Liveblogging Obama's $450 Billion 'I'm Sorry About Jobs' Speech

Good evening, filthy jobless trolls. Is everyone ready to listen to President Barack Obama's spin his latest web of futile proposals? We were just going to liveblog the Packers-Saints pre-game for you, because Satan himself on a good day could not force the Republicans to cooperate with Obama long enough to end the jobs Chernobyl, but this is not a sports blog (YET). Here is the link to the live White House feed for you slobs too poor to afford yourself some free C-SPAN. Here we go!

7: 01 - Uh, there are lots of white people shaking hands on the floor of the House. We cannot tell them apart, but we can report that they are old.

7: 06 - Obama walked in with sidekick Eric Cantor in tow (?). Nancy Pelosi is dressed in a lovely devil red. John Boehner puked cotton candy all over his tie before the debate, or speech, or whatever this thing is we are here watching.

7: 09 - Obama is speaking, if only the AUDIO FEED will kick in.

7: 10 - Obama to the media: you all need a life. No one seriously cares about politics in this country anymore. We sort of agree with him.

7: 13 - So basically this speech will be about Obama telling Congress they belong in a home for deranged circus freaks if they cannot agree with his plan.

7: 15 - Your President would like to point out that communist China is making America's aging transportation infrastructure, and capitalism, look foolish.

7: 17 - "You should pass it right away" is the drinking game refrain you are all directed to use from this moment forward.

7: 19 - The pissy old orange cat sitting behind Obama is mysteriously not applauding with much frequency. GITMO HIS ASS.

7: 21 - Barack Obama explains the mechanics of pockets: "This tax cut, instead of going out of your pocket, will go into your pocket." NOW PASS THIS BILL RIGHT AWAY.

7: 24 - Blah blah, Medicare reform, a few more dead olds littering the streets is "a fair sacrifice." Wild applause.

7: 29 - And now we have reached the "America is losing the fight against slow brain death among our workforce" portion of the speech.

7: 32 - Manufacturing jobs, manufacturing jobs, manufacturing jobs. Wal-Mart will be required to stamp "Made in America" on all of its Chinese imports from now on.

7: 36 - Obama: "What would America look like if it had never invested in highways, infrastructure, community colleges?" Alabama?

7: 39 - The White House estimates that everyone in America will be dead in fourteen months. We honestly do not care, as long as we outlive Dick Cheney. That's the only goal we have left, as of right now.

7: 42 - WHAT?? Something about Kennedy, the moon, all the jobs are hiding on the moon and then BAM that was it! EVERYONE TO THE MOON, QUICK. Haha, we have no space shuttles left. Mean!

7: 47 - In sum: China and Abraham Lincoln kidnapped John Kennedy in 1963. Joe Biden is next.

7: 52 - And now it is time to watch Aaron Rodgers do his warm-up stretches. GOOD NIGHT!