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Liveblogging the U.S. Economy's Destruction of the Democratic Party
Tonight the future begins: Change is changing back. For too long, this nation has been PLAGUED by people who want to provide them health care and fix the economy. HEY, DEMOCRATS, WE WANT TO DIE OF HEART ATTACKS AND HAVE OUR ADVANCED SYSTEM OF BARTER DEVOLVE BACK INTO HUNTING AND GATHERING, THANK YOU. Democrats didn't get this message, and the Teabaggers emerged from cashing their Social Secuirty checks at The Scooter Store to tell them they don't like government action when it's put in motion by black people. It has been a long two years of Republicans refusing to let government happen and the Democratic Party giving into their fear of voters hating them. And guess what? Voters probably hate them anyway, based on what everyone thinks will happen tonight. So grab a drink and thank democracy as the stubborn American economy removes what filibuster-proof power Democrats did have and leads into a new era of mixed-party deadlock.
7: 00 PM — Polls are closing! Where are our dear Black Panthers scaring the white people? Oh, there, sort of. But not really.
7: 01 PM — Nooooooo! MSNBC is calling South Carolina for DeMint! This country is hopelessly out of step with The Way!
7: 02 PM — GOP's first pick-up: Indiana. That's okay. It was too boring for Evan Bayh. That sort of thing is understandable. And it will be especially understandable if the Republicans get to 51 seats.
7: 05 PM — Like the petal in the calm brook, America will get to its Alvin Greene destiny in due time.
7: 06 PM — Rand Paul is projected to win by MSNBC. Still have yet to hear if that's an official Senate certification or if he will make up his own Senate to certify him the winner.
7: 10 PM — Sounded like Anderson Cooper had to hold back some vomit when he just threw to Erick Erickson.
7: 13 PM — CNN has two tables of pundits next to each other. But which one is the hologram? This technology is improving.
7: 15 PM — OMG, you guys, they gave Chuck Todd an iPad! He is slobbering all over it. This is all politics is for this man, not that whole "law-making" thing, so he is very excited to have a iPad to consult Robert Novak's ghost's election analysis app.
7: 18 PM — Fox has an exit poll. Based on the inflection in this blonde's voice, everybody in America has declared themselves a Teabagger. No.
7: 21 PM — Oh, let's not forget Pat Leahy! He is still the Batman.
7: 22 PM — Boehner is crying and spraying tanning spray and crying and spraying tanning spray. So nervous for pretending he will allow the government to make laws!
7: 24 PM — Every House district a bellwether. No House district is a bellwether.
7: 29 PM — We have yet to see America's Political Analyst Sarah Palin, but apparently she has grown an additional beehive on her head.
7: 30 PM — Rob Portman is your new Republican Ohio senator, from Wolf's beard to babes' ears.
7: 34 PM — David Gergen is absolutely titillated with these early Indiana results.
Roland Martin is sweating heartily, so this team can't be the hologram.
7: 41 PM — Rick Scott and Marco Rubio leading early in Florida. The GZ Mosk will soon be illegal in that state.
7: 45 PM — Woah! Trent Lott on CNBC! "They will have to deal with the spending!" Haha, no, how long have you been out of the federal government, sir?
7: 48 PM — Jim Cramer is on here too. They are worried about the Teabaggers getting powered because they don't understand anything but archaic economic sentiment. Lott and his unrolled shirt sleeves do not seem to fit in here.
7: 52 PM — These CNN panels now have double the papers on their desks that they started with. Kathleen Parker is getting very skittish with this big city and all its exit pollin'.
7: 54 PM — CNBC graphic at top says the House score is "Democrats 1 - Republicans 0." The Democratic Party has won 1 (one) U.S. House of Representatives tonight.
7: 55 PM — House Democratic leadership just spoke over on CNN. We didn't catch what Pelosi said, but there was no Tea Party Express banner behind her yet, so that's good.
7: 59 PM — Jim DeMint was on CNN declaring victory for 5 seconds. He doesn't realize that true victory declares you.
8: 01 PM — Ken has tagged in for Part II. Get over there.