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Liveblogging Obama's First Press Conference Since the Last One
Inmere moments, the hated failure known as Barack Obama will limp out to his lectern and face a hungry, brain-dead press corps(e). How will heprovehe loves 9/11 enough to fix the economy when he's still, quite obviously, a brown person -- especially when angry white unemployed underwater midterm voters know in their hearts that Brown People are not even Human?! Let's gather around the cold glow of the flatscreen and watch former Mister Slick Speaking Guy be ripped limb from limb (if his limbs are connected to each other, instead of to his torso, we guess?).
10: 50 AM -- Whoa did Donna Brazile's hair just go completely white? (In the six months or so since we last had to liveblog something while she jabbered on CNN?)
10: 54 AM -- And, let's just go to the San Francisco Suburban House Fire story, because why not?
10: 55 AM -- MSNBC is doing a split-screen, CNN's just fire-local-teevee, Bloomberg has ... a feature about how Obama and Reagan are at the SAME PLACE, right now, but actually what they mean is that Obama is pretty much where Reagan was in 1982, except Reagan was much less popular, and this Recession is much worse.
10: 56 AM -- Let's cook up an Autumn Blingee real quick-like.
11: 03 AM -- He sounds/looks better than during that awful "uhh Iraq is sorta done" Oval Office speech. Just the sound of camera shutters and the wind whipping through the ear-holes of the press corps sort of livens it up, right?
11: 04 AM -- Small business! Middle class!
11: 05 AM -- Republicans blocking shit in Congress, just like they do!
11: 07 AM -- Romer went back to Berkeley, as we know, after that spooky good-bye lunch. And today Obamar announces Austin Powers as her replacement.
11: 08 AM -- Sorry,Austan Goolsbee.
11: 08 AM -- Tomorrow is a national day of WHAT? "Service"? NO SORRY NOBAMA it is a day of FEAR.
11: 09 AM -- And with his piss still steaming off the warm grave of 9/11, he takes questions.
11: 09 AM -- First question from ... a black lady. TYPICAL.
11: 10 AM -- Why should people vote for Nobama when he destroyed the Economy "before he came into office," that is the Main Question.
11: 10 AM -- "Not my fault," says Obama. "College."
11: 12 AM -- "Worryin' 'bout losin' homes ...." That's an unconvincing attempt at American Idjit-talk, Barry!
11: 12 AM -- What are they saying in the Wonkette Newsroom Chat-boutique?
Jack Daniels nipping at your neurons,
Muslins on a pyre with their beards all ablaze,
and folks dressed up like KKK morans ... "
damn i must compose a piano score for this
and then perform it, nekkid and drunk
11: 14 AM -- And now Barack Obama is flying four planes directly into the 3% of Americans who make more than a quarter-million a year.
11: 15 AM -- We distinctly heard a fart right before the first question. Was it "Karen"?
11: 16 AM -- Meanwhile, Ed Henry is just cold sitting in his front-row chair, twittering.
11: 19 AM -- Why did you, Mr. Obama, wait so long to do this business thing when you don't even care? Also why is stimulus so unpopular when people love to be stimulated, with salt-fat flavor?
11: 20 AM -- Speaking of, did you know Americans now eat LESS fruits and vegetables than they did 10 years ago, which was about the time the government and health-care providers began "sounding the alarm" about obesity? It is true.
11: 21 AM -- But congratulations to Yuppie DC with its fancy stores and plentiful Farmers Markets, because people in Washington eat the highest percentage of fruits 'n vegetables in the Nation!
11: 22 AM -- (Having jobs might contribute to having the money to buy all this nice food.)
11: 23 AM -- Reporter, after long-winded Obama non-answer: "So this is a second stimulus?"
11: 23 AM -- And that's a LAUGH LINE AHAHAHAHAHAH. Now Obama says "Oh well hell yeah that is what I mean! Stimulation sweeping the Nation."
11: 24 AM -- Now the Bloomberg White House guy. We like him, as he doesn't seem like quite as big an idiot as the rest of 'em. He came back to work with some sketchy baby-fuzz beard a few weeks ago, and got schooled for it.
11: 24 AM -- "Jack up your rates." Why, Mr. President, is that another stimulus proposition?
11: 25 AM -- Gah, boring already. Going to refill the coffee.
11: 30 AM -- "Are there things I would've done differently, if I'd known what dicks the Republicans were gonna be about everything? Probably."
11: 32 AM -- Anne says, "Nine years after 9/11, why are people going all racist-Nazi-nutzonow?"
11: 33 AM -- Obama says it's because people are all freaked out and poor and plus this is a deeply stupid, racist nation -- at least the part of the nation still "dominated" by a shrinking majority of dumb white poor fat slobs, anyway.
11: 34 AM -- Obama, quoting Marty Peretz, says the anger-Muslims in Mumblelumbia have killed more Muslims than Americans.
