Liveblogging President Biden's First News Conference FINALLY JESUS GAAAAAAAH

Malarkey malarkey malarkey malarkey malarkey.

We didn't care when Joe Biden was going to do his first news conference, but oh boy, some people did! And now he is!

Is he gonna do the cancel culture to a buncha children's toys right there on live TV? Hopefully.

Is he gonna have a plan for tying his Trans Am to the front of that boat in the Suez Canal and moving it out of the way? If he's the real president, he will.

Is he gonna yell at reporters and call them a bunch of malarkey? Hope so!

Is he gonna turn on the GAFFE MACHINE? Dumb reporters sure seem worried/hopeful about that!

Oh yeah, he's probably going to say something about how he blew so hard past his first COVID vaccine goal that now his new goal is 200 MILLION doses in his first 100 days.

Let us watch together, with fellowship in our hearts. And if "news conference" makes you really crave a bunch of Joe Biden merchandise, buy some from Wonkette. 

1: 17:OH NO, WHAT A BIG GAFFE. WHAT A VERY BIG GAFFE!

Just kidding, he hasn't started yet, he's late like a common Barack Obama.

1: 27:Oh here comes Lateness Jones.

Says his new goal is indeed 200 million vax shots in 100 days, which is bigger and better than anybody every has done in any country anywhere.

Says his goal was to get majority of K-8 schools open in first 100 days. Half of them are there so far. Can do it in the next 35 days!

Says 100 million payments of $1,400 have already gone out. And more of those are coming!

Oh, and the economy is gettin' good again.

What a very big failure, we should talk about Hunter Biden's dumpster gun some more, bet that's what Politico wants to talk about.

Questions!

1: 31:First question is from "Zeke" from "Associated Press." Wants to know how Biden's going to do other shit with Republicans being such cockwaffles. (Not his exact wording, his wording wasn't as good.)

1: 32:Biden says we have to do all these other problems ONE AT A TIME, ZEKE, ONE AT A TIME. First he had to do COVID stuff, and other related stuff.

Says GOP assholes are going to have to decide whether they want to work together or continue to be shits. (They have already decided.)

Listening close for a big gaffe, but there hasn't been one yet.

Zeke would like to know if Biden's presidency will be a success if he does NOTHING on climate change or voting rights or immigration. Biden says he's going to do things about all those so shut up.

1: 34:Yamiche Alcindor has a question about immigration. Joe Biden says he guesses he should feel flattered that people think ALL THESE PEOPLE are coming to the border because they think he's great. Of course, he notes that there really aren't many more people coming than usual. Says it always happens this time of year.

Also wonders aloud if when shitloads of people were crossing the border when Trump was president, if anybody thought they were doing that because they just thought Donald Trump was such a swell guy. Then starts listing all the ways Trump created the problems we have today.

1: 39:Biden makes sure America knows we are turning away TONS of people at the border. Also we're not ripping babies out of their mothers' arms, that's not a thing we do anymore.

1: 41:Biden literally just cut himself off, like "Am I giving you too many answers? Are these too many details? Are you mad I didn't do a gaffe?"

Alcindor had a followup on filibuster stuff, and also why are certain families not getting turned away at the border (it was a big followup question).

1: 43:Biden talking about filibuster now. Starts off by talking about how the filibuster didn't use to be this thing that got used and abused every five seconds. Says in the old days, people got "tired of talkin' and tired of collapsin'," trying to keep their talking filibusters go. Biden says go back to talkin' and collapsin'!

Biden says he is practical and wants to get things done, and he will do what he needs to do to get to 50 + 1 votes to get things done. "I have never been particularly poor at calculating how to get things done in the United States Senate," says Biden, bragging on how good he was at senatoring.

And then he just said if we don't get things done his way, then we'll have to "go beyond" what he's talking about.

1: 47:Cecilia Vega asks about a kid she met at the border who literally walked here from Honduras. The mother said she sent her child here now because Joe Biden is not a sadistic shithole like Donald Trump who does terrible things to children at the border. Says he's never going to be that awful person, because no previous administration ever did that, besides Trump.

Says we really need to double down on the actual reasons mothers send their children to walk from Honduras to America, what's happening in Honduras that's making people make those decisions. Giving real life examples of ways he's been involved in addressing those problems in his past jobs.

1: 50:This is weird, he hasn't done gaffes, he's giving real and thoughtful and nuanced answers, it's almost like we have a president or something.

