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Everybody Like 'OMG Madison Cawthorn, Stop Talking About The Very Real GOP Sex Orgies We Invite You To!'
True stories. OR NOT?
Yesterday there was news in the world of GOP Rep. Madison Cawthorn, the kind of news that is real and true and probably a good story for a Sunday school lesson about how Madison is a saint on earth who is an expert on turning his devil penis erections upside down.
Cawthorn was telling some wingnut podcast about the temptations young men like him face when they go to the literal Sodom and Gomorrah that is Washington DC. He was talking about all these politicians he's always looked up to, so we guess he means Republicans. And he said, "Then all of the sudden you get invited to, ‘Well hey, we’re going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes, you should come.’”
That's right! They say "well hey," like they were talking about important legislation just before that, and then transitioned into the obvious sex request. "We're going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes." Who among us doesn't remember the first time we were invited to "kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes" by a colleague at work?
And that's when young Madison realized he was getting invited to orgies! Sex orgies! By his new Republican friends in Washington! Also some of them did cocaine right in front of him! At the sex orgies!
Well, wouldn't you know it, but House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is pretty mad about Madison Cawthorn saying this. Yes, this is the thing McCarthy is mad about. He did also say Cawthorn was "wrong" for saying Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a "thug." So those are the two things McCarthy is mad about. Not all the other things.
But see, reporters are bothering other Republican congressmen and saying "hey man you fuck?" and "oh hey lot of boning at your house tonight?" and ugh, goddammit, MADISON.
Rep. Steve Womack (R-Ark.) stood up in a House Republican Conference meeting on Tuesday to address the comment, according to a source in the room. Other members also expressed that they were upset at Cawthorn’s allegations.
They are all so pissed!
Was it because Madison was tattletale-ing about all the very real orgies Republicans are throwing, which Madison doesn't even come to and definitely never contributes a dish for the potluck afterward? Or was it because Madison was clearly trying to look simultaneously like a hot and sexy guy, BUT ALSO like a perpetually pure and virginal Christian, by saying he IS TOTALLY invited to orgies, but DEFINITELY DOES NOT go to them? We have a theory, spoiler it is the second thing.
Apparently some of Cawthorn's GOP colleagues have that same theory:
Some wondered if he made the comments consciously in a bid to portray himself above such acts.
Olivia Beavers from Politico had to report on all this, for her job.
Hear Rep. Steve Womack stood up, said he hardly ever stands to talk, he has to say something about this bc now he is getting Qs about which members partaking in orgies after Cawthorn suggested they are happening in DC along w/ the use of cocaine. Told Cawthorn not there this am.
— Olivia Beavers (@Olivia Beavers) 1648563111
That's right, several of them stood up and said NO ORGY! NO ORGY! WE'VE NEVER BEEN TO ORGY, WE PROMISE!
Politico has more on how upset poor Steve Womack was:
Womack remarked that many lawmakers go to bed at 9 p.m. and still use fax machines and flip phones, stating that it was inappropriate to paint them with a broad brush, as Cawthorn did.
It's a well known fact that no orgies happen before 9 p.m., and the invitations most certainly don't come over fax. "COME TO MY AFTERNOON FUCKFEST" is not a typical Republican fax in DC, you guys. No Republican in DC history has ever uttered the words, "Nice flip phone, buddy! Wanna flip peens later?"
So all of this is just a situation, obviously.
Will Sommer from the Daily Beast notes an interesting aspect of all of this:
Cawthorn talking about congressional orgies is a massive signal, deliberately or not, to QAnon believers and their ilk. Imagine being one of the GOP congressmen whose constituents now think that their worst ideas about you have been confirmed.
— Will Sommer (@Will Sommer) 1648569542
This has been a story about STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BONEFUCKING REPUBLICAN COKE ORGIES THAT AREN'T EVEN REAL, MADISON, and we don't even know what else to say about it, except that oh hey actually, it's not like Republicans have never had a history of orgies, we refer you to the firm ("firm") of Black, Manafort, Stone and Kelly, just as a f'r instance.
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