Liveblogging Obama's Call For A New, More Gay Economy

Whoa hey Sara has to go, time for a new liveblog! Did you hear the part where Obama promised to drill offshore? Go nuts, baby! Also he wants to double exports. This only seems plausible if we can export unemployment. Can we exportunemployment?

9: 41 -- "A high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job." What about those of us with a middle school diploma? Jobbs?

9: 42 -- Proposes eliminating college debt after 10 years if graduates consider going into public service, and urges colleges to cut their own tuition. We CANNOT support this stuff strongly enough. Glad to hear it.

9: 43 -- Also, he will save your homes! GO ON?

9: 44 -- Says we need some deal called "health insurance reform"... never heard of it. (BTW -- even if it's less accurate, "health care reform" sounds better.)

9: 45 -- Oh, it's joke hour! "Now. I didn't take on health care because of the politics." Everyone laughs! BECAUSE THE POLITICS ARE SO BAD!

9: 46 -- There's way too much dramatic irony in this health care segment. What if a retarded person were to tune in and wonder, "Oh? Has health care been an issue in the popular news recently?" That retarded person would be in trouble!

9: 47 -- "By the time I'm finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their coverage." Hooray!

9: 48 -- He remains committed to these fucking losers who can't ever afford... they can't even... they can't even afford HEALTH INSURANCE!

9: 49 -- He will not LET Congress walk away from this reform. Uh, they're the ones who are trying, pal.

9: 50 -- Nancy Pelosi is smiling so much! The communism pleases her! SHE COULD NOT BE HAPPIER!

9: 51 -- Whoa whoa whoa, is he complaining about how George W. Bush blew through the surpluses last decade? Rude. RUDE. Don't mention facts about the presidency of George Bush Junior. STOP CALLING THEM FACTS, TOO.

9: 52 -- Why does John McCain have Lindsey Graham's cock lodged deep in his throat? Oh right, it's Wednesday.

9: 53 -- Meh, non-important spending freeze political ploy babble. This was our designated Ignore Time. Otherwise, this is a pretty great speech. Let's hope it helps... America... and shit.

9: 54 -- "This won't take effect until next year. That's how budgeting works." For some reason this was the most comical thing he could have said to members of Congress. "Hey guys: FY 2011! HEY-O!" "HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!"

9: 55 -- "It's time to try something new: let's invest in our people without leaving them mountains of debt." Sounds like the part where he takes the guns away.

9: 56 -- Why are these fucking shits laughing when he says these basic lines? They must have gotten to the dealer before we could...

9: 58 -- AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA, best part of the night: Obama calls out the FRONT-ROW-SITTING Supreme Court Justices and how much donkey poop they eat hourly, because of theCitizens Uniteddecision. Look at them trying to not make a gesture! (Oops, Alito: shaking your head is the opposite of "not making a gesture.")

10: 00 -- Larry Summers is tryingreally, really hardnot to fall asleep.

10: 01 -- Now to my main part of the speech: Why are you people so mean to each other? C'mon. Who behaves like this? Who does this?

10: 02 -- I was elected to make everyone like each other! DEMOCRATS: solve problems. REPUBLICANS: die. Problems solved!

10: 03 -- It's really great to hear him speaking so directly to both parties like this. It won't mean jackshit by tomorrow, but it's great.

10: 04 -- Security part. This is the only part rich people care about, because we'd all get nuked by the same bomb, right?

10: 05 -- Al Qaeda 2011 war ending fake maybe who knows war death bombs whatever death death death. Did you all see the iPad?

10: 06 -- Which war did he say was ending? Well, we know it's not Korea.

10: 07 -- We have a responsibility to help veterans when they come home. "That's why we're building a 21st century VA." Amen. Apparently Joe Biden and Michelle Obama are in charge of this. He's the vice president, and she's married to his boss! They will Save All Veterans, with a magical affair.

10: 08 -- "...That's why we pay attention to nuclear weapons." Bathroom break!

10: 10 -- He's working with muslin nations to help Haiti. Wow. When do we get our $10 text message donations back?

10: 11 -- EARLY ANALYSIS: (a) It is a Strong Speech (b) SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

10: 12 -- Love how CNN zooms in on the joint chiefs whenever he mentions something about the military, like Let Gay People Fight (DADT). DO THEY EXPRESS CONSTERNATION?

10: 13 -- "Too many Americans have lost faith in our biggest institutions: our corporations, our media, and yes, our government." Well, that's 100% accurate, so... uh... "Penis."

10: 14 -- "My campaign promised change." Republican senators look furious.

10: 15 -- Does every old man in this chamber have Tourette's? Yes, yes they can.

10: 16 -- "We can do everything we can to keep our poll numbers high..." Mmm, sounds good, we'll have that!

10: 17 -- "Despite all these setbacks, that spirit of determination and optimism, that fundamental decency that has always been at the core of the American people: that lives on." Do you feel employed yet? CAN YOU FEEL THAT EMPLOYMENT?

10: 18 -- Some eight-year-old boy from Louisiana sent Obama his allowance. He demands Obama not seek to increase transparency on credit-default swap trades.

10: 20 -- SPEECH OVER, FINALLY. Great speech, Barry, truly. Bless you. Make it all happen.

10: 21 -- SARA K. "BABY" SMITH will be liveblogging Bob McDonnell's response etc. Keep on the watch for a new liveblog. And thank you for clicking all night. We truly love and appreciate all of you. We mean that.

(10: 25 -- Fuckers.)