Liveblogging The Saddest SOTU In The World

God, Keith Olbermann hates the word Zeitgeistso much,and yet he keeps using it because he has to! This is exactly like the president always borrowing the money from the Chinese, to keep Wall Street happy. Let's see what pathetic excuses he has for his terrible failure to solve all the problems in America instantly, or at least in the last 12 months.

9: 12 PM -- Dammit Nancy Pelosi is wearing a completely ordinary lavender suit. No gin shots for you, sorry! 

9: 13 PM -- Cast your mind back to the Past, which was even more awful than the Present, if you can imagine such a thing. Just remember the constant parade of terror and poverty that was American history. Also Bull Run! And the Depression! And children, writing sad letters to the President.

9: 15 PM -- Drink yr Scotch/Budweiser combo, for Wall Street and Main Street have been cited.

9: 17 PM -- "Our union is strong." Jesus, what loser forgot to leavethatchestnut out of the Drinking Game?

9: 18 PM -- Oh right the ECONOMY. Biden is already laughing at Obama's punchline. Everybody hated the bank bailout! Except for uh THE BANKS. Geithner gives his best imitation of a human "smile" expression. Geithner is so fucking rich and terrible, with the banks and all.

9: 20 PM -- Somebody has a terribly racist baby, because he is weeping and wailing at the sight of President Obama. To review: the Obama Administration did lots of nice things, such as extending unemployment insurance and subsidizing Cobra. "Let me repeat: WE CUT TAXES." Whatever dude you are a Demoncrap, you do not cut taxes. Daily Kos told you not to.

9: 21 PM -- John Boehner is not amused by President Obama's tax cuts. Neither are the Tea Baggers, who believe that Obama has plunged them into a maelstrom of socialism with his taxes.

9: 22 PM -- Republicans do not care for the Recovery Act, with its tax cuts and job thingums. Why? Not enough subsidies/tax cuts for gay bathroom sex, of course! Ba da boom! OH PRESIDENT JOHN McCAIN, WHERE ARE YOU NOW.

9: 24 PM -- "Slowly slums are starting to hire again." (?)

9: 26 PM -- Yeah yeah yeah take the money from the big banks and give it to the little banks, which would be nice! "While we're at it, let's all provide tax incentives for blow jobs and ponies."

9: 26 PM -- ENERGY, huzzah! Hey this editor knows a certain person who would like to replace the leaky windows in her leaky old house! We would like a Fancy Window Bailout, please and thank you.

9: 29 PM -- The president wants a jobs bill, without delay. Uh, could he not have wanted this TWELVE MONTHS AGO?

9: 31 PM -- "You may call me too ambitious. You may call me a perfectionist. Yes, in fact, one of my worst qualities is that I am a perfectionist."

9: 31 PM -- China and India are making serious investments in clean energy?

9: 32 PM -- "I'm not interested in punishing banks." Obama is perhaps the only person in America, besides bankers, who is not interested in this thing.

9: 33 PM -- Did Joe and Nancy coordinate with Michelle to make sure they were all sporting similar, but slightly different, shades of purple?

9: 34 PM -- Oh this is the part where he talks about increasing funding for Laser Beam Research and other "let's put a cat on the moon, for kicks" sorts of projects.

9: 37 PM -- Sorry America, somebody's little babby is having a party freakout. Your Jim Newell will be back in 5 minutes to do whatever the fuck.