11: 34 AM -- HEY NOBAMA WHAT *DO* YOU CALL YR GOD ANYWAY PROBABLY QUEERAN?
11: 35 AM -- Ha, remember when Obama would actually mention "non-believers," like during his Inauguration? Now he's a-scared to mention us Atheists, the ones with all the money and power.
11: 37 AM -- Speaking of people (Marty Peretz) who wank into a teeny tiny Koran while Palestinians are bombed, Obama says ... eh, something about the "Peace Process."
11: 38 AM -- This is not helping America get more moneys to buy KFC Freedom Bowls, Barack.
11: 40 AM -- C'mon, next subject. Fuck the Middle East.
11: 40 AM -- This is actual American sentiment, plus ours: Fuck the Middle East. Honestly, we are in no shape to be "helping" anybody else with their own fucked up racist countries.
11: 41 AM -- Hey, it's Jake Tapper! Remember to be an asshole, Jake!
11: 41 AM -- Jake doesn't disappoint: "Why did you elevate this fringe nut in Florida by making him famous by having the Defense Secretary call him after we in the media spent a week turning this guy into the biggest mainstream thing ever?"
11: 42 AM -- Also, Tapper's rocking the mid-'80s Tony Blair haircut. Cool Britannia! (Not.)
11: 43 AM -- Obama wants you dumb fucking fame-hungry American idiots to know this is not going to be the way you "get on the teevee," even if it, obviously, works.
11: 44 AM -- "The age of the Internet." That's what this is, apparently. Great.
11: 45 AM -- Health care, blah blah, old news. WHO THE FUCK IS SHAKING THE CAMERA? YOU SLOBS WRASSLIN' OVER A DROPPED CHEEZIT?
11: 46 AM -- Gawd, we're getting seasick watching this. STABILIZE THE CAMERA YOU SLOBTARDS.
11: 46 AM -- Needs more flightsuits and jet fighters.
11: 46 AM -- Har har Obama just called Tapper "Jacob." As in, "Now go to your room, Jacob."
11: 53 AM -- What are they going on about now, education? Education! Same five subjects forever: Economy, Middle East, Middle Class, Education and whatever foreign/domestic threat (Muslims/Mexicans).
11: 54 AM -- Speaking of, we heard a very interesting lecture by David Gergen (we know!) at the Commonwealth Club ... this was on some public radio station while we were driving around stimulating the 'conomy on Labor Day Weekend. He had a very grim prognosis for America: We are dumb and we are doomed, forever.
11: 57 AM -- Wonkette's token libertarian/Bostonian Garrett Quinn writes your editor: "I CAME HOME FROM MY HONEYMOON FOR THIS? THAT GUY IN FLORIDA. WHY DOES ANYONE CARE? SHUT UP OBAMAR! This presser sucks. Wah."
11: 58 AM -- But happy wedding to Young Mister Quinn anyways! And happy 5th wedding anniversary to Josh Fruhlinger! What a happy 9/11 this is turning out to be, for everyone!
11: 59 AM -- Speaking of, we screen-captured a Very Scary 9/11 Thing last night, while doing some work on our WonketteMart wonderful shop of horrors. We will post this, after this press conference.
12: 03 PM -- Big string of "why did you do 9/11" questions from what's her name, Peggy Noonan Jr.
12: 04 PM -- Well, the Democrats will definitely win the 2010 midtermsnow.
12: 08 PM -- Ed Henry: "Why have you let Obama bin Laden escape for nine years, because of your failure?"
12: 09 PM -- Obama: "I would totally love to kill these people. This proves I am American, for realz. Kill kill kill somebody, if we could find them."
12: 10 AM -- Ed Henry: "So you think we could face another NINE YEARS (a generation) of this TERROR," which means, of nothing really happening for a decade but constant chooching over 9/11/2001?
12: 13 PM -- YAH FUCK YAH A MOSQUE ON 9/11WHAT DOES IT MEANYAH AND THAT FROWNSTACHE HILLBILLY IN FLA. YAH WHAT EVEN?
12: 13 PM -- Who is the fucktard who just asked this? World Net Daily?
12: 14 PM -- And the camera keeps shakin' ... because there's so much chooching going on, for 9/11.
12: 18 PM -- Whoa and suddenly Obama getspissed, about Muslims! Not about how they Exist and Should Be Destroyed, but how they are (in America) often Americans, and they are in the U.S. Military fighting for America, and etc., and look at that a little bit of goddamnedpassionfrom Mister Cool.
12: 19 PM -- And, the response of the commentators on MSNBC and CNN? "It was an hour and 18 minutes ...." "This press conference was an hour and 18 minutes long ...." Hey that is great how you idiots can keep track of time!
12: 20 PM -- Now, it will get incredibly dumb, because these cable-news people must talk about it.
12: 21 PM -- Thanks for reading and commenting upon our Liveblogging Liveblog, everybody! We are done. Nevah Forget.