1: 52:Haha, little bit of a testy moment. Vega asked if it was "acceptable" to him that this one facility in Donna, Texas, is at 1,556 percent capacity, and he was like MALARKEY QUESTION, OF COURSE IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE, COME ON!

Next question was about Afghanistan, we kinda missed it. About deadline for getting troops out of Afghanistan.

1: 55:Biden says he does not see a scenario where we still have troops in Afghanistan in a year.

Kristen Welker wants to know CAN SOME JOURNALISTS GET INTO THESE BORDER FACILITIES? Biden says once his plan gets going, he will do full transparency. Welker is like TRANSPARENCY NOW! Biden says transparency once he can implement his plan. Welker is not pleased with this answer.

Welker wants to know if Biden moved "too quickly" to roll back some of Trump's executive orders on the border, to which Wonkette replies, THE FUCK, Kristen Welker?

Welker also wants to know what Biden's "red line" is on North Korea, and if he's even sent Kim Jong-un any love letters yet like a normal president. (She did not ask that, we are saying a tease.)

Welker tries to ask another followup, and Biden goes "You've only got another hour."

Now it's time for "Nancy" from "CBS" who would like to talk about "voting rights."

1: 59:She wants to know if Biden is just worried that if they don't pass voting rights, the Democrats will just lose a lot. Biden says fuck off, it's "sick" that people want to ban bringing water to people waiting in line to vote and close polls after 5 p.m. and all the other anti-democratic garbage the GOP is doing to keep as many people from voting as possible.

He says "This makes Jim Crow look like Jim EAGLE" and that wasn't a very good line, GAFFE.

Next question: Is Joe Biden going to run for president in 2024? Why, by this time in Trump's presidency, he had already declared his candidacy! Biden says Trump did that because he "needed to." Biden says yeah probably!

"Oh God, I miss him," Joe Biden says, about Donald Trump, laughing.

Now Biden is being playful about what a cumsock Mitch McConnell is.

2: 03:Next question: Obama said at John Lewis's funeral that the filibuster is a "relic of the Jim Crow era." Does Biden agree? He says he does. Then why not just get rid of it? Joe Biden says "more complicated answer than just yes or no," but it's clear he's moving further and further toward that each and every day.

Reporter asks, do you think you'll be running against Donald Trump in 2024? Biden says he has no idea if there'll even be a Republican Party at that point lololol.

2: 10:Bloomberg guy asks Biden about a few issues with China. Biden says each issue Bloomberg guy asked about is interesting, but doesn't really get to our relationship with China. Biden says "allegedly" he's spent more time with President Xi than anybody else. Says he's a really smart guy, but doesn't have a "democratic bone in his body." Says dude is into autocracy, like stinky old Putin.

So that was weird, Biden hasn't even fawned over one crapass world dictator in this news conference!

Something something "own the future" something something, there goes Biden again, doing gaffes by giving long and well thought out answers.

2: 15:Biden says he gets Xi and Xi gets him. Says no American president -- you know, except THAT one -- has ever backed down on calling China out on its human rights abuses, and Xi knows Biden's going to keep getting up in his face about that.

Biden has also been saying things about reestablishing our alliances with the world's democracies, that the democracies have to move together, jeeeeesus this is refreshing.

Now we're mad he waited so long to do a news conference, just kidding, we still don't care. Dude is busy, cleaning up after the literal worst president in American history and the stupidest world leader in world history.

2: 18:What is Biden going to do about gun control? Is he gon' TAKE YER GUNS? Yes. He's going to do all the things he said he's going to do about guns, but "it's all about timing" for success.

2: 24:One more question from Janet from Univision. It's another immigration one, and we just note that Biden appears to have made the decision that fuck that Peter Doocy child from Fox News, he's talking to real reporters for his first real news conference.

2: 26:Univision reporter says all that stuff about addressing the root causes of migration, but that won't change things overnight. Biden agrees and says that high school motivational poster about a journey of a thousand miles starting with a single step. Basically he is concurring with the reporter that it is a many-pronged issue and we have to address all the things.

2: 29:QUESTION: Have you talked to Republicans who might not deal with immigration until he fixes the "crisis" at the border?

ANSWER: Nah, they have to "posture" for a while. I get it. I'll talk to those precious snowflakes when they are ready.

THE END.

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