Little Girl Hillary, back in her BUNNY-AVENGIN' days!

Now GO CALL YOUR MAMA, if'n she's still with us. And fuck it, call her "Hillary Clinton Eleanor Roosevelt seance" styley if'n she's not.

8: 45:Florida is handily passing its medical marijuana ballot initiative. That's one way to deal with six more years of Rubio. Plus those bath salts get so spendy!

8: 50:Ooooh, Donald Trump is ahead by six points nationally at the moment, per MSNBC. I bet you like that, you are all such masochists. OH WAAAH THE WORLD IS GOING TO END SPANK ME SPANK ME CRY CRY SNURF.

No. We will not spank you. You don't deserve it, you little worms!

You know what you DO deserve? This mariachi band playing outside Trump Tower!

A mariachi band just started playing outside Trump Tower pic.twitter.com/nEowC9VUdz 

— Adam Gabbatt (@adamgabbatt) November 9, 2016